helpless

just read another article that made me so mad and angry, leaving me so disappointed and horrified by how cruel and ugly this world has become.

disappointed in  the world because God has created everyone so beautifully,  imagining an artist, putting in His effort to paint every brush, picking His colour so carefully, applying every stroke with careful yet firm, gentle yet definite moves. He put in so much effort, having so much hope in His work, bt the outcome of a supposedly beautiful and perfect image is now rotting right below His nose. The cruel truth of humanity, the inhumane actions of certain group of people.  Imagine the heartache.

Feeling angry. Angry because here I stood, being just another person to read bout it, maybe the one thing I can do is to share bout it, but in truth, doing nothing to change the situation. Overwhelmed by how these horrible things can happen, disgusted by how power and authority can give people the ability to treat others in ways no one should be treated, abusing their given power in the ugliest way one can imagine.

Feeling helpless, because I studied so much but still have no idea how to help the people who are being abused. Horrified by how fast the society of the powerful, selfish, and cruel side is growing, horrified by how innocent and sad are the powerless and weak being abused; horrified by how isolated are the commons living in their own bubble as made-up picture perfect stories are being fed into their eyes and ears. 3 categories of people. and here I am wondering if I should even be glad that im in the 3rd category. I should of course be grateful that Im not in the category that abuse, or the category that being abused, but am I allowed to be happie and celebrate about this fact?

Let's not get started with the ugly sides of politics,  even those that are happening right infront of my eyes, even those... I dare not do anything about. I cant even protect a poor and helpless dog who cant speak for himself. sorry Diki :'(.

Human trafficking, child abuse, refugees being ill treated, inhumane living conditions of the foreigners,  ill-treated foreign maids, corruptions, slavery, prostitution, the cruel killing of animals and nature and it hurts me to say, the list goes on. all because of the sinful nature of greed, desire and selfishness. to feed one's sinful desire. first hand stories ive heard, but how can I help?

sometimes I wish, someone will have the superpower to stop it all. to change everything. that one day, all these will be gone. because is slavery really gone? no, it just transformed into a different form. if only I can have the superpower to change people's mind.

but I know God is the only one who has the superpower. How I wish to believe that this world will one day be sin free and picture perfect again, just like how He intended it to be in the first place, but whoever knows the bible know that its not going to happen. Not in this world. This world will only turn worse. People will only become uglier at heart and things are only going to get worse. Only those who believe can be saved, those who are willing can leave this world to the sin free place.

But the thought of that amount of people are going to die with this world scares me. The fear of how ugly this world is going to become before its end saddens me, what can I do? dear Lord, what can I do to help?? T-T

sometime

sometimes, 

i just wanna doodle nothing important, paint nothing matters, and think nothing significant

some days just need to be like that.

and somebody just needs to rest.

neverending neverending..come on ending...have you lost your way??

since this semester started, workload has been pouring in like hamster eating seeds....

i kept telling myself, two more weeks and i'll be free... and the two weeks just kept coming and never arrive. two weeks and another two weeks and another two weeks...till this day, i still have two weeks (hopefully its the final two weeks of rushing assignments) and then i can sit and stare at the sky and enjoy doing nothing. or maybe just lie flat on the cold floor and stare at my fingers, while whistling to my dogs every now and then...

but then again, i'm sort of grateful being this busy these few months, because it takes my mind off certain things, things i don't enjoy thinking.

still.. i anticipates the coming sem break. oh come already please...

seriously can't imagine life without sushi and swimming, because this world is too dangerous for hiking, swimming is now my new favourite. i'll learn some kungfu before heading back to hiking again.

i just feel like babbling because babbling helps the overly exhausted brain to let loose a little.
i needa cut my hair. i wanna doodle nothing important, paint nothing matters, and think nothing significant.

reasons to keep you going :)

one of my friend said, i guess life is like this. shitty things happen...

and yea..i guess.. shitty things do happen..... but, you just got to find reasons to keep you going..
finding your purpose in life, your motivation to move forward, your strength to wake up each morning and your reason to smile again...

i just got to keep reminding myself what's mine :')
jia you jia you jia you!

oh feets

oh the joy of moving around places with a backpack and happie feet. i need to survive this depressing stage of assignments and reports to experience that again. i needtohavetogotto. come on!!!! 

inspirations! motivations! happinitiation! 

to use your heart and not your brain

if you were given a choice to choose, will you choose to have a fragile heart or a harden heart?

Quoting C.S.Lewis,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

i find the matter of the heart very important to me. i depend on my heart a lot. there's this thing that i always tell myself when i am about to do something silly like spending nights not sleeping to create gifts that people never even ask for, or might not even appreciate, or when i'm about to embarrass myself to cheer someone up, that is:

" its time to use your heart and not your brain".

confused?

i personally believe that everything that the heart does is towards the advantage of others. for example, when you're about to make a gift for someone, you use your heart and not your brain. Because, if you use your brain, you would possibly end up taking the most practical route; the time and cost efficient way to achieve that goal. But, if you use your heart, all you will think of is how happy the receiving person will be upon receiving this gift; even if it means you have to sacrifice your time, your sleep and your money to put in all your effort in creating that gift. Because what matters to the heart is the other person, but what matters to the brain is, common sense, logical sense, trying to reason all things out and protect yourself. to use the heart is by listening to God's whisper and the holy spirit, to use the brain is like depending on your own wisdom.

i like how C.S.Lewis quote it. "to love at all is to be vulnerable". it hits the point right on. it is true when you uses your heart, you get hurt so easily. To others, it might seem to be the silliest thing to do, when i use my heart. But to me, that's all that matter. emotional? i choose to not take that as emotional. irrational? maybe, but i like to be that way. love isn't at all rational to begin with. Even God's love are all things but rational.

Rational thinking will say, if that person doesn't do you any good and brings harm to you, your brain will tell you to stay away. But God's love says, if that person doesn't love you, love them anyways. love your neighbours but love your enemies more. If someone hits you on the right cheek, offer them your left cheek. Is that rational? totally not. your wisdom will tell you its not worth getting hurt. that person didn't care, why do you even bother? but you will do so, if you use your heart. Because, the heart knows that, doing so is helping that other person, even if it hurts yourself to do so. Of course i'm not saying that one should help the other person blindly with all your heart till the point like stealing or killing for that person. Everything still needs to go according to God's word. 

What i meant is, if someone hurts you in the past, by forgiving that person and continue to help that person, you're risking yourself of being hurt again. In moments like these, your brain will tell you to stay as far as you can from that person, to keep your guard up, to protect yourself. But your heart, will say otherwise. Continue to stay close with that person to help them, that doesn't mean you don't keep your guard up, you do, but you still are willing to risk yourself in getting hurt because doing so is the only way to ensure you are doing no harm to anyone else, except yourself. 

and no, i'm not doing that because i like to hurt myself. But because i have the faith that, God will be the one who will be protecting and watching over me. i leave that part to God. i'm weak, i can't protect myself. but i have a great God who can. He did say in psalm 121:7,

The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life;

And in 2 Thessalonians 3:3 states,

But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 

so, all one have to do is use all his heart and all his soul to do God's will, and live according to His word. to use his heart and not his brain to love regardless of whether the person deserves it or not. 

when you are willing to use your heart, you'll realize that you care so much more, be it for the people, animal, the environment or basically anything, everything will matter to you. Having said that, you will also realize, how weak your heart has become. you'll find that many days you'll have a heavy heart because there are so many things that you care about, every little things will strike the heart, your heart will hurt. that's probably why little children cry a lot, because they use their heart in everything they do. i guess that's what C.S.Lewis meant by being vulnerable. 

God remains the strength of my heart

God has been guiding me each step every day. i've been so weak these couple of weeks, with so many things happening and all. its just difficult for the heart to digest all things. so many things to learn, so many mistakes i've made, so many mental notes to keep, and it seems almost impossible to be able to do this on my own. no, let me rephrase. its totally impossible for me to do this on my own. i can't do it. its too hard. its too much to take in, its too impossible to digest. my heart couldnt take it. my mind unwilling to comprehend it all. i don't have d courage to believe anything.

the reason i'm still standing here, holding it all together, taking one step at a time, and having the strength to take the next breath, is all by God's grace and God given strength. Without God's wisdom, i can't survive. without His grace, my heart wouldn't be able to sustain.

blogging, has always been a platform for me to clear my thoughts. every single time my mind are filled with messy thoughts, when my heart is all confused, putting the thoughts into words, after building them into proper sentences and paragraphs and summaries and conclusions, always help everything to make sense.

and that's what happening now again.

i just feel the need to thank God. every single day. every single second. because
He's the strength to my next breath.
He's the strength to my next heart beat.
He's the strength for to wake up every morning to go to uni.
He's the strength for me to do anything at all.

i thank God for His wisdom.

i don't want to live on my own wisdom. in fact, i don't even have wisdom to start with. i feel so weak and strength-less without Him. i don't even think i have the strength to wake up in the morning for this period of time. and i'm glad He's pulling me through every single second. i'm glad He's here with me, telling me its okay, telling me even if i can't do this, He can do this for me. and because i'm weak, He's strong. day by day, He's revealing something, from the random movies i picked to watch, books i chose to read, people i meet and talk to, lectures i attend, places that i go and the things i spend doing.... all are part of His way of revealing something to me. something for me to learn, something to remind me and to make me realize.
how can i even comprehend His wonders with my own silly understanding. 

some of my friends said, how can i surrender all these into God's hands. how can i even be sure if theres a God to begin with. but what they do not know is, i had my moments of doubts when i shouldnt.  i've always been trying so hard to do things my way and i've failed. and i'm grateful that i've failed. God made me fail to teach me lessons. God made me learn so that i can grow. God make me fall so that i can grow stronger and He is molding me. but i guess putting all these into words can't really describe and make others comprehend. God works in magnificent ways that one can only comprehend it when he's the one to experience it. even so, one might even be able to comprehend, no...not until God decided to soften his heart and reveal His wisdom to him.

so if you're reading this and you don't get a word i'm saying about God. its totally not weird at all. because, this is my part of experiencing God, and your part has yet to come. but when its your turn, you'll probably get it. 

im gonna be perfectly fine

it has been so long since i last posted anything.
its funny how blogging no longer seems to be the thing anymore? but i still like to blog. for me, its not so much of a trend thing, but its something i actually like doing because writing it down actually helps me believe that it actually happen. like sometimes, things that happened were so surreal that i sometimes couldn't be sure whether it actually did happened or did i just made it up in my mind. but reading back what i wrote, it helps to confirm that it did actually happened. and it felt nice reading it. and it also helps connecting the dots. then you will remember to be content. to be grateful of all the things that have actually happened. especially during the bad times.

this two months has been awesome. its amazing how God made everything fall into place like perfectly. like, i never really planned it, the timing and all but it just all fall in the right place at the right time. The perfect place to intern, i got everything i wanted, wait...i got more than what i actually prayed for. the people are nice, the place is awesome, my friends are there for lunch and i learned so much from that place.

Not only that the work wasn't that difficult. the people there are too nice to me, and its amazing how God has made me know each of them individually in his own timing, to reveal the things that He wants me to learn about. Sacrifices made for their family, the love for their children, the determination in work, the principles of life, the commitment you hold, the ownership in the things you do, the way you deal with things and people, being humble, being a sponge, being open to criticism, open to learning new ways and so much more. And then there's all the amazing company He placed around me, sweet and awesome new friends, and my very best friend who stayed back with me every single time, chasing the sunset after work every evening, scream and shout when we're stressed and LLL. then there's the kind and caring ones that He placed near me, bringing them closer in His own special ways and timing, using them to motivate and support me in my times of need, i know its all Him. My internship couldn't have been great without Jesus, without His guidance, without His blessings, without His protection.

And then, there's the New Zealand trip. Didn't even planned it in the first place, and He sort of made it happen. The amazing things i experienced backpacking alone. Can't believe i actually did it. Oh the amazing things i see, the roadtrips i had, the breathtaking places ive been to, though i didn't get to skydive in the end, i'm sure He knows the perfect timing for that to happen. God is good. He knew i needed this escape. He knew i needed this adventure, He knew exactly what i needed. and then He provides, He provides even more than you can ever ask for. He doesn't give you the things you want, but He gives you the things you need. and you don't need to tell Him that because sometimes, you don't even know what you really need.

now its the time to be grateful for all of these. i hate it when i'm feeling like this, all depressed and couldnt focus on the list of things to do, but kept indulging in feeling down and confused, feeling all upset on the things i couldnt get and things i couldnt get any answers... but counting these blessings made everything alright.
God made everything alright. Because its obvious He is taking care of me, i feel relieved that i'm not going through this on my own, that He has it all planned out for me, He will reveal to me in His own timing, He will take care of it, i have absolutely no right and no need to be worried about anything. all i need to do is trust in Him and to completely surrender to Him without any doubt.

then, everything will be perfectly fine. because He is with me. because He is my awesome father. He is my awesome God.

Stand in the gap

i am nervous.
i am nervous to see the change.
i am nervous to be voting for the first time.
i am nervous to see what will happen.
i am nervous to be part of making it happen.
i am nervous.

my heart is skipping
my legs are fidgeting
my mind is playing faster than flashbacks.

i am nervous but i'm not scared, for I know our God will be with us.
i am nervous but i am prepared, for I know our God has chosen this for us.
let us all pray for a better future.
let us pray for a fair election.
let us pray that the voices be heard, actions be taken, and changes be made.
let us pray, and believe, that tomorrow will be different! :)

wherever You may lead i will follow

Shepherd of my soul
I give you full control,
Wherever You may lead
I will follow

I have made the choice
to listen for Your voice,
Wherever You may lead
I will go

Be it in a quiet pasture
or by a gentle stream
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.

Should I face a mighty mountain
or a valley dark and deep
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

Shepherd of my soul
Oh You have made me whole
Where’er I hear You call
how my tears flow

How I feel your love
how I want to serve
I gladly give my heart to You O – Lord.

Be it in the flowing river or in the quiet night
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.Should I face the stormy weather or the dangers of this world
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

learning petals

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began,

“We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.” 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”

hit d pause button at the right corner, to stop the looping music of the blog. -->  (just above God hears every word :)



tho the song is a little slow n draggy, but i adore the lyrics. the article challenged us to study the lyrics of the song, and live them out in our daily life. clickety click for the full article.



Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional. We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give. tats nice.

mm polka dots

- on the train
                             - in the bus
                                                 - on the bed trying to fall asleep
                                                                                               - waiting


i realized, its only during these time when i really feel like blogging and have the desire to put down the thoughts in mind....


but when i'm finally sitting in front of the computer wanting to type, the too much in mind just ended up too tangled in a knot. difficult to explain, tiring to summarize. in the end, u get constipation.

all i feel like doing is
draw...
at least, tat little piece of my mind can come out and take a walk.

i know i must be thankful! i am thankful....  but when someone ask me bout what's next? sigh
i dunno anything bout it either.

make sense to me

Love is doing little things

Remembrance is the joy it brings.

It lends a warmth to every heart

Little things are so great a part

Of what it’s like to love the best

To run the mile and pass the test.

God doesn’t ask you to be the lark

Or brighten skies with your spark.

He only asks what you can do

To plod along ’til you are through.

Your labors need not be so fine,

But quiet, soft, and quite benign.

Hardly noticed by the like of these

But greater far than forest trees.

Because they sought no great reward

But merely to help others toward

Some sheltered love which is from God.

Doing little things isn’t very hard.

~ Jean Quigley

u're big, and i'm small.

in the midst of ups and downs, rain and shine, dark grey water and pitch black sky, sometimes its difficult to look past all bad things that has happened around us and simply feel good bout being here, being alive, being healthy and being blessed. some days, it becomes so overwhelming and you wondered, why are you lying here on a comfy bed, in a cooling room wrapped in warm blanket and still complains...
though some days you're just contented and grateful, there are always some days where you just take it all for granted.

there are always certain point in life when you ask the questions, what for? what if? what then? what now?
what difference can we really make as a person? how much can we do or even, what can we do?
they say one can make a difference, at least to the other one.  just like that starfish story. but when the moon hangs low, and more things become overwhelming, its difficult to constantly stay within that high spirited happie positive mode.

there are days where you just have a heavy heart.
a heavy heart.
it only proves that you're still breathing, and living.

but where to lead ur heavy heart?

sometimes i let that heavy heart linger a little, and let it remind myself how weak, how tiny, how insignificant i am. in hope that this time will be the time where i'll learn to fully leave things to God, and let the heavy heart lead me back to God.

last time, i've tried.
this time, i'll try.
and till that one day when i try, i'll know how to not try.
for a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near.

the sound

one always gotta have a cover ready.

who knows when they will need to publish an album all of a sudden.
u can't be sure, really.

so now that i have one ready,

i'll have one thing less to worry about..

you're a good man

happiness is singing together when the day is through,
and happiness is those who sing with you.

happiness is morning and evening,
day time and night time too.

for happiness is anyone and anything
at all that's loved by you~ :)

sidetracked

ou. just in case u want a quiet night, the pause button is right ther... --->
:) good night.

the A list

saturday night,

an often eventful night. but surprisingly today, i'm just home too early.

maybe its because my sis isn't around for me to bug, and i'm free to go anywhere with a car, i felt so restless, and didn't feel like going home. 

but in the end, i still did came home. to find my family sitting in the living room. and they're all home. except for my sister. that's when i realize, it has been awhile since i sat in the living room like this. and \im suddenly glad i'm home.
and there's so many things i feel like doing.

feel like blogging, feel like painting, feel like filtering the photos that have sat there waiting.

feel like dancing, feel like sketching, feel like cleaning the house till the sun comes calling.

feel like hiking, feel like swimming, feel like skyping all my friends who are half way around the world studying.

and here i am blogging, and listing down a whole list of random things to do. 

thank God for random things, and random words to say.

that perk things up a little and make it more :D :D yay! 

i wonder y i like making lists. :P

how white make things shine

photos by Sharon Montrase

i remember falling in love with a giraffe from a gallery of animal portraits. i don't remember who the photographer was but i love how the photoshoot was done. all young animals were brought into the studio and photos were taken gently. i think its Sharon Montrase. 

maybe, it was because the animals were taken to heart by the photographer, the pictures came out beautifully genuine. 

oh  giraffaaaa....  sho cute

check out her other photos and videos of doggies too...

here here here~~ 

do the potato dance~

hmm.. i wonder if there's a job to try all jobs?
yesterday there's a pizza delivery girl.
i wanna try delivering pizza.

i wanna be....
hmm..

i wanna be
a fisherman. erm. fisherwoman? and experience the storm.
a bus driver. and drive a double decker bus.
a waiter and wear a tuxedo.
a garbage collector. and see wher all the rubbish go.
a farmer, and eat rice by the paddy field. milk the cow in the morning and own a big big zoo.
a painter, and paint anything i like.
another kind of painter, the one that paint houses.
a bricklayer, building a wall from scratch.
a mechanic, then all engines i'll understand.
a coconut picker, then learn to climb tall trees with bare hands.
oh. i wanna be the guy driving people's luggage to the plane. standing on the belt and throw their luggages off the plane. :D

i wanna try all jobs, and learn the value to it.
i think all jobs are cool, if u noe what and why u're doing.

:O but i dun wanna try all these in kidzania.

wee? :D

every smile worth a little

it always feels good to be appreciated.
it feels even better when u don't have to ask to be appreciated.
i like it when people shows appreciations to one another.
people saying thank you very much with a smile always charms more than a little.

sometimes, always being available and nice tend to make a certain person takes you for granted too easily.
that's when the idea of going far away suddenly seems so tempting even when it means you have to leave everything behind to go to a whole new place all by yourself. all that, just to pass the message that all the things you do, aint something that's "supposed" to happen.

a simple thank you, a simple how are you, a simple bye before ending a conversation, a simple motivation and encouragement, sometimes is all it needs. is it that difficult? but i guess, not everyone get that point right. most of the basic things sometimes just fall into the "not necessary" category. and in the world of short messages and online chat, too many things are taken as unnecessary.