numb

since when since how the heart has stopped feeling
any pain or sadness even when skin is peeling
dont know how nor know why cant tell what's in my mind
have I became too cruel or too scared to cry

the neighbour that passed without saying goodbye
after a terrible fall in the middle of the night
heard of the news no feeling yet why
too cold too cruel or too dry the eyes

and now again a news came by
again the cold came like frozen ice
the heart below freezing too many ties
no feeling came rushing only logical sighs

seeking memories seeking old binds
searching for at least one reason to lie
then she remembered as she laid by her side
like a mother she said its okay, dont cry.

with all her hairs nw grey and white
laying there weakly in coma tonight
its still cold like a bad winter pie
im afraid to go tmr, and hopefully wudnt be to bid goodbye

helpless

just read another article that made me so mad and angry, leaving me so disappointed and horrified by how cruel and ugly this world has become.

disappointed in  the world because God has created everyone so beautifully,  imagining an artist, putting in His effort to paint every brush, picking His colour so carefully, applying every stroke with careful yet firm, gentle yet definite moves. He put in so much effort, having so much hope in His work, bt the outcome of a supposedly beautiful and perfect image is now rotting right below His nose. The cruel truth of humanity, the inhumane actions of certain group of people.  Imagine the heartache.

Feeling angry. Angry because here I stood, being just another person to read bout it, maybe the one thing I can do is to share bout it, but in truth, doing nothing to change the situation. Overwhelmed by how these horrible things can happen, disgusted by how power and authority can give people the ability to treat others in ways no one should be treated, abusing their given power in the ugliest way one can imagine.

Feeling helpless, because I studied so much but still have no idea how to help the people who are being abused. Horrified by how fast the society of the powerful, selfish, and cruel side is growing, horrified by how innocent and sad are the powerless and weak being abused; horrified by how isolated are the commons living in their own bubble as made-up picture perfect stories are being fed into their eyes and ears. 3 categories of people. and here I am wondering if I should even be glad that im in the 3rd category. I should of course be grateful that Im not in the category that abuse, or the category that being abused, but am I allowed to be happie and celebrate about this fact?

Let's not get started with the ugly sides of politics,  even those that are happening right infront of my eyes, even those... I dare not do anything about. I cant even protect a poor and helpless dog who cant speak for himself. sorry Diki :'(.

Human trafficking, child abuse, refugees being ill treated, inhumane living conditions of the foreigners,  ill-treated foreign maids, corruptions, slavery, prostitution, the cruel killing of animals and nature and it hurts me to say, the list goes on. all because of the sinful nature of greed, desire and selfishness. to feed one's sinful desire. first hand stories ive heard, but how can I help?

sometimes I wish, someone will have the superpower to stop it all. to change everything. that one day, all these will be gone. because is slavery really gone? no, it just transformed into a different form. if only I can have the superpower to change people's mind.

but I know God is the only one who has the superpower. How I wish to believe that this world will one day be sin free and picture perfect again, just like how He intended it to be in the first place, but whoever knows the bible know that its not going to happen. Not in this world. This world will only turn worse. People will only become uglier at heart and things are only going to get worse. Only those who believe can be saved, those who are willing can leave this world to the sin free place.

But the thought of that amount of people are going to die with this world scares me. The fear of how ugly this world is going to become before its end saddens me, what can I do? dear Lord, what can I do to help?? T-T

mm polka dots

- on the train
                             - in the bus
                                                 - on the bed trying to fall asleep
                                                                                               - waiting


i realized, its only during these time when i really feel like blogging and have the desire to put down the thoughts in mind....


but when i'm finally sitting in front of the computer wanting to type, the too much in mind just ended up too tangled in a knot. difficult to explain, tiring to summarize. in the end, u get constipation.

all i feel like doing is
draw...
at least, tat little piece of my mind can come out and take a walk.

i know i must be thankful! i am thankful....  but when someone ask me bout what's next? sigh
i dunno anything bout it either.

dear Lord,
please help me think.

a little bigger, a little bigger

生气不如留一口气，
吞口气是为了和气。

不会吞气
needa practice.

if he can hear the dog say

SHOCKING news. 23:45PM, 12th AUG 2012

a friend just called to tell me that he just witnessed a reckless driver who ran over a dog on purpose.

He had enough time to stop but he didnt, he just drove over the poor dog. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

seriously

what kind of person with a heart can do such a thing. and still have the ego to scold others.

perhaps, that person don't own a heart.

my kind friend, was brave enough to u-turn and move the dog to the road side. 

each hand holding 2 legs of the dog, dragging the soft n dead doggy, with its broken bones....

you have my respect!

poor him. He feels so bad now :( who can bear to face this alone?? 

then my sister ask,

do dogs go to heaven?

this is a question i often ask myself. :(

the mother dog even came back to look at it. poor poor poor doggy. poor poor mama dog. :( 

d last time when v managed to save that cat, its a happy thing.
this, is a TERRIBLY HORRIBLe thing. :( 

mayb others might not think this is a big deal,
mayb, they just don't care.
but if they matter to you, you know how horrible such a thing to see.
trees, animals, human alike.

but God says, don't hate the people, hate their sins.
don't curse the people, pray for him.

is calling him stupid consider cursing?
but he's just so stupid. :(
stupid driver :( 

2 只 鸡

oma says....
he....粉身碎骨d.. :( 
so sad.
dear tortoise,  why...what makes u wanna commit suicide?  :( y u so cham? :(

mayb yr owner is as bad as nemo's braces girl.

mayb u watched mulan n thinks tat u might be as fortunate as d cricket.

but...

of all road, u choose to cross ldp. U really... 2只鸡! 

RIP. im gonna name u Koda.
Rest in peace Koda.
if only i can stop n save u.

c is the word before 2 pits.

have you ever tried

cooking without knowing what's edible?

writing essay without knowing any alphabets?

dancing without knowing how to stand?

singing without knowing any song?

solving a math question without knowing the formula?

that's how i feel right now.

trying to do this working drawing without knowing how these technical stuff functions. 

trying so hard to design something but restricted by the limited construction methods i know :(

not a good feeling. i feel stupid. so stupid. 

the bottom that has no bottom

ding dong ding dong ding ding dong

So, it started with last semester from how a group of us worked together to analyse on an urban site in KL, taking the strengths and weakness, to come up with a new masterplan for that area. Together, we proposed a number of new buildings to be built there. So, in this semester, each of us took one of the buildings proposed as  our final project.

and i picked. horses. and autisme.
basically, its a building, that functions as an autisme centre, collaborating with therapy using horses.

horses. i've always wanted to know more bout horses. somehow, i think its the most beautiful animal in this whole wide world. size and proportion, spirit and character.

autisme. its something so near yet so far. so deep yet so direct.
take note:  autistic people are not mentally retarted, they are just people who struggle a bit harder than the others in their feelings and emotions.
and its always very inspiring to see what they can do.

the design. supposed to be a place where both can be comfortable in. to understand and guide. to give spaces and to comfort.

EquinoTherapia lalala

its supposed to be all inspiring, motivating, satisfying and overwhelming.
and now i am overwhelmed... with stress.

its so frustrating when u happily go find a lecturer and ask for his opinion, and then his comments just beats you down again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

first lecturer comments, u take in the comment happily,
2nd one comments, u edit and solve the problem.
the 3rd one came, and u edit and edit and edit and edit and edit.


and it just kept comin and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming...
and anyone in this course will know that a design process NEVER really ends.
but when to put a stop to it, is so difficult to define.
when, WHEN, do you stop taking advices?
and proceed with what you have.

when??


seriously. horse poop. horse poop?!! seriously! which part of it looks like horse poop! :(

not this black hole! NO!!

okay!
i'm gonna give up
this is so hard
i'm frustrated
i feel so bad
i fall very easily
this stupid crappy damnit design
is so demotivating
this is so shitty
so crappy
so horrible and ugly and not right!
nothing is right!!
im gonna fail
i can't do this anymore :'(
maybe i should just give up!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


but what can i do if i give up?
cannot give up!! i musn't give up!! i can't afford to give up !!!!
melissa chong. stop thinking. stop analyzing. just do it! pls. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
barhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

if you don't do it now

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

designing is the most inspiring yet most frustrating
                       most motivating yet most discouraging
                       most captivating yet most nerve-wrecking
                       most satisfying yet most condemning
process!!!

it is so easy to picture that perfect and overwhelming building in your mind,
only to be disappointed and depressed to realize that its so so so difficult to put it down in paper with sketches, words and structures.

not to forget, to meet the requirements, to solve the non compromising space planning, the restricting site planning, the  troublesome services, the complicated structures, without sacrificing what you love to have in the design. and it seems so impossible.

where to get that positive vibe, when every morning you wake up just to be told that this won't work.
where to get that fun energy, when you don't have that designated place to keep your momentum moving.
where to get that ambitious confidence, when you don't believe you have the capability to create the expected result.

you dream your painting, then you paint your dream.
if only it's literally that simple.

what did i say?

dear God,

 why is this so hard? 

i'll miss you lots

be nice and accompany the egg will ya. i heard they say malacca camp is pretty. 

the things i focus on so other things will be less significant

maybe i should try staying away from u

look at their once happy feet

my lecturer once said,

only the people who once experience and enjoyed the beauty of nature will concern about it. the best way to make them care is to make them love it. let them enjoy nature and they will learn to love it. it beats any campaign. they will learn to protect because it matters to them. 

and he did make the ocean matter to us. 

its heartbreaking to know that all these, each little creature that God has made in joy, are at risk.


imagine,  you did not sleep for 3 days and nights to complete your little model. and when you finally completed it, someone barged in and ruined it before your assessment day.
imagine.

God did not create the world in 3 days. 

i dare not imagine. :'(

i throw u into d bucket and punch punch punch

oh noes oh noes :( 

class cancellation again!!!

next week exam is so six feet under x_X

it sort of comes with the hat and uniform....

i tot i shud hav gotten use with it by now....

a bigger heart than this

comparison.

why do people like to compare?

we all know that God has created each and everyone of us to be different.

we may have the same hair colour but we may not have the same eyes,

we may have the same skin colour but we may not have the same personality.

many people often ask me, why when your sister have long hair, you will have short?

i do not deny that i did it on purpose. and all, just to give the hint to others to stop comparing.

we all have different ways of doing things. and no one should expect two to be the same.

i just don't understand why should it be any different when it comes to this.

just because one doesn't show doesn't mean one doesn't care.

dear lord, please help me to forgive.

give her a break would ya?

i wish there is a magic wand, so i can go bibbidi bobbidi boo.

and if there is a wishing star, it will be like another dream come true.

i know that bubbles can hear me whisper, but if they can whisper along,

they would be able to fly to where i desire, and whisper to you my song.

all these magic magical things can't really be true,

but sometimes i rather forget and just be a fool.

if that can help make things a little better

why not remain a dreamer....