who knew? who could have foreseen? who would have expected, the entire world to be where we are at right now?
some mornings still seem surreal, but it is happening, it is happening right now indeed.
have you ever have thoughts that go through your mind like, how nice if the world can just stop for a second? i did, and it just happened few months ago, when i was attending so many different classes and events daily, getting worn out, and this thought just flew across, if only, if only the world could just stop for a moment. a moment where there are no classes, no events to attend, no socializing, everything could just pause for a second.
and the next thing we know, the world really did stop.
everything stop. classes are cancelled, works are slowed down, even church events are cancelled.
this time, it got me thinking? am i doing what i really want to be doing? or am i doing it just because it is expected of me?
these are the questions to ponder upon....
but through it all, one thing remains. God is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.
He knew. He has foreseen.
Showing posts with label asked... now listen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asked... now listen. Show all posts
Monday, April 27, 2020
Sunday, September 15, 2019
challenges
i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?
and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.
Google answers though,
1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.
hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.
though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?
and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.
Google answers though,
1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.
hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.
though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Be Strong and Courageous
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.
" Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
" Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:5-9
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Sometimes i forget
"i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love."
Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.
and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.
and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.
so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.
and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.
and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.
Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.
and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.
and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.
so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.
and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.
and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Anything
if you can choose to do anything, learn any course, be anyone... put aside reality and practicality, if,
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?
when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.
maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.
if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?
i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.
to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.
or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.
or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.
or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.
or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.
there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,
you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,
i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.
so really,
what am i waiting for?
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?
when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.
maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.
if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?
i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.
to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.
or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.
or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.
or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.
or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.
there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,
you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,
i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.
so really,
what am i waiting for?
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Settled
53 days
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.
That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....
today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.
Settled.
was the only word i can think of.
God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way. Amen.
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.
That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....
today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.
Settled.
was the only word i can think of.
God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way. Amen.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Feelings
Officially 3 days to go.
luggage packing is a mess.
my feeling is in a mess.
thoughts are everywhere,
gifts everywhere...
yet there is one thing for sure.
It is God who made all these possible.
In d midst of all these rushing here and there, sending and receiving farewell gifts, last minute shoppings, last minute meeting up and all... i thought i should stop a moment to absorb all this, and to thank God for a little.
look unto Him despite of all things, all the mess, all the anticipation, all the hopes and dreams.
just stay still for a little to reflect on all things.
He has made this possible, and its finally happening.
Firstly, he sent a senior there before me. before any of these even begin. Just so this day will arrive where i can have some guidance and reliance.
then, he provided a best buddy to pick up the language. He provided the best teacher i could ever find to teach us, to prepare us, so that we did not just learn the language but the culture, and forming such special bonds.
all those, happened, and i was still clueless of what is to become.
and then, he offered a preposition through my boss. The motivation and opportunity that gave courage. and before all that, he gave the word that says : " Opportunity gives courage", the resolution of taking chances that begin in 2017.
It all came inline now. Connecting the dots.
It was my sister who witness me winning the award back in 2012. It is her who's supporting me to achieve my dream now.
He planned the cell group who gave me a prayer support system, the letting go of my heart on my sister's case, the love for my family, to surrender all things to Him, to taking this step, of finally going to achieve my dream.
God had it all planned. The roommate, the placement, the mail courier, the projects, the closed doors to Australia universities, the rejected scholarship, the relationships formed, the kindness of the consultants, the experienced seniors, the kind colleagues. He had it all planned.
Every step of the way, he was there, and he is still here. i can almost feel Him, sitting next to me, encouraging.
Thank you my Father Lord Jesus.
Thank you God for everything that You have given to me.
Despite all the mistakes that i have done, the rebellious heart, the ignorant mind...
Yet You still choose to bless me with my dream.
Your grace, Your love, is so amazingly great.
Greater than all things in the world,
greater than anyone can ever give.
I thank you Lord with all my heart and all my soul.
and I pray oh Lord, that i'll stay close to You throughout this new phase of life,
that i will not forget Your love, and keep close to Your teaching.
Teach me Dear Lord to hold unto You in all things, to consider You in all ways, and to renew my love to You every day just as You renew our strength.
thank you Lord for this day.
for this i give thanks to Your glory, to your grace, to Your name.
In Jesus name i pray,
Amen
luggage packing is a mess.
my feeling is in a mess.
thoughts are everywhere,
gifts everywhere...
yet there is one thing for sure.
It is God who made all these possible.
In d midst of all these rushing here and there, sending and receiving farewell gifts, last minute shoppings, last minute meeting up and all... i thought i should stop a moment to absorb all this, and to thank God for a little.
look unto Him despite of all things, all the mess, all the anticipation, all the hopes and dreams.
just stay still for a little to reflect on all things.
He has made this possible, and its finally happening.
Firstly, he sent a senior there before me. before any of these even begin. Just so this day will arrive where i can have some guidance and reliance.
then, he provided a best buddy to pick up the language. He provided the best teacher i could ever find to teach us, to prepare us, so that we did not just learn the language but the culture, and forming such special bonds.
all those, happened, and i was still clueless of what is to become.
and then, he offered a preposition through my boss. The motivation and opportunity that gave courage. and before all that, he gave the word that says : " Opportunity gives courage", the resolution of taking chances that begin in 2017.
It all came inline now. Connecting the dots.
It was my sister who witness me winning the award back in 2012. It is her who's supporting me to achieve my dream now.
He planned the cell group who gave me a prayer support system, the letting go of my heart on my sister's case, the love for my family, to surrender all things to Him, to taking this step, of finally going to achieve my dream.
God had it all planned. The roommate, the placement, the mail courier, the projects, the closed doors to Australia universities, the rejected scholarship, the relationships formed, the kindness of the consultants, the experienced seniors, the kind colleagues. He had it all planned.
Every step of the way, he was there, and he is still here. i can almost feel Him, sitting next to me, encouraging.
Thank you my Father Lord Jesus.
Thank you God for everything that You have given to me.
Despite all the mistakes that i have done, the rebellious heart, the ignorant mind...
Yet You still choose to bless me with my dream.
Your grace, Your love, is so amazingly great.
Greater than all things in the world,
greater than anyone can ever give.
I thank you Lord with all my heart and all my soul.
and I pray oh Lord, that i'll stay close to You throughout this new phase of life,
that i will not forget Your love, and keep close to Your teaching.
Teach me Dear Lord to hold unto You in all things, to consider You in all ways, and to renew my love to You every day just as You renew our strength.
thank you Lord for this day.
for this i give thanks to Your glory, to your grace, to Your name.
In Jesus name i pray,
Amen
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Lord I Need You
Lord i come, i confess
bowing here i find my rest
without you, i fall apart
you're the one that guides my heart
Lord i need you, oh i need you
every hour i need you
my one defense my righteousness
oh God i need you
Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
where grace is found
is where you are
where you are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my songs to rise to you
when temptation comes my way
when i cannot stand i'll fall on you
Jesus You're hope and stay
bowing here i find my rest
without you, i fall apart
you're the one that guides my heart
Lord i need you, oh i need you
every hour i need you
my one defense my righteousness
oh God i need you
Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
where grace is found
is where you are
where you are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my songs to rise to you
when temptation comes my way
when i cannot stand i'll fall on you
Jesus You're hope and stay
Friday, March 10, 2017
How Good is our Lord?
Again and again,
He never fail to amaze me
How good is our Lord?
Despite all the mistakes,
given and taken away,
yet still He is willing to forgive us.
After all the bad decisions I've made,
and just one silent prayer i whispered,
He immediately made things happen.
you may think He is silent,
you may think He didnt care,
but all He is doing was waiting
waiting for you to see that He's there.
Waiting for you to realize His presence,
waiting for you to give up the wheel,
waiting for you to acknowledge Him
and let Him take control.
How Good is our Lord?
Of the many times i have failed Him,
of the many times i ignore His call,
He was silent in His waiting,
waiting for me to let go of it all.
He knew i will come back to Him,
even before i know i would,
He had faith in me knowing,
even when I lost faith in Him when i shouldnt.
How Good is our Lord?
Of the times when i doubted and complained,
He stood there listen to my whining,
at the times when i cried and in pain,
He helped me whenever i call.
and when I finally did acknowledge His presence,
the moment the heart decides to return,
He immediately answer my prayer,
as much as i didnt deserve.
How Good is our Lord?
for it is not by our will or by our actions,
that we are measured for what we are given,
It is not by our faith or behaviour,
that we are given what we own.
He gives even when we fail Him,
He gives even when we fall,
He is our loving Father in heaven,
on earth and forevermore.
He never fail to amaze me
How good is our Lord?
Despite all the mistakes,
given and taken away,
yet still He is willing to forgive us.
After all the bad decisions I've made,
and just one silent prayer i whispered,
He immediately made things happen.
you may think He is silent,
you may think He didnt care,
but all He is doing was waiting
waiting for you to see that He's there.
Waiting for you to realize His presence,
waiting for you to give up the wheel,
waiting for you to acknowledge Him
and let Him take control.
How Good is our Lord?
Of the many times i have failed Him,
of the many times i ignore His call,
He was silent in His waiting,
waiting for me to let go of it all.
He knew i will come back to Him,
even before i know i would,
He had faith in me knowing,
even when I lost faith in Him when i shouldnt.
How Good is our Lord?
Of the times when i doubted and complained,
He stood there listen to my whining,
at the times when i cried and in pain,
He helped me whenever i call.
and when I finally did acknowledge His presence,
the moment the heart decides to return,
He immediately answer my prayer,
as much as i didnt deserve.
How Good is our Lord?
for it is not by our will or by our actions,
that we are measured for what we are given,
It is not by our faith or behaviour,
that we are given what we own.
He gives even when we fail Him,
He gives even when we fall,
He is our loving Father in heaven,
on earth and forevermore.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
i've always wanted to.....
" i've always wanted to...."
this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.
i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.
i've always wanted to.....
SO MANY THINGS.
and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?
I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....
Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.
i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.
8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.
this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.
this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.
i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.
i've always wanted to.....
SO MANY THINGS.
and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?
I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....
Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.
i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.
8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.
this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.
Monday, January 25, 2016
The story that came with 2015.
The month of January passes so quickly that before i could even embrace the coming of the new year it was already here jumping so quickly to the month of February. only until today that i get to sit down and arrange my thoughts, and this, is going to be a really long one.
Episode one: Being Away.
Choosing to have my practical somewhere far away was one of the best decision i've ever made. The fear of knowing nothing and no one in the beginning was indeed intimidating at first, but the experiences that i have gained were just so amazing . So many great people i've met that made me felt so at home even when home was far away. So much i've learn, so much i got to see. It made me understand the freedom of being out there, the joy to meet new people, to have a space for your own, to own the world with no one to limit you. But at the same time, it also made me realize how helpless one can feel when you're so far away and something bad happened back home. No, that feeling isn't the best feeling in the world, it was horrible, and fearfully intimidating in which at that moment, you wish you could hop onto the next plane home just so you can hug them. your family, your close ones, people that you could always trust and will never leave you. even when you're the one who chose to go away. That is the only thing that made me think twice before making another decision to go another place distant.
Episode two: The Fall.
This was a season of confusing thoughts and emotions all jumbled up. Each day passed by so quickly but slowly at the same time that things got so messed up and you got all messed up. Many wrong decisions were made but there are those right ones that you are more than grateful that those few were the right ones that you made. Its funny how God makes you learn sometime. correction, most of the time. Whether its for the stubborn ones, the weak ones, the tough ones, the caring ones, the kind ones, the adventurous ones, the ambitious ones, anyone... He got his stories to tell. He has His plans all laid out, without you knowing it. And more importantly, there's always something to learn from those mistakes, and given a 2nd chance, certain things you will still choose to go for, and those wrong decisions you made, are possibly the most important mistakes that you're gonna keep in mind, because it has led you to realized, that there are somethings in this world that you will never ever give up or choose to exchange with anything. It is like when you first learn to run.
When you first learn to run, you do not know where your limit is, so you just ran, as fast as you can, enjoying the thrill and breeze while running, until you ran so quickly that you didn't realize you were going downhill, and at that instance where your conscience kick in reminding you to check where you're going, all of the sudden you realized how far ahead the wrong direction you went and you got all panic and that's when you fell. The fight between the inertia that drags you to keep going with the realization that it isn't the destination you would want to arrive to, and then there's also between the temptation to ignore and just enjoy the breeze and also the fear that you'll never find your way home. So in the end, you just lost control and fell down. That is when everything, the view, the scenes, everything that got playing just stop. And you were left seated on that rocky ground, bleeding with your wounds and scratches. In the beginning, the fall was so painful and you were so afraid because you see a big wound on your knees and you think its never going away. And that moment, you realized, how quick you have been running, not knowing that you were losing control of your steering. But after all the crying, you slowly begin to see how far you have detoured from your original route, and that fall had to happen in order to stop you from going further into the wrong direction.
You then begin to be grateful of the fall, that God made you fell, He didn't make you bleed, it came together as a risk when you choose to start running in the first place. and also, He didn't stop me from running in the beginning, because if He did, He wouldn't be God. We would call Him a dictator, a mean ruler, a strict master who never let us try anything, despite how much we wanted to. But no, He was not all that, because He let me went ahead with my adventure, just so i would learn how far I could go, and I would know how fast i could run, just so i would learn how quick i should run. Weeks after the fall, as the wound became a scar, it became the scar to remind you to be extra careful next time. It is important because if it wasn't not there, it will look as if nothing has ever happen, there wasn't any adventure, there wasn't anything. You have not tried and you would not know what could have become and where your limit is. But because that adventure was a necessity, you wasn't left standing there wondering, what if, i had the courage and went for the adventure, would things be different now. But because you did, there were no regrets, it was all a matter of choice. That moment made me realized, every step you take, you were given full right to choose, and no one should be blamed for your decision. Not your parents, not your friends, not even God, but you, yourself have to take full responsibility on it. When you realized this, you know that you have grown, grown to be an adult, even if you're still five feet tall and dress like a kid, there is no way in denying that, your decisions are yours to make. I know it is always the right choice to choose Him, for He is the only one that I can find comfort in. and even God, gave you the free will to choose.
Episode 3: Support.
These few months were all about having a support system, or being part of the support system.
This equation, of having and giving, has to be in equilibrium, and that, is not that easily achieved.
In the beginning, I thought I was being the support system to a close friend who needed me at that time, but at that same time, i needed a friend as much as she needed me. Days living in the hospital opened my eyes to see that those scenes live out from drama series very much came alive in front of me. The struggle between living and dying, the sick and the healthy, the pain of losing a love ones, the fight to stay alive, the strength to support, and the strength of little ones. I made mental notes to write a post about this, but haven't done it till now. You would think that 6 months of doing nothing would be free and easy, but to tell you the truth, that 6 months were the heaviest, toughest 6 months that I have ever been in. It was emotionally, mentally and physically challenging and tiring. It was exhausting, and i never knew one could be so emotionally exhausted. The days living in the hospital were days of revelations. Who knew such great revelations would come with this simple gesture of volunteering company.
There, I met a family of 3 boys. The eldest living in the ICU for almost 8 months, while the younger two came visit every single days as the mother live in the community shelter provided for the family members of the ICU patients. The innocent two, i still remember their smile despite all the hardship, their sincere prayers before every meal, their cheeky actions killing a spider. i remember reading to them, feeding them, chasing them around the park. It is definitely not easy being a parent, moreover having a child that is battling with sickness. I still remember when the mother told me that her son told her the other day, that he did not want to live anymore. That sentence, made me teary, just listening to it, I could not imagine how the mother must have felt. But no she couldn't cry infront of him. She has to be the tough one, comforting and encouraging him that this is not the right way to think. She has to motivate him, to persuade him to fight further, when at the same time, the fight was tougher at her side. Financially, emotionally, her responsibilities for her younger ones, there isn't any left for herself. She didn't have time to think for herself. Then, i also realized how important it is to have an other half who can support all the way through. How strong the love of the two have to be to pull through this together. and how important is it to have God in this equation, because how strong can a human be. Without God, how can one have to strength to deal with all these. Simply being a friend, I had it hard, but as a friend, i can choose to just walk away, but how can a mother walk away from her own flesh. She couldn't.
The second half was about my support system. These few months were my lowest. It was a road to everywhere but also a road to nowhere. It was a blurred path, if a path can even be seen. Everything was possible because nothing was there. There weren't any decisions made, and there weren't any solid options given. It was as if i was doing nothing, but i was doing everything i could. Every free time was passed with guilt because every second was free time. It wasn't free at all, it came with a price. Judgments came, comments were made, words were hurtful and it involves lots of crying. i had my plans, but i didn't know how to make them happen. i tried all ways, to run away from what seem like the worse of my plan, but God knew better. Despite how hard i tried to beat around the bush to avoid it, in the end, God pulled me back to the path that i dread so much to take. But He knew i wouldn't walk onto that path without giving a fight for the things i want, so He didn't stop me. He let me try every way i could find, to jump to dive, to climb to hike. and in His very special way, all circumstances made me willingly choose His path, which happened to be the very path i choose to avoid right from the beginning. The key point was this, everything has to happened, in order for me to WILLINGLY choose that path. And because of all that has happen, i was not complaining when the path came, but happily hopping and skipping into it, right up to now. Can you see how amazing this God is? all the trouble for my free will, all the trouble for my willingness, i was that important to Him. i feel so much love.
Episode 4: Back on track. New track that is.
And finally, the final episode of 2015, obviously needed a happy ending, the finale they called it. After what seemed like a pretty grey year, this was quite unexpected. I found belong in many ways. Career wise, i was given a great boss, understanding one that is willing to teach, caring and kind. He has the right principles but wasn't boastful. He is efficient and quick in many ways even with his steps. and most importantly, he is willing to share. This company is more than everything i was wishing to get. Tasks wise, i got to learn everything i want to learn. Contract, Authority, Design, Site, and construction soon. Community wise, i am happy with all the things i can do during the weekends up north. Who knew a fishing village could give me so much more than just fishes. The wish to have a mentor? i was given more than one. many to be honest, i couldn't be more grateful.
On alternate weeks, I have my happie getaway, where i found my sunrise and sunsets and a good peaceful corner to read. For the bonus, i got involved back in music, and performed in a concert. Finding back that feeling was nostalgic yet joyful. Certain things weren't the same anymore but the connection was there. Everything seems to be going on well.
All these months flashed back like i was reading someone else'. And then i turn to the last page of the 2015 book and these words were printed;
"And she lives happily ever after"
"And she lives happily ever after"
Thursday, November 19, 2015
follow your heart
they like to say,
" Follow your heart"
and it seems like its the right thing to do.
But what if,
it requires you to go against everyone's logical reasoning?
it causes you to break a promise you made earlier?
it leads you onto an endless wait?
it makes you seems irresponsible, impractical, illogical?
do you still follow your heart?
when everyone thinks otherwise, when financial pressure start building up, when people's impression of you changed, when unpleasant words are being said,
do you still follow your heart?
God has a plan for us all, and indeed, His plan is always the best for us.
It is easy to accept if His plan is for us to excel, to achieve success, to gain something. but what if His plan for us is somewhat to fail now for His bigger plan? Do we then can still accept that arrangement with faith?
What if following your heart is what everyone else perceived as something wrong, do you pursue that route?
Having a long history of humankind, this world has form a certain standards they put to measure people, a set of perspective, books of rules to follow. If it requires you to not follow the norm, to set a new perspective, to take the road less taken, brings you on a roller coaster ride and puts you in an uncomfortable situation, do you still follow your heart?
Following your heart then became a really big word, an even bigger challenge, a not so easy phase to go through, but even a bigger reason to hold on to, to follow your heart.
Because, it is only when you allow yourself to try, that it leaves you with no regrets, that in years from now, when you are left with no decisions to make, that you will not wonder, and you wouldn't be left thinking, what if....
what if you just had the courage...
to follow your heart.
" Follow your heart"
and it seems like its the right thing to do.
But what if,
it requires you to go against everyone's logical reasoning?
it causes you to break a promise you made earlier?
it leads you onto an endless wait?
it makes you seems irresponsible, impractical, illogical?
do you still follow your heart?
when everyone thinks otherwise, when financial pressure start building up, when people's impression of you changed, when unpleasant words are being said,
do you still follow your heart?
God has a plan for us all, and indeed, His plan is always the best for us.
It is easy to accept if His plan is for us to excel, to achieve success, to gain something. but what if His plan for us is somewhat to fail now for His bigger plan? Do we then can still accept that arrangement with faith?
What if following your heart is what everyone else perceived as something wrong, do you pursue that route?
Having a long history of humankind, this world has form a certain standards they put to measure people, a set of perspective, books of rules to follow. If it requires you to not follow the norm, to set a new perspective, to take the road less taken, brings you on a roller coaster ride and puts you in an uncomfortable situation, do you still follow your heart?
Following your heart then became a really big word, an even bigger challenge, a not so easy phase to go through, but even a bigger reason to hold on to, to follow your heart.
Because, it is only when you allow yourself to try, that it leaves you with no regrets, that in years from now, when you are left with no decisions to make, that you will not wonder, and you wouldn't be left thinking, what if....
what if you just had the courage...
to follow your heart.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Potter's hand
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted
Into Your perfect plan
You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
You gently call me into Your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know your drawing me to yourself
Thursday, September 3, 2015
never
I never like that word
never
it seems to be so harsh
never
it seems to be so harsh
no word as arrogant as he to be
to be so sure of what to pass
to be so sure of what to pass
I never like using never
but reality cant deny
as much as we reluctant to
we just cant tell the lie
but reality cant deny
as much as we reluctant to
we just cant tell the lie
but having to think of this is it
the very one last night
no longer can I see her smile again
it just doesnt sound right
the very one last night
no longer can I see her smile again
it just doesnt sound right
in christ we believe we can reunite
someday in heaven we'll meet
but that is only if so she did
surrender herself to His feet
someday in heaven we'll meet
but that is only if so she did
surrender herself to His feet
dear Lord what if she didnt
it doesnt seem like she did
I just cant use the word never
not now not her not for this
it doesnt seem like she did
I just cant use the word never
not now not her not for this
dear Lord dear God I hope You'll forgive
and whatever is it, may she rest in peace
Thanks for everything. Rest in peace, dai guma.
and whatever is it, may she rest in peace
Thanks for everything. Rest in peace, dai guma.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
definitely, maybe
today, i watched the movie again when it showed on Diva. its like my 5th time watching it? its still as good as the first. how they depict complicated stuff in a two hours movie in the simplest form, through telling a story to a kid.
how easy would life be, if we were all able to do that, having a narrator telling us what to do with our life? just that in that movie, the narrator was the main actor himself. it always seems much clearly when you tell someone the story of your life, and as you summarize it up into words, things begin to make sense. maybe that's why i'm always telling my friends stories. things just doesn't quite make sense in my brain. if i ever have the chance to step foot into my brain, i would imagine it being a big colourful messy space with things flying around, and dusts on many quotes. hah. that would be a nice picture to doodle about. my brain. (keep that in note)
how nice, if i can just watch my life being played like a movie, clearly narrated, maybe i'll know what to do then. but then again, there would be too many embarrassing moments and scenes that i wouldnt dare watching it again. horrible. possibly rated thriller.
a kid. if all adults can be as genuine as a kid, to think innocently as a kid... if i can be a kid again, wouldnt life be more colourful then?
definitely, maybe.
how easy would life be, if we were all able to do that, having a narrator telling us what to do with our life? just that in that movie, the narrator was the main actor himself. it always seems much clearly when you tell someone the story of your life, and as you summarize it up into words, things begin to make sense. maybe that's why i'm always telling my friends stories. things just doesn't quite make sense in my brain. if i ever have the chance to step foot into my brain, i would imagine it being a big colourful messy space with things flying around, and dusts on many quotes. hah. that would be a nice picture to doodle about. my brain. (keep that in note)
how nice, if i can just watch my life being played like a movie, clearly narrated, maybe i'll know what to do then. but then again, there would be too many embarrassing moments and scenes that i wouldnt dare watching it again. horrible. possibly rated thriller.
a kid. if all adults can be as genuine as a kid, to think innocently as a kid... if i can be a kid again, wouldnt life be more colourful then?
definitely, maybe.
Friday, October 24, 2014
a step i'm willing to take
8 years ago, it was much easier. we were much kinder to another.
since don't know when, every answer, there's a hint of anger, making kindness, a little bit harder.
i no longer have any idea, on how to ignore your harsh replies.
i answer with a smile doesn't mean i enjoy your raised voices.
i try to start a new question doesn't mean i'm okay with your previous harsh answers.
i can only pray that God can help you seek, the solution for your true complication within.
to find the patience and kindness you used to have, the gentleness i know that's still somewhere inside.
if you came here to read this, you probably still care.
tho this is nothing like, the forty days dare.
dear God grant wisdom, patience and kindness,
i apologize if its the things i did, or the things i did not.
but i'll never know, unless you let it out.
since don't know when, every answer, there's a hint of anger, making kindness, a little bit harder.
i no longer have any idea, on how to ignore your harsh replies.
i answer with a smile doesn't mean i enjoy your raised voices.
i try to start a new question doesn't mean i'm okay with your previous harsh answers.
i can only pray that God can help you seek, the solution for your true complication within.
to find the patience and kindness you used to have, the gentleness i know that's still somewhere inside.
if you came here to read this, you probably still care.
tho this is nothing like, the forty days dare.
dear God grant wisdom, patience and kindness,
i apologize if its the things i did, or the things i did not.
but i'll never know, unless you let it out.
Juruselamatku
Walau kuharus berjalan
Dalam lembah kekelaman
Perlindungan-Mu Oh Tuhan
Nyatalah bagi hidupku
Tiada pernah sedetik pun
Tiada pernah Kau tinggalkan
Sungguh mulia dan sempurna
Hanya Kau layak disembah
Yesus Engkau Juru s’lamatku
Dalam janji-Mu kemenanganku
Selamanya ‘kan kunyatakan
Besar setia-Mu Tuhan
Di hidupku
Dalam lembah kekelaman
Perlindungan-Mu Oh Tuhan
Nyatalah bagi hidupku
Tiada pernah sedetik pun
Tiada pernah Kau tinggalkan
Sungguh mulia dan sempurna
Hanya Kau layak disembah
Yesus Engkau Juru s’lamatku
Dalam janji-Mu kemenanganku
Selamanya ‘kan kunyatakan
Besar setia-Mu Tuhan
Di hidupku
Saturday, April 12, 2014
loving what you do
its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,
and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them. its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do.
my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles.
i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture.
no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,
i like how architecture influences people.
i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.
Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.
Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye.
i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them.
i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.
i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses,
i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others.
i like how architecture improves life.
i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.
i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.
i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,
i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others.
i like how architecture understands things.
i like how architecture involves many occupations.
i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.
i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,
i like how architecture can make them work happier.
design a postoffice makes me love postmen,
as i need to think and consider for them.
design a community centre makes me understand,
how what and why people behave badly sometimes.
i used to only love the subject on design.
the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.
but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,
to equip me in molding a complete design.
now i finally understand what Herman tells me,
to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why.
i don't love what is architecture,
but i love how architecture, and why architecture.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
helpless
just read another article that made me so mad and angry, leaving me so disappointed and horrified by how cruel and ugly this world has become.
disappointed in the world because God has created everyone so beautifully, imagining an artist, putting in His effort to paint every brush, picking His colour so carefully, applying every stroke with careful yet firm, gentle yet definite moves. He put in so much effort, having so much hope in His work, bt the outcome of a supposedly beautiful and perfect image is now rotting right below His nose. The cruel truth of humanity, the inhumane actions of certain group of people. Imagine the heartache.
Feeling angry. Angry because here I stood, being just another person to read bout it, maybe the one thing I can do is to share bout it, but in truth, doing nothing to change the situation. Overwhelmed by how these horrible things can happen, disgusted by how power and authority can give people the ability to treat others in ways no one should be treated, abusing their given power in the ugliest way one can imagine.
Feeling helpless, because I studied so much but still have no idea how to help the people who are being abused. Horrified by how fast the society of the powerful, selfish, and cruel side is growing, horrified by how innocent and sad are the powerless and weak being abused; horrified by how isolated are the commons living in their own bubble as made-up picture perfect stories are being fed into their eyes and ears. 3 categories of people. and here I am wondering if I should even be glad that im in the 3rd category. I should of course be grateful that Im not in the category that abuse, or the category that being abused, but am I allowed to be happie and celebrate about this fact?
Let's not get started with the ugly sides of politics, even those that are happening right infront of my eyes, even those... I dare not do anything about. I cant even protect a poor and helpless dog who cant speak for himself. sorry Diki :'(.
Human trafficking, child abuse, refugees being ill treated, inhumane living conditions of the foreigners, ill-treated foreign maids, corruptions, slavery, prostitution, the cruel killing of animals and nature and it hurts me to say, the list goes on. all because of the sinful nature of greed, desire and selfishness. to feed one's sinful desire. first hand stories ive heard, but how can I help?
sometimes I wish, someone will have the superpower to stop it all. to change everything. that one day, all these will be gone. because is slavery really gone? no, it just transformed into a different form. if only I can have the superpower to change people's mind.
but I know God is the only one who has the superpower. How I wish to believe that this world will one day be sin free and picture perfect again, just like how He intended it to be in the first place, but whoever knows the bible know that its not going to happen. Not in this world. This world will only turn worse. People will only become uglier at heart and things are only going to get worse. Only those who believe can be saved, those who are willing can leave this world to the sin free place.
But the thought of that amount of people are going to die with this world scares me. The fear of how ugly this world is going to become before its end saddens me, what can I do? dear Lord, what can I do to help?? T-T
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
u're big, and i'm small.
in the midst of ups and downs, rain and shine, dark grey water and pitch black sky, sometimes its difficult to look past all bad things that has happened around us and simply feel good bout being here, being alive, being healthy and being blessed. some days, it becomes so overwhelming and you wondered, why are you lying here on a comfy bed, in a cooling room wrapped in warm blanket and still complains...
though some days you're just contented and grateful, there are always some days where you just take it all for granted.
there are always certain point in life when you ask the questions, what for? what if? what then? what now?
what difference can we really make as a person? how much can we do or even, what can we do?
they say one can make a difference, at least to the other one. just like that starfish story. but when the moon hangs low, and more things become overwhelming, its difficult to constantly stay within that high spirited happie positive mode.
there are days where you just have a heavy heart.
a heavy heart.
it only proves that you're still breathing, and living.
but where to lead ur heavy heart?
sometimes i let that heavy heart linger a little, and let it remind myself how weak, how tiny, how insignificant i am. in hope that this time will be the time where i'll learn to fully leave things to God, and let the heavy heart lead me back to God.
last time, i've tried.
this time, i'll try.
and till that one day when i try, i'll know how to not try.
for a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near.
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