June 2023
i somehow knew, but did not expect, that this day would come so soon.
how it struck, how it came, was first a shock and numbness.
the pain, the real aching, came really much later.
in that moment, i came to realize, that nothing was any like how i could have expected.
the truth fell hard, and the reality unwilling to sink in.
i couldn't accept it. i am now broken.
July 2023
sitted at my office desk. workloads from 3 weeks stacked.
my heart is aching, oh so bad,
my soul completely staggered.
i do not know how i could process this.
i have no experience. yet, here i am trying unwillingly, to put into picture.
what could, might have happened.
the day i received the phone call.
it was 6am in the morning. i was awake at 3 in the midnight, walked to KL, as he was already sitting before his computer, studying.
Why are you awake at this hour, he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a hug. I went back to bed and decided to video call my sister via instagram as she was just commenting on my comments. That moment, near or far. We both didn't know, that it was possibly 'the moment' that our mum has left us.
The phone call came only in the morning, KL picked up his phone, thinking that it was mine. It was supposed to be a public holiday in Germany. We were planning to sleep in, My sister called, asking me to sit myself down. Her voice was breaking on the other side of the phone, I panicked but i was lost of words myself. No way, who could it be. Not this moment that i have dread my whole time here abroad, no. Not now, please no. that was my first thought. As she repeatedly asking me to sit down, my thoughts went through a million times, is it my aunt, is it my dad, is it my sister, please don't be the baby. I begged God no. Please no. It wasnt........
Aug 2026
It was however, someone very unexpected. It was mum, the one who walked the fastest, the one who did the most, woke the earliest, slept the latest.
The memory of that phone call, that day, was so vivid yet so vague. Its like i remember every feeling, but not every word. It was not really comprehensible how everything went along, but we survived through it all.
We survived the day, where we bought a flight immediately and packed without allowing ourselves to panic further. Bought a one way flight, yet leaving everything behind.
We survived the what felt like a neverending flight, the amount of times i cried, the stewardess who passed me a bag, a bag that i later found mum also had. We survived the 24 hr journey, arriving at the funeral parlour directly.
We survived, standing before the coffin, seeing her lying there, livelessly. Trying to recall, how did she last look, when i last seen her alive.Wishing still that it was just a dream.
We survived, greeting every family members who looked like they have cried many times, not being able to find the right words to say, comforted through hugs and nods.
We survived standing before everyone as a family, being the first one to give speech to others about what happened. I never knew where came that courage or clarity, or perhaps it was that disbelief, that allow that perception to be deceived.
We survived sharing there another night as siblings, sharing words we had for our mother, things we wished we could have said.
We survived breaking down together, whether it is early in the morning, or late at night. Holding our father, or each other. taking turns, staying strong, holding on, breaking down, suffocates, pulling through, calming down, breaking again. We never knew how we survived those few days, but we did. As we are here now, we can say we did.
We survived greeting and thanking different people. Familiar strangers, her colleagues, our colleagues.
We survived bidding our last farewell. It was hard, yet still we had to return the next morning, and pick up the remains with a pair of chopsticks. The hardest thing i ever had to do in my entire life. I never want to do that again.
We survived packing and unpacking mum´s stuff. Things that no longer has an owner, and after 3 years, still remain in that same space.
What did not survived, was the home that never could be found the same. Though the photos remain, the expired food in the pantry cupboard, the overdue documents of a home office that no longer exist, the bags and bags of clothing and jewelries and shoes that no one could fit like her. Things that once her joy and love, sitting there, collecting dusts, yet no one is willing to remove, even if it is reminding only pain that we can no longer see her enjoying these things. The house that no longer hosts parties, family gatherings, breakfast parties, luncheon or dinner bbq. The TV that no longer surrounded by family members who chat non stop over the voices from the television programme that continue running yet no one was really watching.
what i didn´t know at that time was, what i thought was the worst feeling, had not even begun.
It was the 3 months after that i had to still spent preparing my wedding, trying to find joy in a day that were supposed to be the happiest day of my life, yet at that moment the wound was still so fresh, we all looked at each other knowing, that hole that no one could fill, the puzzle that missing a key piece. The day, i dreamt for years, now seems different. Yet i knew, she was there that day, in our tears, in our joy, in our memory and in our heart. perhaps she was rejoicing with Jesus, and i know she would have cried so much, happy tears, sad tears, overwhelmingly.
I didn`t know many things. I didn´t know that was the beginning of my character that would changed. Completely changed, completely grew, not sure for the better, or for the worst. Yet it was a cliff difference.
I didnt know that the hardest hit was not a hit, it was a process of discovering how many wounds you had from the fall. Things i didn´t know was hurting me, suddenly became undeniable anymore, not allowing me to ignore. because who else is there to care for this daughter, what all these while has been done by her mother, who is no longer there, who can no longer be there.
I didn´t know that realising the wound or even admitting that there´s wound, could be so difficult, in such grey area that never knew could be.
I didn´t know that it could so hard to admit i needed help, i needed time, i needed space.
I didn´t know unattended wound would lead to downward spiral, dominoes tumbling, everything falling, immune system collapsing, red lights blinking.
I didn´t know anger that was hidden deep down inside, on the community that never knew or recognise her love, to the strangers on the street who continue living life with joy, towards the friends or colleagues who never greeted my pain personally, without addressing further.
I didn´t know one could cry so much, spend so much energy doing that one thing. And that was the only one that that i could only do. everything else seems and felt like a struggle.
I didn`t know anger unattended could be towards God, towards everyone who doesn´t cry with, who did nothing, and also did something. it doesn´t matter. it wasn´t about them.
I didn´t know i was broken. I needed help. I needed Jesus.
I didn´t know i haven´t started mourning. I just went through shocked, undenial and anger.
I didn`t know, that time cannot heal. It was just adaptation. evolvement. transition.
