challenges

i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?

 and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.

 Google answers though,
 1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
 2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
 3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.

hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.

though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?

its not just about not giving up... sometimes, its about not giving in.

today, i learned that as an architect, it is not about giving up or not, but rather whether to give in.

It is often very easy for one to give in to the " what seems like impossible hopeless situation" and change your design, but if you try hard enough, sometimes, you can comply and still keep what you wish to keep.

This is what i learned from my boss today. In fact, only today that i realized that, he has been doing this all these while.

We were working on staircase exit width calculations for the authority submission, and calculations showed that we are lacking of a certain number of staircases. I tried in many ways to achieve, but to be honest, i thought i work all ways...but after seeing what my boss did, i can't say i did anymore. He tried more than all ways, he thought of the right way,left way, up way, down way, side ways, back ways, the compromising way, the sacrificing way, but in all these ways, there are not the cheating ways. Its all the right way...just whether doable or not, and whether how much we are losing.

I did learn a good lesson. If it is definite that we have to lose something, what we are losing and how much are we giving away do make a big big difference. You dont jump straight to giving in everything, which of course be the fastest and easiest way, because it is also the most obvious way.
but, you have to try all ways, even the what seems like impossible way, (from the surface only really) ..because if you look hard enough, there will be ways in no ways.... and those ways, are only people with good eyes or good brains can find. Those ways, will only appear if  you take time and patience and effort! ( do not forget effort) and most importantly, faith. He has faith from the beginning, that it is doable, it is impossible to not comply...unlike me who panicked and stressed out when i can't solve, and actually if i was the one handling, i have already given up. because that day, honestly, i have already texted him if we can sacrifice those retail space. But he didn't let me do that, instead he came back, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, till finally....today, we got it! the number we needed!

oh the revelation of this scenario.

so, note to self,

Dear Melissa,

I know you do not give up easily, but you need to learn to not give in easily too, which is something you tend to do often. Because, in a lot of situations, it doesn't require you to give up to lose, sometimes, when you give in too quickly, you lose so much that it is not much of a difference to losing all.

so next time, try every ways you can, including the way no one has tried, and see from all angles and perspective, because putting your feet down on the least option that you can pick.

conclusion, don't just take the easy way out, take the good way, the right way, the best way.
becauseeeeee........

losing more is closer to losing all while losing less is closer to losing nothing at all.

and i do not mean the competition kind of win or lose, but more of the gain and lose kind of lose. if you get what i mean. oh, that will be if i get what i mean... since this is note to self. lol.

a dream with courage

to the trees to the greens

to the jungle that they live within

with a little hope and a little dream

and something fun in between

comes the baggage of some goodbyes

or maybe a new bag of Heys and HIs

whatever is it that it may be

its probably gonna be a treat

chasing after the experience one had

from the words that say i would like that

hence i'm going to see if its true

but i have a feeling i'll love it too

a couple of weeks a couple of months

a couple of works that got to be done

its finally the time to venture out

to the trees i've dream about

a leather sketch, a color brush

few books in hand, a cameraman

to live to experience to see to explore

let these days be worthwhile, let these days be more :)

loving what you do

its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,

and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them.  its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do. 

my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles. 

i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture. 

no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

do a plie and stand up tall

when you step out to see the world, you'll realize how little you are. i've learn to never underestimate any job one is holding, each job has its own challenge and difficulties.

Over the last two months, it has been an eye opening experience to me. Given the opportunity to travel to Europe, to be around the people of the industry, to learn things from peers from interiors, to walk and talk with journalists, to share meals and conversations with successful yet humble big bosses; it was nevertheless inspiring.

But little did i know, working together with usherers from a convention centre, talking to security guards of different nations, workers from Nepal and Indonesia, is as inspiring.

If my father knew, he would have said, don't talk to strangers, especially immigrant workers. well, i guess that's probably what any father would say to their daughter, daughters would know what i meant.

But in truth, they are simply just as amazing as any managing directors, any vice president of interior associates, any CEO of the company, the only difference is the thing you get to learn from them. Self protecting skills, we all should have, so, nobody ask you to give all your information to a stranger. But i think, sharing a conversation or two wouldn't do any harm. We are in a way, coworkers for at least 4 days. :)

so i guess, it is good to try jobs of different kinds. i did indeed learn much from this time's part time. From the way of dealing with people, offering your smiles, professionalism of hospitality and hmm... i guess, the most important of all, pure humility. It is always important to never see yourself higher than others. Because really, you never know.


a toast to all the amazing people i met. thanks for everything.