the last 100m run

when your heart beats faster than your breath,
and your thoughts fly faster than your mind can process.


that adrenaline rush,
of the hope in my heart,
of what can happen, what can be, how can it impact the community,


it is the feeling, of heart and soul,
of pouring my heart out,
squeezing my brain to think,
and the assurance from God that this is part of His plan

it is this feeling that Architecture can do
it is this feeling of when everything connects, and everything make sense, when the purpose is so clear, that they made me shake, make me excited, makes me overwhelmed

and the only thing that separates you from here to there is, you running towards it.

you know?
that adrenaline rush when you see that finish line approaching, and you think of that excitement with all that hope.
and between you and that goal, is just this 100m run where you can see yourself running towards it, and that part is where i am now.

running towards that 100m finish line.
this rush, and excitement makes me shake, but that adrenaline rush gives so much power, knowing that you will soon, soon be there.

"you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do"

" you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do"

this phrase, these are the exact words that i wrote back in April 2014. 4 and a half years ago. In a blogpost, writing how happy am i in doing what i love, the joy of learning, the joy in doing architecture.

and here am i today, lost in words of what to write for the abstract of my master thesis.
words, never came out so difficult, never, so lost of words.

what changed? what is different?

i have been struggling recently, no, for two semester, on really loving architecture. and i did not know why, i couldn't find the passion to do my assignments, why am i constantly so lost, not knowing how to proceed, not knowing what to do, lost the joy of doing, thinking, pursuing, completing projects, and instead, i just do for the sake of submitting, no passion, nope, not the goosebumps feeling that i used to have when i was doing architecture in the previous years. how did i got so lost, and now, i think, i'm in the black hole. YES, the black hole that i also wrote before in this blog. That black hole that every architecture student or even architect dread, that horrible scary helpless black hole.

i used to really love architecture, and i think, i love it because i love learning about it. There were so many things i didn't know, so many things that surprises me along the way, each new project i start, teaches me so many different things, touches me, inspire me with the impact that it can do in changes people life, wellbeing and even a whole community. i love imagining how the people will live in the designs that i plan, how children can climb that wall, how parents can sit and read to relax, how neighbours can chat, how communities can live and be happy. those things, those ideas, those thoughts, made me happy. Eventhough they were all imaginations of what could be, are all imaginary scenes in the process of designs, yet even those virtual scenarios, fill my heart, keeps it beating, excites my soul, energizes my spirit.

maybe maybe, i really did forget. Forgotten that i love to learn, forgotten to enjoy the things i like, forgotten to feel the joy, forgotten to live the moment. Too many distractions and unfiltered thoughts, too many adventures of unfiltered travels, too much to take in without time to process it all, i, am in a mess.

a gooey, messy, pile of mess.

but still, i really thank God.
because no matter what my state of mind is, how different i have become, how much changes that has happened, there is one thing, one thing that remains,
and that is God's company, standing by my side, holding me, guiding me, very gently to live each day.

He is still here, even when i'm a mess.
He is still here, even when i'm being ungrateful.
He is still here, no matter what i've become.
and He is still here, reminding me, why, and how, i love architecture.

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

maybe, maybe, before i start doing architecture, i need to first find the love that i used to have, the love of doing, then will come the joy of the doing, and then it can, again be, an architecture with a piece of my heart.

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

know don't i

sees who above He only.

now not me not knows who.
be to it for pray and,
hope still i can then.

forgives He still.
found as guilty,
fall i again yet,

so says above one the till not.
when and where and is what,
figure can see can tell can who,

year jogging the cone the soy the.
greens picking silly those,
memories and thoughts and words those,

question i, think i, wonder i though.
should it, or would it, or will it whether,
moment the, day the, time the, know don't i