challenges

i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?

 and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.

 Google answers though,
 1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
 2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
 3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.

hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.

though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?

Be Strong and Courageous

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

" Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:5-9

why i love Dessau

why i love dessau

some say it's plain and boring,
but i say it's plain is quaint

why i love dessau
of the many mornings i cycled, overlooking the misty lakes,
of the many beautiful summer, days of bicycle tours,
of the endless new discoveries, of every new hidden gems,
of the beautiful green path, beneath the blue blue skies

why i love dessau
of the 3 little cygnets that slowly turned into beautiful swans
of hours and hours lying under trees, feeling the spring breeze,
of shades of yellow orange and red leaves, falling down swiftly ,
of melodious birds chirping, singing happy songs

why i love dessau
of sitting by the peaceful still water, waiting for wisdom to be bestowed upon
of strumming of strings by the river flow, accompanied by dandelions flying
of grilling with my comfortable friends, waving them at kayaks passerby
of lying under more trees, with snacks and munchies and refreshing fruits

so do you see why i love dessau?
i think it is here that my overwhelming energy need not be contained
it is here that i can cycle hours and hours, using up every exploding energy
it is here that i can take a nap under a tree, without worrying about anything
it is here that i learn about myself, what i really truly like
it is here that i hear God, so close, so loud, so real to me
it is here that i found family, of sisters and parents and friends so kind

and so it's why i so love dessau
it's plain is just because it is a quaint little town

My Lighthouse

you said,
You're my lighthouse, and you will bring me safe to shore. I will trust in You, even when the oceans roar.

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness. I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms
Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

Rare Poems #1

The Bible

Much books I have perus'd, but I protest
Of books the sacred Bible is the best.
Some books may much of humane Learning boast
But here's the language of the Holy Ghost.
Hence we draw living water, here we do
Observe the Patriarchs' lives, and doctrine too:
Here Christ himself directs us how to pray,
And to the Gate of Heaven chalks the way.
Here is the salve which gives the blind their sight,
All darkness to expel; here is the light:
Here is strong meat for men and milk to feed
The weaker babes, which more perfection need;
Cast off erroneous pamphlets, wanton rhymmes,
All feigned books of love, which cheat the times,
And read this book of life; those shall appear
With Christ in Heaven which are written here.

- Rowland Watkyns

The Future 2.0

So, the eyes blinked and more than 10 years have passed since The Future 1.0 post was written, which is the very first post i wrote in this blog.

I am not a doctor, not a captain, and definitely not a president of a country. but with the grace of God, i am a Master of Arts in architecture graduate who graduated in the world famous Bauhaus building itself. That's something definitely out of expectation. Really, who knew i will have a chance to even come to Germany, to this little village gem, that so few have heard of, but holds the Bauhaus school back in 1920s, being the icon of Modernity, where so many well known designers. artist, and architects came from. I still remember the first semester of architecture 10 years ago, the very first thing that we heard of is about Bauhaus and its movement. Walter Gropius, Mies Van de Rohe, these names were all so unfamiliar back then, but today, on this very same land, this very same building, this 100th year celebration, i've graduated from my 10th years of architecture studies.

Bauhaus 1931 vs Bauhaus 2019

God is so good to me.
i remember the week when i was about to fly,
my flight was cancelled a few days before. I got so worried and had to search for a flight last minute. but God has other plans in mind. He knew i was afraid to fly alone, so He cancelled my flight so that i could join the other new friends in flying and stepping foot together onto this foreign land. and now, we have all made it together. We survived two years and is about to step foot into a much wider and even more foreign world of the architecture industry in Germany.

First arrival 2017 vs Graduation 2019

Throughout these two years, God is really so close to me. He taught me so many things, led me to so many precious experience, and placed so many beautiful angels around me. 

two years of adventures and God's grace

He gave me a German family, amazingly supportive sisters and brothers in Christ, an international world of studiomates and friends, moments of peace and joy under trees, by still waters, endless great moments, wonderful travels of explorations, overwhelmingly touching experiences of His miracle, and most importantly, He gave me a chance to get to know Him personally. 

It was really an amazing 2 years, and though i have no idea what the future holds, these 10 years were definitely an amazing growth.  and though I can't imagine what the next 10 years will be like, one thing i am certain, that God will be in the picture, and i want to stay close to Him, forever and ever. 

喜欢雨的味道

do you know the smell of rain?

how can one describe it?

sitting at the window of my bright little room,

feeling the cold breeze on my left arm, 

i closed my eyes and take a deep breath, 

the night bird called, 

i closed my eyes and took another deep breath, 

trying to absorb all of these feelings. 

my one metre wide window wide open, 

there's only a net that prevents the bugs from coming in, 

can you smell this?

the freedom,

the peace, 

the quietness before the rain. 

how long will i still have,

moments like these? 

i love sitting by this window. 

if my father were here, he would freak out as i sat here so high up, 

don't do something so dangerous he would say, 

but i love this peace, love this cold breeze, 

if i could, i would put my feet out, 

so maybe its good that the previous tenant left the net here. 

that day, i went out to look from below, 

i didn't know that from the outside, my window was also so beautiful. 

that's how people see, if i were to sit by it, 

with my guitar, 

with my notebook, 

with my breakfast plate.

how long more can i enjoy moments like this?

but where did the rain go?

i'm waiting. 

can you smell it already? 

i took another deep breath. 

now i hear the rain, with that night bird calling again.

finally, it started to rain. 

i really love this feeling

累的日子，至少还有十六天

感觉现在好像过的好苦的日子。 不是生活上的苦，是心灵上的挣扎。
感觉整个人好像两边都在强拉的绳子，越拉越远，整个人快被撕开一样 T_T


aaaaaaaaaaaa

真的好想回家 ， 虽然回家其实也解决不到问题。 怎么办？我真的很累了

that awkward friend

you know how in every movie, or every comedy, there's always that one awkward friend?
and in most of the movie, its actually very quickly or to say, easy to assume that you're always that cool lead actor or that gentle beautiful lead actress, seldom, one relates themselves to that awkward friend.

what if? one day, you woke up with that realization.....

what if all these while, probably since birth, i was and possibly am, that crazily awkward friend?
the one that people don't usually admire, the one that people laugh at? the one that people find amusing?

honestly, i kinda think that i'm that awkward friend you know. My bestfriends have always been the pretty ones, the tall ones, the gentle ones, the artistic ones, the smart ones, the athletic ones, the kind ones, the rich ones, the good at cooking ones....

and suddenly, when i start comparing myself to all of these friends, it seems like i'm a sum of nothing?

and do you believe it? that is always how it all begins.....first you doubt, then you convince yourself that is the way it is, and you start believing it, and then it becomes the truth.

but in truth, and i mean real truth, not the fabricated truth, am i a sum of nothing? is anyone a sum of nothing?

we are often all in this world with a set of measures and scales, use the wrong tools and you can never measure the right thing. if an apple tablet is striving to be light, measure it with a bird's feather, it'll never reach its standard of lightness. if a lemon is really good at being sour, use it as a sweetener and all things just doesn't seem right. so, in truth, everyone has a little bit of awkwardness, some shows it a little more, some hides it a little better. and those in the movie? shows it out a lot. and if these characters don't exist at all in the movie, and everyone is just that perfect beautiful actors and actress? how dull and boring would that movie be? and isn't life the same? there's nothing wrong at all in being awkward, in fact, its kind of a natural ability, its almost like a gift, if you dare to embrace it, and until the day you find your right set of tools to measure, until the day you become the lead actress/actor of your own set movie, dear comrades, let's not lose faith or lost hope in being that awkward friend. because, we all know how important that friend is, and as much as we need them, if no one is willing to be them, how can we have them?

Hamburg, the beautifully fishy town

Was in Hamburg last weekend. Daily German classes and thesis work had take their toll on me. immediately jump on the idea of a weekend getaway when a friend mentioned Hamburg. Totally forgotten how exciting travelling can be, the excitement just builds up as the weekend approaches.

On Saturday morning, we took the 4am train to Hamburg, transiting at Magdeburg and Uelzen. Before this, i have never heard of the town Uelzen. The sunrise during the journey was really beautiful. This is one of the thing i know i'll miss when i leave Germany. The beautiful plain fields, even when its kinda all dried weeds in this season. That flat plain fields rolling out with no ends to it, with that beautiful shades of purple and pink with a tint of orange sky, featuring a few wind turbine that stand far edge in a distance. that peaceful feeling, is just a beautiful moment, and helps you think, or helps you NOT to think, not to worry, but to just breathe in, and take a deep breath to inhale this current moment.

Although the weather was really bad, not stop raining and windy gloomy all day long, but it was still a very fun weekend. We visited the Rathaus, had a "fashionable" photoshooting session, catched up with my ex housemates, had some overpriced backfisch Brotchen.

Rathaus Hamburg ( The Town Hall) 

Elbphilharmonie Hamburg

This building is like a maze of reflections. Honestly, it makes me dizzy, though i can't deny the architect did capture some amazing atmosphere, but i was dizzy the entire day after visiting this building. 

View from Elbphilharmonie

We also visited the Miniature museum too. That was really a cool museum, with so many detail little models, it could take all day to look at all the little stories hidden within the models. Too bad i was too tired to really look at all the models, was just trying my best to look at some. can't believe i'm saying this, but yes, age is catching up, Schade.

Don't you think it looks really realistic? Depicting the highway at dusk. 

The Ice Hotel in Nortic 

One of the ski village

The snow was actually made of glass dusk i think. We couldn't resist touching it despite the sign. oops. 

Look at the amount of sheep. and they are all not identical. Each of it were really animated. 

This little fairy hole was hidden in one of the huge mountain pieces. One of the fun thing to do is actually trying to spot the hidden stories.   Credit to Esther for spotting this one. 

Was trying to play the Giants in a model of thousands mini humans at an open amphitheatre model of Romeo and Juliet. Can't seem to get the focus right though. 

The famous FischMarkt of Hamburg. yes, it was raining. 

One of the famous truck that sells large plants. Would definitely buy some if i'm really living in Germany. My mum would have love this truck!

All of these cost around 5 Euro in total

My portion of 5 Euro fish 

One grateful thing, is that the hostel Esther booked for us was really really really convenient and great. We stayed at the Generator Hostel. Booked in a 8 bed mixed dorm. Its usually gross to stay in a mixed dorm as most of the guys in there sleep with only their boxes on. but this time we were very blessed. 7 out of the 8 beds were female guests. and we got our little corner of 4 together with a taiwanese girl. On top of that, the hostel was just opposite the Hbf, and next to a U bahn and bus stop too. Couldn't get anymore convenient. We shopped so much the next morning at the famous Fischmarkt Hamburg. The vegetables and fishes were really cheap. Flowers too. its funny how there are trucks auctioning off fishes, pasta packets, and even chocolates. It was both funny and interesting to watch at the same time. It was really fun! We all have a little "aunty" in us, as we went around hunting for the best bargain. Finally, we managed to grabbed a 10 Euro deal of a whole load of fishes. Esther and I shared the load. And on top of that, i managed to get 3 packs of cherry tomatoes for just 1 euro, 4 zucchini for 1 euro too, and 2 melons for 1 euro. It was crazy. I guess its a good thing that there's only that much we can carry in our bags for us, or else we will be buying everything. lol

God is so good, He always know what we needed most in our days. For this trip, on one side, He knew i needed a break, on the other hand, He brought us to Hamburg the exact time when a friend in Hamburg needed some company. She just lost her job and a bestfriend. It was no coincident that God brought us there that exact week to spend time with her, and help her to bring some luggage back too. God knows us so well even when we totally don't deserve it.

All in all, it was an amazingly awesome trip. Though it was tiring, its the happy kind of tired. Hamburg is a really beautiful city, industrial port, filled with red bricks, along the river, rainy gloomy weather. Great friends and company, not to forget great food. Despite the tirednesss, I won't hesitate to do it all over again within a heartbeat!