In Loving Memory of Mum on Our Wedding Day

September 16, 2023

today, on this beautiful sunny September day, as we stand at the altar to begin a new chapter in our lives, there is this bittersweet truth, one that cannot be separated from the love nor the joy we feel.

Exactly 100 days ago, on June 8, 2023, our world has changed, as we returned our mother back to God.

Her absence, has since then, an impossible to ignore void in our heart. She was meant to be here, to share our joy, to be the most beautiful mother, offering her warm hospitality to all my close friends, and undoubtedly shedding tears of happiness as we exchanged our vows. But God has his plan of his own, and we find ourselves celebrating amidst the echoes of her memory. 

In the midst of our wedding preparations, her presence was felt in the most unexpected and beautiful ways. In the flowers we chose, in the music that plays, and in the smiles of friends and family who remember her fondly. She is here in the gentle breeze that rustles the leaves, in the sun that bathes us in warmth, and in the love that surrounds us.

Today, we honor her memory not with tears of sorrow but with the joy she would have wanted for us. We remember her for the love she gave us, the wisdom she shared, and the countless sacrifices she made. She was, and always will be, a cherished part of our lives, and though she couldn't be here in person, her spirit is interwoven into the very fabric of this day.

As we exchange our vows and commit to a lifetime of love and partnership, we do so with an understanding that love transcends time and space. Our love is a tribute to the love that she gave us, a love that will endure long after this day has passed.

Today, on September 16, 2023, our wedding day, we celebrate love in all its complexity. We celebrate not just the love between us but the love that we carry in our hearts, passed down through generations. We carry her love, her legacy, and her memory with us as we take this monumental step together.

In loving memory of my dear mother, she is here with us in spirit, watching over us, blessing us, and forever a part of our love story.

Though she couldn't be here to witness this day, her love continues to guide us, and her memory lives on in the love that we share.

With love, on our wedding day, Melissa

Health system in Germany

just turned 33 yesterday, and was trying to reflect if being 33 now is what i expect to be many years ago? 

It is currently my 6th year in Germany, and one thing I have really learned here, which I find it to be really good, is the health awareness. The goverment here has made health insurance a mandatory to every residents of Germany, regardless if you are a student just here for a year or two or a permanent resident. Everyone who is living in Germany is required to pay for health insurance monthly. You are free to choose your own insurance provider, but each will then be given a medical card which allows you meet the doctor. 

The health system is so that, every resident should have a Hausarzt (Family doctor) and a Haus Zahnartz, who are usually be the first ones you go to in case of any discomfort. In the case of further investigation required, the Hausarzt will then transfer you with a Überweisungschein (Transfer certificate) to different specialist. 

Within this two years, I have met with the following doctors/specialist: 

1. Hausarzt = Family Doctor

2. Frauenarzt = Gynaecologist

3. Radiologie =  CT scan Specialist

4. Endokrinologie = Hormon Specialist

5. Schildrüsenarzt = Thyroid Specialist

6. Notfall Arzt (in the case of Ambulance emergency)

7. Neurologie = Neurologist

6. Durchgang Arzt ( in the case of accidents that occur during the journey to and from workplace) 

7. HNO Arzt = Ear Nose Throat Specialist

8. HNO- und Kopf-Hals-Chirurgische Klinik ( Ear Nose Throat Surgeon) 

9. Physiotherapeut  /Krankengymnastik = Physiotherapist  

and just Dentists alone, i have met different ones too

1. normale Zahnarzt = general dentist ( i went for at least 5 different ones before I found this one)

2. Zahnreiniger ( just for professional teeth cleaning)

3. Oralchirurgie = Oral surgeon

4. Mund, Kiefer, Gesichtschirurgie = Oral and maxillofacioal Surgeon ( for removal of wisdom tooth)

There are so many different kinds of doctors that specialises in different areas. 

I am still amazed at how many doctor appointments I have had these two years. X-rays and CT scans. 3D Scans. Its crazy. 

All of them are covered by the health insurance, except for the 3D scan that I had to dug out money to pay for it. 

Well, they say 27 is your peak and after that everything starts to deteoriate. I finally understand the saying. 

 

challenges

i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?

 and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.

 Google answers though,
 1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
 2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
 3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.

hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.

though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?

Be Strong and Courageous

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

" Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:5-9

My Lighthouse

you said,
You're my lighthouse, and you will bring me safe to shore. I will trust in You, even when the oceans roar.

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness. I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

The Future 2.0

So, the eyes blinked and more than 10 years have passed since The Future 1.0 post was written, which is the very first post i wrote in this blog.

I am not a doctor, not a captain, and definitely not a president of a country. but with the grace of God, i am a Master of Arts in architecture graduate who graduated in the world famous Bauhaus building itself. That's something definitely out of expectation. Really, who knew i will have a chance to even come to Germany, to this little village gem, that so few have heard of, but holds the Bauhaus school back in 1920s, being the icon of Modernity, where so many well known designers. artist, and architects came from. I still remember the first semester of architecture 10 years ago, the very first thing that we heard of is about Bauhaus and its movement. Walter Gropius, Mies Van de Rohe, these names were all so unfamiliar back then, but today, on this very same land, this very same building, this 100th year celebration, i've graduated from my 10th years of architecture studies.

Bauhaus 1931 vs Bauhaus 2019

God is so good to me.
i remember the week when i was about to fly,
my flight was cancelled a few days before. I got so worried and had to search for a flight last minute. but God has other plans in mind. He knew i was afraid to fly alone, so He cancelled my flight so that i could join the other new friends in flying and stepping foot together onto this foreign land. and now, we have all made it together. We survived two years and is about to step foot into a much wider and even more foreign world of the architecture industry in Germany.

First arrival 2017 vs Graduation 2019

Throughout these two years, God is really so close to me. He taught me so many things, led me to so many precious experience, and placed so many beautiful angels around me. 

two years of adventures and God's grace

He gave me a German family, amazingly supportive sisters and brothers in Christ, an international world of studiomates and friends, moments of peace and joy under trees, by still waters, endless great moments, wonderful travels of explorations, overwhelmingly touching experiences of His miracle, and most importantly, He gave me a chance to get to know Him personally. 

It was really an amazing 2 years, and though i have no idea what the future holds, these 10 years were definitely an amazing growth.  and though I can't imagine what the next 10 years will be like, one thing i am certain, that God will be in the picture, and i want to stay close to Him, forever and ever. 

Sometimes i forget

"i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love."

Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.

and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.

and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.


so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.

and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.

and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.

都不对了

有些日子， 已不是刻意或不小心的记得，而是，因为多年的累积而演变成习惯。
但此时此刻，一切都不对了
时间不对，
地点不对，
感觉不对，
身份更加不对。。

可是，没有后悔什么，也不是想抱怨什么，
人生嘛，总会有一些遗憾的，
不是遗憾得不到，而是遗憾这辈子都不会知道。
若时间倒流，可能一切也还是会一样。

因为，我们都是一样的我们，周边的事也是一样

但有时候，还是会忍不住想想，是哪里的点，碰不着， 哪一条线，接不上，明明我们就那么的努力尝试，那么的努力配合。 可能，暗地里所做的还真的不如明显的表现。真的是被我们的那一点高傲的自尊心给毁了。
曾经的确认与相信，却给任性与犹豫冲淡了，消失得无影无终，所剩下的，
就只有这一些，我记你不记的日子。

人啊，真是个愚蠢的动物

所能做能也就在九千厘之外，送上安静的祷告，以感谢，所知或不知，暗地或明显，曾努力或不曾努力中，所做的一切。。。

可能，或许，有一天，在另一个世界里，我们会知道一个答案， 也或许，当这一天来临时，那答案一不关紧要了

a mess

aiyai yai yai yai

it is so obvious.

this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.

My Life is in a mess.

not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.


the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.

arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.

maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....

maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!

why does this blog still exist?

randomly, today, i went on clicking on all the links of bloggers i used to follow, of which i think inspires, and sadly, many of them has moved on. hopefully, just moved on from blogging, and not from what they are doing with their blogging. bakers hopefully still bake, writers still write, and painter still paint.

but why is mine still existing?

firstly, i think blogging has been more of a inspiration to me more than anyone else. I myself benefit the most from my thoughts. many words or reflections, some i never knew i could write, thoughts i forgotten i had, and passion that i forgotten i believe in.

writing, has always been both an output and input for me. an expression of my feelings, a gain to my beliefs. and today, i realised, no matter whether you're 10, 20 or 50 years old. everyone has their thoughts. and you might not know it, your thought may coincide with those even of the 50s.

I always thought wisdom grows along with age, but the older i get, the more i begin to feel that it doesn't work that ways.

i used to think that adults know better, but now i really beginning to doubt that. the more things we know, the more choices and freedom we have, the more difficult it is to keep hold to one simple principle. and maybe, that made things easier for the kids. There were not given much choices, and they did not know much, they did not need to consider much hence they did so much more, achieving so much more, and daring to be so much more.

so, i've decided. Adulting is no fun. yes, i'm forced to, certain things, but when it comes to the thoughts of doing, i'm going to try, to think much less, explain or speak of what i want to do much less, and instead, do more, fail more, and then do even more.

Last week architecture theory, we were talking about how and why the progression of architecture has been slow, and why are there so many experiments being done over the years yet none can be formed. And the reason being, criticism was not taken critically rather, it was taken offensively. If we can look at criticism constructive, and see it as something that not to condemn us, but to improve us or to make us better, and then looking back at our mistake, and the experiment done on where things got wrong, and not restart another whole new experiment, then maybe, over the years, we may be able to finally have a breakthrough. Not starting anew, but brave enough to go back to where we failed, and find out why we fail.

That part, i believe is the synthesis. the reflection process.
and that,
is why, this blog still exist.
because, here is where my thoughts are, my mistakes lays,
where my present became past, that every word formed, helps me in finding my future.

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

dream come true

have you ever thought,

what if,
all of a sudden,
you got that realization,
that everything you have right now, at this second, this moment,
is all you have ever wished for?

what would that feeling be?
will you be really happy? satisfied? excited? overwhelmed?
i thought i would be.

but in reality,
when it happened to me, before it struck me, i was complaining.

the room of my dreams,
with that peaceful courtyard view, looking out at the autumn leaves,
two huge windows up above, looking into the blue blue skies and fluffy clouds.

the course of my ambition,
with the amazing variety of students and professors,
freedom of all sorts, choices of all kinds.

the travel around the world experiences,
with budget airlines and affordable travels,
to countries i can only dreamed of within hours.

the freedom of the life i've always wanted,
to do anything anytime, to be anywhere.

it is still unbelievable to believe this but
God really answered my prayers,
He gave me all these, all these that i have always wanted,
undeserving as I am, yet He still blessed me with all these.
Not just all these but so much more, more than I can ever dream of.

He gave me friends who love and care,
He gave me sisters that are always there.
The guidance and fellowship that i always craved for,
He gave it all to me.

What more, what more can i ask for?


i should be ashamed to even have the slightest thought of complaining.
God has done so much, so so much for me,
I should be the one doing something,
doing something for him.


Dear God,

Thank you for all that you have given to me, all that I have, I surrender myself and praise you to the end of the earth. How can i ever thank you enough?

In realization of all these, I am immensely grateful.
and for this moment, i just want to pause a moment, and absorb this all, for i do not know, how long more do i have, to own this moment........

Of Solitude or the art of learning to be alone

Of endless long baths with a cup of hot tea in hand,
Of mellow music playing, any kind, any time
Of then the cozy bath robe, tied or not,
who needs pants or clothes, there's no one to look,
Of any food you want, no one to judge or say,
any dishes to clean, now, later or another day,
Of drowning in books, day in, day out, in bed,
Of sketching endless drawings, no words needed to be said,
Of time to pray, time to think, time to sing,
Of dancing anytime, anyhow, with or without music.
Of daydreaming and staring into the sky, smiling,
Of snuggling in bed, breakfast at 4pm in the day,
Of following your heart, and let it take lead,
for a little while, for a few days.....
for there may only be a short moment, one moment, where you are in solitude, really alone.

Settled

53 days
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.

That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....

today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.

Settled.
was the only word i can think of.

God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way.  Amen.

Feelings

Officially 3 days to go.

luggage packing is a mess.
my feeling is in a mess.
thoughts are everywhere,
gifts everywhere...
yet there is one thing for sure.

It is God who made all these possible.
In d midst of all these rushing here and there, sending and receiving farewell gifts, last minute shoppings, last minute meeting up and all... i thought i should stop a moment to absorb all this, and to thank God for a little.

look unto Him despite of all things, all the mess, all the anticipation, all the hopes and dreams.
just stay still for a little to reflect on all things.

He has made this possible, and its finally happening.

Firstly, he sent a senior there before me. before any of these even begin. Just so this day will arrive where i can have some guidance and reliance.

then, he provided a best buddy to pick up the language. He provided the best teacher i could ever find to teach us, to prepare us, so that we did not just learn the language but the culture, and forming such special bonds.

all those, happened, and i was still clueless of what is to become.

and then, he offered a preposition through my boss. The motivation and opportunity that gave courage. and before all that, he gave the word that says : " Opportunity gives courage", the resolution of taking chances that begin in 2017.

It all came inline now. Connecting the dots.
It was my sister who witness me winning the award back in 2012. It is her who's supporting me to achieve my dream now.

He planned the cell group who gave me a prayer support system, the letting go of my heart on my sister's case, the love for my family, to surrender all things to Him, to taking this step, of finally going to achieve my dream.

God had it all planned. The roommate, the placement, the mail courier, the projects, the closed doors to Australia universities, the rejected scholarship, the relationships formed, the kindness of the consultants, the experienced seniors, the kind colleagues. He had it all planned.

Every step of the way, he was there, and he is still here. i can almost feel Him, sitting next to me, encouraging.

Thank you my Father Lord Jesus.
Thank you God for everything that You have given to me.
Despite all the mistakes that i have done, the rebellious heart, the ignorant mind...
Yet You still choose to bless me with my dream.
Your grace, Your love, is so amazingly great.
Greater than all things in the world,
greater than anyone can ever give.

I thank you Lord with all my heart and all my soul.
and I pray oh Lord, that i'll stay close to You throughout this new phase of life,
that i will not forget Your love, and keep close to Your teaching.
Teach me Dear Lord to hold unto You in all things, to consider You in all ways, and to renew my love to You every day just as You renew our strength.

thank you Lord for this day.
for this i give thanks to Your glory, to your grace, to Your name.
In Jesus name i pray,
Amen

its not just about not giving up... sometimes, its about not giving in.

today, i learned that as an architect, it is not about giving up or not, but rather whether to give in.

It is often very easy for one to give in to the " what seems like impossible hopeless situation" and change your design, but if you try hard enough, sometimes, you can comply and still keep what you wish to keep.

This is what i learned from my boss today. In fact, only today that i realized that, he has been doing this all these while.

We were working on staircase exit width calculations for the authority submission, and calculations showed that we are lacking of a certain number of staircases. I tried in many ways to achieve, but to be honest, i thought i work all ways...but after seeing what my boss did, i can't say i did anymore. He tried more than all ways, he thought of the right way,left way, up way, down way, side ways, back ways, the compromising way, the sacrificing way, but in all these ways, there are not the cheating ways. Its all the right way...just whether doable or not, and whether how much we are losing.

I did learn a good lesson. If it is definite that we have to lose something, what we are losing and how much are we giving away do make a big big difference. You dont jump straight to giving in everything, which of course be the fastest and easiest way, because it is also the most obvious way.
but, you have to try all ways, even the what seems like impossible way, (from the surface only really) ..because if you look hard enough, there will be ways in no ways.... and those ways, are only people with good eyes or good brains can find. Those ways, will only appear if  you take time and patience and effort! ( do not forget effort) and most importantly, faith. He has faith from the beginning, that it is doable, it is impossible to not comply...unlike me who panicked and stressed out when i can't solve, and actually if i was the one handling, i have already given up. because that day, honestly, i have already texted him if we can sacrifice those retail space. But he didn't let me do that, instead he came back, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, till finally....today, we got it! the number we needed!

oh the revelation of this scenario.

so, note to self,

Dear Melissa,

I know you do not give up easily, but you need to learn to not give in easily too, which is something you tend to do often. Because, in a lot of situations, it doesn't require you to give up to lose, sometimes, when you give in too quickly, you lose so much that it is not much of a difference to losing all.

so next time, try every ways you can, including the way no one has tried, and see from all angles and perspective, because putting your feet down on the least option that you can pick.

conclusion, don't just take the easy way out, take the good way, the right way, the best way.
becauseeeeee........

losing more is closer to losing all while losing less is closer to losing nothing at all.

and i do not mean the competition kind of win or lose, but more of the gain and lose kind of lose. if you get what i mean. oh, that will be if i get what i mean... since this is note to self. lol.

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

The story that came with 2015.

The month of January passes so quickly that before i could even embrace the coming of the new year it was already here jumping so quickly to the month of February. only until today that i get to sit down and arrange my thoughts, and this, is going to be a really long one. 

2015 has officially ended! hoorah. It was one of those difficult year, or more accurately emotionally confusing year. All jokes to quarter life crisis. cringing at the thought of it. But at the same time, it is because of these events that made you oh so grateful that you were not alone when all these happen, that there's someone up there, always watching over you, guiding your every step, yes, even when you choose to keep your distance with the one above, you can't hide yourself from Him, because He is all knowing, all powerful and all love. and you are actually grateful that you can never hide from Him, because deep down inside you were actually hoping that He would come looking for you, like a father looking for a lost child.

Episode one: Being Away.

Choosing to have my practical somewhere far away was one of the best decision i've ever made. The fear of knowing nothing and no one in the beginning was indeed intimidating at first, but the experiences that i have gained were just so amazing . So many great people i've met that made me felt so at home even when home was far away. So much i've learn, so much i got to see. It made me understand the freedom of being out there, the joy to meet new people, to have a space for your own, to own the world with no one to limit you. But at the same time, it also made me realize how helpless one can feel when you're so far away and something bad happened back home. No, that feeling isn't the best feeling in the world, it was horrible, and fearfully intimidating in which at that moment, you wish you could hop onto the next plane home just so you can hug them. your family, your close ones, people that you could always trust and will never leave you. even when you're the one who chose to go away. That is the only thing that made me think twice before making another decision to go another place distant. 

Episode two: The Fall.

This was a season of confusing thoughts and emotions all jumbled up. Each day passed by so quickly but slowly at the same time that things got so messed up and you got all messed up. Many wrong decisions were made but there are those right ones that you are more than grateful that those few were the right ones that you made. Its funny how God makes you learn sometime. correction, most of the time. Whether its for the stubborn ones, the weak ones, the tough ones, the caring ones, the kind ones, the adventurous ones, the ambitious ones, anyone... He got his stories to tell. He has His plans all laid out, without you knowing it. And more importantly, there's always something to learn from those mistakes, and given a 2nd chance, certain things you will still choose to go for, and those wrong decisions you made, are possibly the most important mistakes that you're gonna keep in mind, because it has led you to realized, that there are somethings in this world that you will never ever give up or choose to exchange with anything. It is like when you first learn to run.

When you first learn to run, you do not know where your limit is, so you just ran, as fast as you can, enjoying the thrill and breeze while running, until you ran so quickly that you didn't realize you were going downhill, and at that instance where your conscience kick in reminding you to check where you're going, all of the sudden you realized how far ahead the wrong direction you went and you got all panic and that's when you fell. The fight between the inertia that drags you to keep going with the realization that it isn't the destination you would want to arrive to, and then there's also between the temptation to ignore and just enjoy the breeze and also the fear that you'll never find your way home. So in the end, you just lost control and fell down. That is when everything, the view, the scenes, everything that got playing just stop. And you were left seated on that rocky ground, bleeding with your wounds and scratches. In the beginning, the fall was so painful and you were so afraid because you see a big wound on your knees and you think its never going away. And that moment, you realized, how quick you have been running, not knowing that you were losing control of your steering. But after all the crying, you slowly begin to see how far you have detoured from your original route, and that fall had to happen in order to stop you from going further into the wrong direction.

You then begin to be grateful of the fall, that God made you fell, He didn't make you bleed, it came together as a risk when you choose to start running in the first place. and also, He didn't stop me from running in the beginning, because if He did, He wouldn't be God. We would call Him a dictator, a mean ruler, a strict master who never let us try anything, despite how much we wanted to. But no, He was not all that, because He let me went ahead with my adventure, just so i would learn how far I could go, and I would know how fast i could run, just so i would learn how quick i should run. Weeks after the fall, as the wound became a scar, it became the scar to remind you to be extra careful next time. It is important because if it wasn't not there, it will look as if nothing has ever happen, there wasn't any adventure, there wasn't anything. You have not tried and you would not know what could have become and where your limit is. But because that adventure was a necessity, you wasn't left standing there wondering, what if, i had the courage and went for the adventure, would things be different now. But because you did, there were no regrets, it was all a matter of choice. That moment made me realized, every step you take, you were given full right to choose, and no one should be blamed for your decision. Not your parents, not your friends, not even God, but you, yourself have to take full responsibility on it. When you realized this, you know that you have grown, grown to be an adult, even if you're still five feet tall and dress like a kid, there is no way in denying that,  your decisions are yours to make. I know it is always the right choice to choose Him, for He is the only one that I can find comfort in. and even God, gave you the free will to choose.

Episode 3: Support.

These few months were all about having a support system, or being part of the support system.

This equation, of having and giving, has to be in equilibrium, and that, is not that easily achieved.

In the beginning, I thought I was being the support system to a close friend who needed me at that time, but at that same time, i needed a friend as much as she needed me. Days living in the hospital opened my eyes to see that those scenes live out from drama series very much came alive in front of me. The struggle between living and dying, the sick and the healthy, the pain of losing a love ones, the fight to stay alive, the strength to support, and the strength of little ones. I made mental notes to write a post about this, but haven't done it till now. You would think that 6 months of doing nothing would be free and easy, but to tell you the truth, that 6 months were the heaviest, toughest 6 months that I have ever been in. It was emotionally, mentally and physically challenging and tiring. It was exhausting, and i never knew one could be so emotionally exhausted. The days living in the hospital were days of revelations. Who knew such great revelations would come with this simple gesture of volunteering company. 

There, I met a family of 3 boys. The eldest living in the ICU for almost 8 months, while the younger two came visit every single days as the mother live in the community shelter provided for the family members of the ICU patients. The innocent two, i still remember their smile despite all the hardship, their sincere prayers before every meal, their cheeky actions killing a spider. i remember reading to them, feeding them, chasing them around the park. It is definitely not easy being a parent, moreover having a child that is battling with sickness. I still remember when the mother told me that her son told her the other day, that he did not want to live anymore. That sentence, made me teary, just listening to it, I could not imagine how the mother must have felt. But no she couldn't cry infront of him. She has to be the tough one, comforting and encouraging him that this is not the right way to think. She has to motivate him, to persuade him to fight further, when at the same time, the fight was tougher at her side. Financially, emotionally, her responsibilities for her younger ones, there isn't any left for herself. She didn't have time to think for herself. Then, i also realized how important it is to have an other half who can support all the way through. How strong the love of the two have to be to pull through this together. and how important is it to have God in this equation, because how strong can a human be. Without God, how can one have to strength to deal with all these. Simply being a friend, I had it hard, but as a friend, i can choose to just walk away, but how can a mother walk away from her own flesh. She couldn't. 

The second half was about my support system. These few months were my lowest. It was a road to everywhere but also a road to nowhere. It was a blurred path, if a path can even be seen. Everything was possible because nothing was there. There weren't any decisions made, and there weren't any solid options given. It was as if i was doing nothing, but i was doing everything i could. Every free time was passed with guilt because every second was free time. It wasn't free at all, it came with a price. Judgments came, comments were made, words were hurtful and it involves lots of crying. i had my plans, but i didn't know how to make them happen. i tried all ways, to run away from what seem like the worse of my plan, but God knew better. Despite how hard i tried to beat around the bush to avoid it, in the end, God pulled me back to the path that i dread so much to take. But He knew i wouldn't walk onto that path without giving a fight for the things i want, so He didn't stop me. He let me try every way i could find, to jump to dive, to climb to hike. and in His very special way, all circumstances made me willingly choose His path, which happened to be the very path i choose to avoid right from the beginning. The key point was this, everything has to happened, in order for me to WILLINGLY choose that path. And because of all that has happen, i was not complaining when the path came, but happily hopping and skipping into it, right up to now. Can you see how amazing this God is? all the trouble for my free will, all the trouble for my willingness, i was that important to Him. i feel so much love.

Episode 4: Back on track. New track that is.

And finally, the final episode of 2015, obviously needed a happy ending, the finale they called it. After what seemed like a pretty grey year, this was quite unexpected. I found belong in many ways. Career wise, i was given a great boss, understanding one that is willing to teach, caring and kind. He has the right principles but wasn't boastful. He is efficient and quick in many ways even with his steps. and most importantly, he is willing to share. This company is more than everything i was wishing to get. Tasks wise, i got to learn everything i want to learn. Contract, Authority, Design, Site, and construction soon. Community wise, i am happy with all the things i can do during the weekends up north. Who knew a fishing village could give me so much more than just fishes. The wish to have a mentor? i was given more than one. many to be honest, i couldn't be more grateful.

On alternate weeks, I have my happie getaway, where i found my sunrise and sunsets and a good peaceful corner to read. For the bonus, i got involved back in music, and performed in a concert. Finding back that feeling was nostalgic yet joyful. Certain things weren't the same anymore but the connection was there. Everything seems to be going on well. 

All these months flashed back like i was reading someone else'. And then i turn to the last page of the 2015 book and these words were printed;

"And she lives happily ever after"

going offline

it wasnt easy, bt its actually working.

social media and networking have been consuming much of the time quietly. i recently realized days can pass by easily with phone and internet. and it has been helping me in procrastinating my applications and portfolios. 

few days ago, d thought just suddenly came. to deactivate and delete everything from my phone. the second i deleted it, i found myself having nothing to do. no more fb to scroll, no more instagram to like, no more whatsapp msgs to reply, ive got nothing. whats left in d phone is only bible and a few productive apps. i found myself having no more distractions.

the process of choosing what to delete itself wasnt easy. to think of who r people i needed to inform regarding work required some effort. but it was all worth it. 

the last few days have been, more productive and fruitful. ive read more, ive think more, ive written more and im progressing somewhere, at least having a little hint on what i want/ can have for my future. 

thats when i realized, how much time have been wasted in social media. it wasnt all bad in it, but too large amount of time have been spent on it. it has become a habit to be constantly unlocking my phone just to check if theres a new notification, or a new incoming msg. bad bad.

the night after deleting it, i lie on bed and has no reason to hold onto to my phone before i sleep. no longer anything to scroll, my hand is finally willing to reach for solid books. 

the first thought was this is only for a week, a week free from everything else to really focus on prayer and God's word to find out which way to take for my future. but then again, im beginning to like the feeling of not being attached to the world, the feeling of not being attached to my phone. 

it is working. 

a man

Funny how my friends and I used to have a list of characteristics of our ideal "boyfriend".  Its ironic how those characteristics no longer matter. As we grew older, we got to know ourselves better. Being exposed to a bigger world, and given more responsibilities, we have all grown up.

Its a joy to see how a few of them have found themselves the man. A man whom God has planned and placed in their lives for them.

From them i realised how their lists have changed. how our lists have changed. no longer we fall for that boy with the specs on, or that boy who plays basketball so well. As we grew older, girls turned lady, and boys turned man. It is onli natural that the list changes as we are transformed to who we are today.

we have learned that we dont need the boy with the golden hair. we all need a man.

A man who understands or willing to understand.

A man who loves God and put Him above all things, through him you'll see His love, flowing abundantly with grace.

A man who works passionately on his job.

A man who is willing to work on a job that he doesn't love just to feed the family that he loves.

A man who sees the big picture,  who plans and thinks of the future.

A man who knows the joy of being humble,  who isn't worry about people not knowing he is capable.

A man who supports and encourages, who speak with wisdom and carefulness.

A man who is brave to admit his mistakes, having the courage to apologize.

A man who listens, and is quick to learn, who knows when to give you advice or silence. 

A man who can give an opinion, to set apart the pros and cons, to lead in decisions.

A man who is bold to speak, wise to lead and yet gentle to care and generous to give. 

Among my friends who do not know God, they told me that these kind of men do not exist. Naive and innocent they said, but its faith that I call. I believe, if one truly follows God's words, these qualities will be seen in his way of living.

"But for Adam no suitable helper was found.  So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. "

I believed that God has a plan for us all. Maybe now, maybe later, or even maybe, never, but the plan that God has for us, be it with the one or just us alone, if its God's plan, it will be the best for us.

and for that, His plan for me, whatever or whoever he might be, the man God has prepared for me or the man He has kept away from me. I'll believe.