Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

a mess

aiyai yai yai yai

it is so obvious.

this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.

My Life is in a mess.

not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.


the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.

arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.

maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....

maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!

Anything

if you can choose  to do anything, learn any course, be anyone... put aside reality and practicality, if,
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?

when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.

maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.

if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?


i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.

to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.

or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.

or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.

or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about  events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.

or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.


there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,

you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,


i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.

so really,
what am i waiting for?

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

going offline

it wasnt easy, bt its actually working.

social media and networking have been consuming much of the time quietly. i recently realized days can pass by easily with phone and internet. and it has been helping me in procrastinating my applications and portfolios. 

few days ago, d thought just suddenly came. to deactivate and delete everything from my phone. the second i deleted it, i found myself having nothing to do. no more fb to scroll, no more instagram to like, no more whatsapp msgs to reply, ive got nothing. whats left in d phone is only bible and a few productive apps. i found myself having no more distractions.

the process of choosing what to delete itself wasnt easy. to think of who r people i needed to inform regarding work required some effort. but it was all worth it. 

the last few days have been, more productive and fruitful. ive read more, ive think more, ive written more and im progressing somewhere, at least having a little hint on what i want/ can have for my future. 

thats when i realized, how much time have been wasted in social media. it wasnt all bad in it, but too large amount of time have been spent on it. it has become a habit to be constantly unlocking my phone just to check if theres a new notification, or a new incoming msg. bad bad.

the night after deleting it, i lie on bed and has no reason to hold onto to my phone before i sleep. no longer anything to scroll, my hand is finally willing to reach for solid books. 

the first thought was this is only for a week, a week free from everything else to really focus on prayer and God's word to find out which way to take for my future. but then again, im beginning to like the feeling of not being attached to the world, the feeling of not being attached to my phone. 

it is working. 

lets talk

 i finalli understand why working ppl hate sunday nights!! cause its monday tmr and i dont want this day to end so sooooon toooo. :'( 

its tat time of the year when i feel like changing the skin of this blog again.
havent figure out what to draw yet but i'm getting on it. craving for more colours. :D
its actualli looking kinda dull. needa lift the mood a little.

the sugar honey bee

was looking back at some of the notes i wrote during seminars and lectures. its definitely something i miss alot. have been lazing around the house for quite some time, 1st month was outings all the way, 2nd month was a mixture of travel and dragging, the 3rd month was basically clearing the dragged list... a life of procrastination, not the best feeling in the world. :(

felt so useless and worthless. its like every morning, you find no interest to wake up because, there's nothing to anticipate, and at the end of the day of course, achieve nothing. 

hate being sucked into a black hole like this.

thankfully, today, looking back at all these notes, i finally found something that interest me again. one of my friend came asking me for some ideas on design last night, and suddenly, we were brainstorming for design ideas. 

THAT's the feeling that i missed.

That's the satisfaction that i lost.

that's the thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning, and not willing to go to bed. 

that's the thing that kept me reading for hours and had no time to sleep, eat or even think nonsense. 

i miss design. i miss brainstorming session. i miss using my brain to study something. and those wasted days of doing nothing were nothing but regrets. not gonna let my days go pass like that anymore.

i needa go back to studying mode. even when there's no exams. because really, what i miss is, learning  :)

unwrap the sweet please

oh please let the playlist of great music start moving,
 then my dusty pile of work can start going :)

颓废着的颓

now i know why human need a job.
a chef is a job.
a boss is a job.
a housewife is a job.
a student is a job.

but on current state, i'm jobless.
an unemployed student.
n i feel useless.
worthless.
like, i can just disappear from this world and no one will notice.
well, except for the ones that are annoyed by me every day.
like oma chan.

or maybe not, since she's also quite busy from her job and job and the other job.

things are just laying there waiting for me.
portfolios, applications, n things tat are supposed to be on the list.
and i just kept them waiting,
blissfully,
just like how somethings had kept me waiting,
blissfully.

i need a job.
i need to get up and start working towards a job.


i shall start getting the hype up by doing happy things, like painting the toilet and stapling things.
erm. when the sun comes out.
which is tomorrow.
right.

i'll be smiling at the ceiling.

tis

is staring at me from my screen everyday.

and then all of the sudden.

it announce

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

well. d real thing is wed. but my dates move two days faster. 

so yea. 

TOMORROW!

kays. freak out.

erm. i mean, peace out. 

of the time wasted

don't panic don't panic
of the time wasted, you can blame no one but yourself.
start now. start rushing now.
don't freak out while continue procrastinating.
freak out then start rushing.

its not too late.
its only too late when you can't do anything.
you still can do something aint?
so its not too late.
if you don't want to regret,
if you don't want to freak out further,
if you don't want to give this up,
move on, move forward, act.

don't complain if you aint gonna do anything about it.
don't sigh if  you haven't try.
don't freak out if you're gonna continue lazing.

its not how good you are,
remember?
its how good you want to be.

you're not doing this alone.
God is with you.
With God you can,
stop depending on your own strength and willpower.
you're weak.
face it,
you're just too weak.
don't put God in a box.
Let Him live in you.

remember the panic.
remember how important this is.
see the bigger picture.
remember.

totally 偷偷地 totally 偷偷地

let's do this today! 

不要放弃！要努力！

加油加油加油！ 

let's finish this today.

don't breathe till you finish. 

u have a total of 8 hours.

ready...

 set?  

GO!!!! 

erm, lets hang out. later. like 8 weeks later.

tada~~ 3d model in the making. 

let's do it do it~ 

keep the good aura up high~ 

where are my other classmates?

so, that closed group for our class was set up mainly to discuss about things we do not want to discuss face2face, erm. like very stress things. 

but little did they know that, the main aim is to actually stress them out when i'm stress.... bahahahaha. and here am i typing as if they are not gonna read this post. hee hee hee.. i'm just kidding...hehehe...

or am i?? *evil grin*

anyway, usually, people gets more motivated when there is a reward to be given. i dunno how tat works, but somehow it just work. so. i hereby, challenge the owner of this blog, erm. to survive.

and that if she one day survives, July,

she will be rewarded, erm....

er.....

hmm....

mmm....

...

wat???!

a very happie sushi meal?

okie?

with parfeit?

deal. 

and i have no idea how stress can make someone so randomly silly. heh.

pfft. 

stress. 

we don't go shit! damn! crap! , we go come on, let's go, lets rock it!!!

define labour day:
labour : work
equals to working day.

hence, you don't go out, you work.

after what seemed like the longest day yesterday, today is the only chance to catch up with the others.
being pointed to name as one of the person who has the slowest progress, doesn't feel nice. :(
being sick is not an excuse. running away from stress doesn't solve the problem.

tomorrow design class, is the day to redeem myself.

i won't waste this day.
i am gonna work this out.
not gonna give up.
not gonna feel bad and pity for myself.
simply saying doesn't get things going and doing nothing won't change any fact.


sacrificing an outing with family and making today a 'home alone' day is the first step.
to not fall into temptation is the 2nd.
now, its up to God and me


bring it on! with God's help, i'm not gonna fall that easily. jia you jia you jia you!!!!!
dear God, let's do this!!

its spring~ let's clean! :)

clickety click to catch the pic

kill 3 meals with 3 bugs

#taken from mustardqueen 

this caught my attention while blog hopping. challenge accepted! on ma way to find a jar. 

it'll take more than 3 mins.

ya da ya da ya da da

suddenly caught in a cooking spreeeeee.. weeee. finally get to bake cookies last month. :)
hehe. actually. this heat came from the oven that my mum juz bought a few days back. it can't wait to start working :D
but somehow, the things that i feel like making need not use the oven at all. >.<


made a "heart" burger for dad and an omelette roll for sis for breakfast today.

then just now, attempted to make okonomiyaki with whatever available in the kitchen and it actually didn't turn out as bad as i think it would be. honestly, for an okonomiyaki that wasn't even made of plain flour, i think i did pretty well. tho the pic didn't look tat good. :P still..  *satisfied*


so in this  "3 minutes heat"

i went for groceries shopping and voila. menu for the heat.
gonna try these soon.

1. a proper okonomiyaki. 

still needa get the okonomiyaki sauce n fish flakes. 

2. tomatoes bruschetta for mum

- always wanted to try making these since i saw it in the new york new york deli menu

3.  beef tortilla for dad

4. banana pancakes for oma chan!

5. lotsa onigiri. in case of darurat.

teehee. actually. its because i found a big pack of seaweed in the cupboard. 

tho they looked quite simple to prepare,
but considering my limited skills,
lets hope they'll turn out better than whats shown in the photo. :P

and no matter what i feed him he always seem to grow oh oh~

#1 tidy up closet

let's talk :)

so, here comes the 3 months break! yippee~  although there're like 2 classes in the week, it can still be considered as a 3 months break! this 3 months shall not be wasted like how i did last year > <

lotsa things i wanna do!! let's list it~

- teman sab jie
- start 'hiking' again
- start building portfolio ( redo model, create 3d)
- learn sketch up, revit and how to place lighting in 3d max
- one sketch a day
- start sewing
- help melanie
- read at least 5 books in bible.
- finish d 2 books on shelf  > <
- download architecture documentary
- tidy up "studio" n stuff
- get a job in autisme centre or something to do with horses
- paint the barn
- build a proper painted nice nice nice doggie house with proper pitch roof for dookoo

erm... i'm thinking like this -->

kalau boleh~~ lol

- filter photos!! (oh my darling, vietnam photos especially!!  x_x
- start making the photo wall at stairs

- walk doggies pls
- start report and final design!!!!! ( *can procrastinate til after cny)
- sleep more n sleep well


whua whua whua whua~~ > < amat ambitious!! pls pls pls melissa chong! pls do this okay. u can do this!! jiayou jiayou jiayou!! :D