Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

challenges

i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?

 and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.

 Google answers though,
 1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
 2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
 3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.

hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.

though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

Good Good Father

I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like

But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word

You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Because you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love

You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father

You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

This song, really express what i am feeling currently. So overwhelmed by His love, His blessing, and all the things that He has given me.

"Oh, it's love so undeniable

I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think"

My good good father, 

its who you are, 

that gave me what i am yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

Thank you Father Lord Jesus, for choosing me, to even have the chance to know you, and be Your children. I can no longer imagine my life without You. and I glad, again and again, You helped me to choose You, over all other things. May i always be able  to choose You in my life, You as my saviour, You as my priority, You as the truth and the light, You as my guidance, You as my strength, You as the throne. 

Thank you Lord, for all the love that you have given to me. I want to know You more. Thank you God, You're beautiful, gracious and wonder almight God. You created heaven and earth. The stars in the sky, and the shade  and every colour of this earth. Amazing God. Thank you Father, my good good Father. <3 div="">

worth it

I am experiencing something new and really heart overwhelming view every time i go out i felt like i have never really travelled before in my life.


okay. maybe, that moment at the peak of Mount John in New Zealand, but that was a rare moment.
Here, it is almost easy to get that.

and the breathtaking view, in which at that moment, i felt like, all the hardship, the efforts put, the long journey, all the uncertainties, the trouble along the way, the disappointments seem insignificant anymore, because what is important is i am standing here, at this place, staring into this view, at that very moment, absorbing all.


it was all worth it. worth the wait. worth not to settle for less. worth the trouble, worth the dream, worth everything.

Thank you, my dear God :')

of preparations

what happened to the resolution of writing something everyday? 

life happened, work happened, applications and news happened!

so many things happened since the last post, which leading me to where am i today. lying on bed with a new laptop on lap with a mind full of thoughts and fingers not knowing where to start typing. 

It was supposed to be a next year plan. 

but like what its stated in the bible. You can always plan your ways, but God will determine your steps. 

According to my plan, none of these were supposed to happen this year. i would still be saving till next year, with another year of working experience and more time to figure out where do i really want to go. 

but God's way, always work in ways we never expect, amazing ways, and always far better than what we plan/desire. 

but even at this stage, in the midst of the visa application, i still dare not believe that this is really happening. This is really happening. Let's pray that everything will go smoothly. 

through the eyes of faith

God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good
all the time
through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good
all the time

If you're walking through the valley
and there are shadows all around
Do not fear He will guide you
He will keep you safe and sound
Cause He has promised to never leave you
Nor forsake you and His word is true

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time

we are sinners and so unworthy
Still for us He chose to die
filled us with His Holy Spirit
Now we can stand and testify
that His love is everlasting
and His mercies- they will never end

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good, all the time

Though I may not understand
All the plans He left for me
My life is in Your hands
And through the eyes of faith, I can clearly see

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

i meltz

going offline

it wasnt easy, bt its actually working.

social media and networking have been consuming much of the time quietly. i recently realized days can pass by easily with phone and internet. and it has been helping me in procrastinating my applications and portfolios. 

few days ago, d thought just suddenly came. to deactivate and delete everything from my phone. the second i deleted it, i found myself having nothing to do. no more fb to scroll, no more instagram to like, no more whatsapp msgs to reply, ive got nothing. whats left in d phone is only bible and a few productive apps. i found myself having no more distractions.

the process of choosing what to delete itself wasnt easy. to think of who r people i needed to inform regarding work required some effort. but it was all worth it. 

the last few days have been, more productive and fruitful. ive read more, ive think more, ive written more and im progressing somewhere, at least having a little hint on what i want/ can have for my future. 

thats when i realized, how much time have been wasted in social media. it wasnt all bad in it, but too large amount of time have been spent on it. it has become a habit to be constantly unlocking my phone just to check if theres a new notification, or a new incoming msg. bad bad.

the night after deleting it, i lie on bed and has no reason to hold onto to my phone before i sleep. no longer anything to scroll, my hand is finally willing to reach for solid books. 

the first thought was this is only for a week, a week free from everything else to really focus on prayer and God's word to find out which way to take for my future. but then again, im beginning to like the feeling of not being attached to the world, the feeling of not being attached to my phone. 

it is working. 

definitely, maybe

today, i watched the movie again when it showed on Diva. its like my 5th time watching it? its still as good as the first. how they depict complicated stuff in a two hours movie in the simplest form, through telling a story to a kid.

how easy would life be, if we were all able to do that, having a narrator telling us what to do with our life? just that in that movie, the narrator was the main actor himself. it always seems much clearly when you tell someone the story of your life, and as you summarize it up into words, things begin to make sense. maybe that's why i'm always telling my friends stories. things just doesn't quite make sense in my brain. if i ever have the chance to step foot into my brain, i would imagine it being a big colourful messy space with things flying around, and dusts on many quotes. hah. that would be a nice picture to doodle about. my brain. (keep that in note)

how nice, if i can just watch my life being played like a movie, clearly narrated, maybe i'll know what to do then. but then again, there would be too many embarrassing moments and scenes that i wouldnt dare watching it again. horrible. possibly rated thriller.

a kid. if all adults can be as genuine as a kid, to think innocently as a kid... if i can be a kid again, wouldnt life be more colourful then?

definitely, maybe.

tired

i need a break.
i miss God. i miss peace.

work is piling up, pressure of the future is closing in, expectations of everyone around is suffocating me. or maybe, its just my own expectation that is suffocating myself.

i never knew how i survived times like these, other than through God's strength.
the amount of work, with the amount of strength i have left, it always seems impossible.
Yet, time after time, God pull me through, and i survived, day by day, each and every time.

why push so far? why try so hard? why be the best? why go through these?
why set so high? why aim so much? why can't let go? and just let it be?
why get things done? why not leave them as it is? why not disappoint others? why not go easy?

why give my all?

what do i want? what do i need? what can i do? why can't i sleep?

oh feets

oh the joy of moving around places with a backpack and happie feet. i need to survive this depressing stage of assignments and reports to experience that again. i needtohavetogotto. come on!!!! 

inspirations! motivations! happinitiation! 

im gonna be perfectly fine

it has been so long since i last posted anything.
its funny how blogging no longer seems to be the thing anymore? but i still like to blog. for me, its not so much of a trend thing, but its something i actually like doing because writing it down actually helps me believe that it actually happen. like sometimes, things that happened were so surreal that i sometimes couldn't be sure whether it actually did happened or did i just made it up in my mind. but reading back what i wrote, it helps to confirm that it did actually happened. and it felt nice reading it. and it also helps connecting the dots. then you will remember to be content. to be grateful of all the things that have actually happened. especially during the bad times.

this two months has been awesome. its amazing how God made everything fall into place like perfectly. like, i never really planned it, the timing and all but it just all fall in the right place at the right time. The perfect place to intern, i got everything i wanted, wait...i got more than what i actually prayed for. the people are nice, the place is awesome, my friends are there for lunch and i learned so much from that place.

Not only that the work wasn't that difficult. the people there are too nice to me, and its amazing how God has made me know each of them individually in his own timing, to reveal the things that He wants me to learn about. Sacrifices made for their family, the love for their children, the determination in work, the principles of life, the commitment you hold, the ownership in the things you do, the way you deal with things and people, being humble, being a sponge, being open to criticism, open to learning new ways and so much more. And then there's all the amazing company He placed around me, sweet and awesome new friends, and my very best friend who stayed back with me every single time, chasing the sunset after work every evening, scream and shout when we're stressed and LLL. then there's the kind and caring ones that He placed near me, bringing them closer in His own special ways and timing, using them to motivate and support me in my times of need, i know its all Him. My internship couldn't have been great without Jesus, without His guidance, without His blessings, without His protection.

And then, there's the New Zealand trip. Didn't even planned it in the first place, and He sort of made it happen. The amazing things i experienced backpacking alone. Can't believe i actually did it. Oh the amazing things i see, the roadtrips i had, the breathtaking places ive been to, though i didn't get to skydive in the end, i'm sure He knows the perfect timing for that to happen. God is good. He knew i needed this escape. He knew i needed this adventure, He knew exactly what i needed. and then He provides, He provides even more than you can ever ask for. He doesn't give you the things you want, but He gives you the things you need. and you don't need to tell Him that because sometimes, you don't even know what you really need.

now its the time to be grateful for all of these. i hate it when i'm feeling like this, all depressed and couldnt focus on the list of things to do, but kept indulging in feeling down and confused, feeling all upset on the things i couldnt get and things i couldnt get any answers... but counting these blessings made everything alright.
God made everything alright. Because its obvious He is taking care of me, i feel relieved that i'm not going through this on my own, that He has it all planned out for me, He will reveal to me in His own timing, He will take care of it, i have absolutely no right and no need to be worried about anything. all i need to do is trust in Him and to completely surrender to Him without any doubt.

then, everything will be perfectly fine. because He is with me. because He is my awesome father. He is my awesome God.

mm polka dots

- on the train
                             - in the bus
                                                 - on the bed trying to fall asleep
                                                                                               - waiting


i realized, its only during these time when i really feel like blogging and have the desire to put down the thoughts in mind....


but when i'm finally sitting in front of the computer wanting to type, the too much in mind just ended up too tangled in a knot. difficult to explain, tiring to summarize. in the end, u get constipation.

all i feel like doing is
draw...
at least, tat little piece of my mind can come out and take a walk.

i know i must be thankful! i am thankful....  but when someone ask me bout what's next? sigh
i dunno anything bout it either.

heart pain pain pain pain

:(  this morning, in the office, a very horrible terrible msg came in. :(

"Mel, zai leg got one hole. :( will bring to vet later."

hole???! holeee!! how can a dog's leg possibly have a hole??? how did it happened ?? :(

zai's was limping on monday night but we thought it was normal cause his leg hasn't been good since d last owner sent him to us. although he was limping more unusual than before, we thought tat Sam fought with him over food again. plus he was eating like normal...

then... then.. this morning, reagan checked on him n found d horrible hole.

something worse? reagan said the hole was big enough to fit a marble!! T_T ewwwww :'(

even worse???
the vet says there were lotsa lotsa maggots in it. and a surgery is needed to clean all the maggots.

how can we not know anything at all??? he looked so normal other than that limping leg.
he greeted us when we come home, he ate when we feed. :( i feel so guilty for not bathing him last weekend. i could have notice.

poor zai... my heart is so pain.. poor poor zai. he must hav felt very pain....d maggots eating up his flesh. :(
i'm soooooooo sorrrrrry zai......
how can i not know :'(

dear Lord... please bless zai zai.. :(

if a small wound ends up to this.... how is diki now?? 

dear Lord, please bless diki too 

heal them.  

a prayer.

oh dear Lord, my fingers are crossed.
i pray i pray and pray pray pray.
very ganjeong.

If this is your plan for me Lord, so be it. if You have better plans, Amen.
I know my future is in Your hands.
All of my hopes and dreams and plans.
where to, send me and i will go.
what to, tell me and i will do.
when to, show me and i will stay.

one thing i've learn throughout these years,
even the silent prayer within the heart, He can hear.

dear Lord,
please help me think.

颓废着的颓

now i know why human need a job.
a chef is a job.
a boss is a job.
a housewife is a job.
a student is a job.

but on current state, i'm jobless.
an unemployed student.
n i feel useless.
worthless.
like, i can just disappear from this world and no one will notice.
well, except for the ones that are annoyed by me every day.
like oma chan.

or maybe not, since she's also quite busy from her job and job and the other job.

things are just laying there waiting for me.
portfolios, applications, n things tat are supposed to be on the list.
and i just kept them waiting,
blissfully,
just like how somethings had kept me waiting,
blissfully.

i need a job.
i need to get up and start working towards a job.


i shall start getting the hype up by doing happy things, like painting the toilet and stapling things.
erm. when the sun comes out.
which is tomorrow.
right.