challenges

i feel like i am suffocating. Being in a foreign country is difficult, but being in a foreign country with a totally different language is more than difficult. Though i have recently passed my B1 German exams, which is the basic qualification for those who wants to apply as permanent residence here, but as i practice for the interview, i struggled so much just for a simple introduction. You would think that speaking is definitely not a problem for me, but this, really is suffocating me. i feel like i'm a mute, who can't speak, i have so many things i want to share and say, but i just can't express it out. do you know what i mean?

 and today, I stood by the window of my current 8th storey building, staring out into the cold night. There hang the perfectly round moon, low in the night sky, glowing with its orangee yellow glow, staring back at me. Yesterday was mid-autumn festival, it made me wonder, honestly, what am i doing this for? why do people go out of their comfort zone? i mean, why do people challenge themselves to do difficult things? I actually even google that question. honestly. I mean, a daily challenge of like jogging and stuff is one thing, but why do people, go all the way to a different side of earth, to do things they have never done, for reasons they themselves are not even sure of? why, challenge things that are so difficult, over things that you're not even sure if you will like? why do the things that is opposite from what your heart desire? i really do not know.

 Google answers though,
 1. If you don’t try, you won’t know what you’re capable of
 2. Each challenge you face helps you grow as a person
 3. Overcoming challenges is empowering this are the top three answers from google.

hmm. i still don't find that satisfying. but i guess, this is another episode of thinking too much. as much as i want to just give up now and go back to my comfort bubble in malaysia, one logic that i find with the minimal explanation is, we all once feel the struggle in learning how to walk. and though i have not much memory about that, rather than my dad holding me by the hands, guiding me to walk each step (because of an old photo), i am sure that i must have fell many times and cried many times, but i should be really grateful that i did not give up back then. i can't imagine what my life would be if i gave up learning to walk. where could i even be then? so, in the same scenario, if i feel this phase of forcing myself to go to this faraway interview, all by myself in this foreign land of an unfamiliar language is so tough, i guess, if i don't give up, maybe one day the future me will also be as grateful as me now for my past baby self. maybe now i can't see why did i have to do what i am doing now, but i guess only through doing it, i would get an answer for all of these why. If i choose to go home now, i probably will never find out, what could have been.

though my dad is not here to hold my hands now, i believe my Father in heaven is still here to hold my hands as i walk into the interview room next week. and worse come to worse, a smile is still a universal language right?

The Future 2.0

So, the eyes blinked and more than 10 years have passed since The Future 1.0 post was written, which is the very first post i wrote in this blog.

I am not a doctor, not a captain, and definitely not a president of a country. but with the grace of God, i am a Master of Arts in architecture graduate who graduated in the world famous Bauhaus building itself. That's something definitely out of expectation. Really, who knew i will have a chance to even come to Germany, to this little village gem, that so few have heard of, but holds the Bauhaus school back in 1920s, being the icon of Modernity, where so many well known designers. artist, and architects came from. I still remember the first semester of architecture 10 years ago, the very first thing that we heard of is about Bauhaus and its movement. Walter Gropius, Mies Van de Rohe, these names were all so unfamiliar back then, but today, on this very same land, this very same building, this 100th year celebration, i've graduated from my 10th years of architecture studies.

Bauhaus 1931 vs Bauhaus 2019

God is so good to me.
i remember the week when i was about to fly,
my flight was cancelled a few days before. I got so worried and had to search for a flight last minute. but God has other plans in mind. He knew i was afraid to fly alone, so He cancelled my flight so that i could join the other new friends in flying and stepping foot together onto this foreign land. and now, we have all made it together. We survived two years and is about to step foot into a much wider and even more foreign world of the architecture industry in Germany.

First arrival 2017 vs Graduation 2019

Throughout these two years, God is really so close to me. He taught me so many things, led me to so many precious experience, and placed so many beautiful angels around me. 

two years of adventures and God's grace

He gave me a German family, amazingly supportive sisters and brothers in Christ, an international world of studiomates and friends, moments of peace and joy under trees, by still waters, endless great moments, wonderful travels of explorations, overwhelmingly touching experiences of His miracle, and most importantly, He gave me a chance to get to know Him personally. 

It was really an amazing 2 years, and though i have no idea what the future holds, these 10 years were definitely an amazing growth.  and though I can't imagine what the next 10 years will be like, one thing i am certain, that God will be in the picture, and i want to stay close to Him, forever and ever. 

that awkward friend

you know how in every movie, or every comedy, there's always that one awkward friend?
and in most of the movie, its actually very quickly or to say, easy to assume that you're always that cool lead actor or that gentle beautiful lead actress, seldom, one relates themselves to that awkward friend.

what if? one day, you woke up with that realization.....

what if all these while, probably since birth, i was and possibly am, that crazily awkward friend?
the one that people don't usually admire, the one that people laugh at? the one that people find amusing?

honestly, i kinda think that i'm that awkward friend you know. My bestfriends have always been the pretty ones, the tall ones, the gentle ones, the artistic ones, the smart ones, the athletic ones, the kind ones, the rich ones, the good at cooking ones....

and suddenly, when i start comparing myself to all of these friends, it seems like i'm a sum of nothing?

and do you believe it? that is always how it all begins.....first you doubt, then you convince yourself that is the way it is, and you start believing it, and then it becomes the truth.

but in truth, and i mean real truth, not the fabricated truth, am i a sum of nothing? is anyone a sum of nothing?

we are often all in this world with a set of measures and scales, use the wrong tools and you can never measure the right thing. if an apple tablet is striving to be light, measure it with a bird's feather, it'll never reach its standard of lightness. if a lemon is really good at being sour, use it as a sweetener and all things just doesn't seem right. so, in truth, everyone has a little bit of awkwardness, some shows it a little more, some hides it a little better. and those in the movie? shows it out a lot. and if these characters don't exist at all in the movie, and everyone is just that perfect beautiful actors and actress? how dull and boring would that movie be? and isn't life the same? there's nothing wrong at all in being awkward, in fact, its kind of a natural ability, its almost like a gift, if you dare to embrace it, and until the day you find your right set of tools to measure, until the day you become the lead actress/actor of your own set movie, dear comrades, let's not lose faith or lost hope in being that awkward friend. because, we all know how important that friend is, and as much as we need them, if no one is willing to be them, how can we have them?

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

a mess

aiyai yai yai yai

it is so obvious.

this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.

My Life is in a mess.

not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.


the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.

arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.

maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....

maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!

why does this blog still exist?

randomly, today, i went on clicking on all the links of bloggers i used to follow, of which i think inspires, and sadly, many of them has moved on. hopefully, just moved on from blogging, and not from what they are doing with their blogging. bakers hopefully still bake, writers still write, and painter still paint.

but why is mine still existing?

firstly, i think blogging has been more of a inspiration to me more than anyone else. I myself benefit the most from my thoughts. many words or reflections, some i never knew i could write, thoughts i forgotten i had, and passion that i forgotten i believe in.

writing, has always been both an output and input for me. an expression of my feelings, a gain to my beliefs. and today, i realised, no matter whether you're 10, 20 or 50 years old. everyone has their thoughts. and you might not know it, your thought may coincide with those even of the 50s.

I always thought wisdom grows along with age, but the older i get, the more i begin to feel that it doesn't work that ways.

i used to think that adults know better, but now i really beginning to doubt that. the more things we know, the more choices and freedom we have, the more difficult it is to keep hold to one simple principle. and maybe, that made things easier for the kids. There were not given much choices, and they did not know much, they did not need to consider much hence they did so much more, achieving so much more, and daring to be so much more.

so, i've decided. Adulting is no fun. yes, i'm forced to, certain things, but when it comes to the thoughts of doing, i'm going to try, to think much less, explain or speak of what i want to do much less, and instead, do more, fail more, and then do even more.

Last week architecture theory, we were talking about how and why the progression of architecture has been slow, and why are there so many experiments being done over the years yet none can be formed. And the reason being, criticism was not taken critically rather, it was taken offensively. If we can look at criticism constructive, and see it as something that not to condemn us, but to improve us or to make us better, and then looking back at our mistake, and the experiment done on where things got wrong, and not restart another whole new experiment, then maybe, over the years, we may be able to finally have a breakthrough. Not starting anew, but brave enough to go back to where we failed, and find out why we fail.

That part, i believe is the synthesis. the reflection process.
and that,
is why, this blog still exist.
because, here is where my thoughts are, my mistakes lays,
where my present became past, that every word formed, helps me in finding my future.

Anything

if you can choose  to do anything, learn any course, be anyone... put aside reality and practicality, if,
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?

when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.

maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.

if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?


i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.

to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.

or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.

or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.

or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about  events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.

or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.


there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,

you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,


i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.

so really,
what am i waiting for?

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

dream come true

have you ever thought,

what if,
all of a sudden,
you got that realization,
that everything you have right now, at this second, this moment,
is all you have ever wished for?

what would that feeling be?
will you be really happy? satisfied? excited? overwhelmed?
i thought i would be.

but in reality,
when it happened to me, before it struck me, i was complaining.

the room of my dreams,
with that peaceful courtyard view, looking out at the autumn leaves,
two huge windows up above, looking into the blue blue skies and fluffy clouds.

the course of my ambition,
with the amazing variety of students and professors,
freedom of all sorts, choices of all kinds.

the travel around the world experiences,
with budget airlines and affordable travels,
to countries i can only dreamed of within hours.

the freedom of the life i've always wanted,
to do anything anytime, to be anywhere.

it is still unbelievable to believe this but
God really answered my prayers,
He gave me all these, all these that i have always wanted,
undeserving as I am, yet He still blessed me with all these.
Not just all these but so much more, more than I can ever dream of.

He gave me friends who love and care,
He gave me sisters that are always there.
The guidance and fellowship that i always craved for,
He gave it all to me.

What more, what more can i ask for?


i should be ashamed to even have the slightest thought of complaining.
God has done so much, so so much for me,
I should be the one doing something,
doing something for him.


Dear God,

Thank you for all that you have given to me, all that I have, I surrender myself and praise you to the end of the earth. How can i ever thank you enough?

In realization of all these, I am immensely grateful.
and for this moment, i just want to pause a moment, and absorb this all, for i do not know, how long more do i have, to own this moment........

Of Solitude or the art of learning to be alone

Of endless long baths with a cup of hot tea in hand,
Of mellow music playing, any kind, any time
Of then the cozy bath robe, tied or not,
who needs pants or clothes, there's no one to look,
Of any food you want, no one to judge or say,
any dishes to clean, now, later or another day,
Of drowning in books, day in, day out, in bed,
Of sketching endless drawings, no words needed to be said,
Of time to pray, time to think, time to sing,
Of dancing anytime, anyhow, with or without music.
Of daydreaming and staring into the sky, smiling,
Of snuggling in bed, breakfast at 4pm in the day,
Of following your heart, and let it take lead,
for a little while, for a few days.....
for there may only be a short moment, one moment, where you are in solitude, really alone.

worth it

I am experiencing something new and really heart overwhelming view every time i go out i felt like i have never really travelled before in my life.


okay. maybe, that moment at the peak of Mount John in New Zealand, but that was a rare moment.
Here, it is almost easy to get that.

and the breathtaking view, in which at that moment, i felt like, all the hardship, the efforts put, the long journey, all the uncertainties, the trouble along the way, the disappointments seem insignificant anymore, because what is important is i am standing here, at this place, staring into this view, at that very moment, absorbing all.


it was all worth it. worth the wait. worth not to settle for less. worth the trouble, worth the dream, worth everything.

Thank you, my dear God :')

Settled

53 days
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.

That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....

today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.

Settled.
was the only word i can think of.

God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way.  Amen.

Feelings

Officially 3 days to go.

luggage packing is a mess.
my feeling is in a mess.
thoughts are everywhere,
gifts everywhere...
yet there is one thing for sure.

It is God who made all these possible.
In d midst of all these rushing here and there, sending and receiving farewell gifts, last minute shoppings, last minute meeting up and all... i thought i should stop a moment to absorb all this, and to thank God for a little.

look unto Him despite of all things, all the mess, all the anticipation, all the hopes and dreams.
just stay still for a little to reflect on all things.

He has made this possible, and its finally happening.

Firstly, he sent a senior there before me. before any of these even begin. Just so this day will arrive where i can have some guidance and reliance.

then, he provided a best buddy to pick up the language. He provided the best teacher i could ever find to teach us, to prepare us, so that we did not just learn the language but the culture, and forming such special bonds.

all those, happened, and i was still clueless of what is to become.

and then, he offered a preposition through my boss. The motivation and opportunity that gave courage. and before all that, he gave the word that says : " Opportunity gives courage", the resolution of taking chances that begin in 2017.

It all came inline now. Connecting the dots.
It was my sister who witness me winning the award back in 2012. It is her who's supporting me to achieve my dream now.

He planned the cell group who gave me a prayer support system, the letting go of my heart on my sister's case, the love for my family, to surrender all things to Him, to taking this step, of finally going to achieve my dream.

God had it all planned. The roommate, the placement, the mail courier, the projects, the closed doors to Australia universities, the rejected scholarship, the relationships formed, the kindness of the consultants, the experienced seniors, the kind colleagues. He had it all planned.

Every step of the way, he was there, and he is still here. i can almost feel Him, sitting next to me, encouraging.

Thank you my Father Lord Jesus.
Thank you God for everything that You have given to me.
Despite all the mistakes that i have done, the rebellious heart, the ignorant mind...
Yet You still choose to bless me with my dream.
Your grace, Your love, is so amazingly great.
Greater than all things in the world,
greater than anyone can ever give.

I thank you Lord with all my heart and all my soul.
and I pray oh Lord, that i'll stay close to You throughout this new phase of life,
that i will not forget Your love, and keep close to Your teaching.
Teach me Dear Lord to hold unto You in all things, to consider You in all ways, and to renew my love to You every day just as You renew our strength.

thank you Lord for this day.
for this i give thanks to Your glory, to your grace, to Your name.
In Jesus name i pray,
Amen

of preparations

what happened to the resolution of writing something everyday? 

life happened, work happened, applications and news happened!

so many things happened since the last post, which leading me to where am i today. lying on bed with a new laptop on lap with a mind full of thoughts and fingers not knowing where to start typing. 

It was supposed to be a next year plan. 

but like what its stated in the bible. You can always plan your ways, but God will determine your steps. 

According to my plan, none of these were supposed to happen this year. i would still be saving till next year, with another year of working experience and more time to figure out where do i really want to go. 

but God's way, always work in ways we never expect, amazing ways, and always far better than what we plan/desire. 

but even at this stage, in the midst of the visa application, i still dare not believe that this is really happening. This is really happening. Let's pray that everything will go smoothly. 

How Good is our Lord?

Again and again, 
He never fail to amaze me 
How good is our Lord? 

 Despite all the mistakes, 
 given and taken away, 
 yet still He is willing to forgive us.
 After all the bad decisions I've made, 
 and just one silent prayer i whispered, 
 He immediately made things happen. 
 you may think He is silent, 
 you may think He didnt care,  
but all He is doing was waiting 

waiting for you to see that He's there. 
Waiting for you to realize His presence, 
 waiting for you to give up the wheel, 
 waiting for you to acknowledge Him 
 and let Him take control. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 Of the many times i have failed Him, 
 of the many times i ignore His call, 
 He was silent in His waiting, 
 waiting for me to let go of it all.

 He knew i will come back to Him, 
 even before i know i would, 
 He had faith in me knowing, 
 even when I lost faith in Him when i shouldnt. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 Of the times when i doubted and complained, 
 He stood there listen to my whining, 
 at the times when i cried and in pain, 
He helped me whenever i call. 

 and when I finally did acknowledge His presence, 
 the moment the heart decides to return, 
 He immediately answer my prayer, 
 as much as i didnt deserve. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 for it is not by our will or by our actions, 
 that we are measured for what we are given,
 It is not by our faith or behaviour,
 that we are given what we own. 

 He gives even when we fail Him, 
 He gives even when we fall, 
 He is our loving Father in heaven, 
 on earth and forevermore.

follow your heart

they like to say,

" Follow your heart"

and it seems like its the right thing to do.

But what if,

it requires you to go against everyone's logical reasoning?
it causes you to break a promise you made earlier?
it leads you onto an endless wait?
it makes you seems irresponsible, impractical, illogical?

do you still follow your heart?

when everyone thinks otherwise, when financial pressure start building up, when people's impression of you changed, when unpleasant words are being said,

do you still follow your heart?

God has a plan for us all, and indeed, His plan is always the best for us.
It is easy to accept if His plan is for us to excel, to achieve success, to gain something. but what if His plan for us is somewhat to fail now for His bigger plan? Do we then can still accept that arrangement with faith?

What if following your heart is what everyone else perceived as something wrong, do you pursue that route?

Having a long history of humankind, this world has form a certain standards they put to measure people, a set of perspective, books of rules to follow. If it requires you to not follow the norm, to set a new perspective, to take the road less taken, brings you on a roller coaster ride and puts you in an uncomfortable situation, do you still follow your heart?

Following your heart then became a really big word, an even bigger challenge, a not so easy phase to go through, but even a bigger reason to hold on to, to follow your heart.

Because, it is only when you allow yourself to try, that it leaves you with no regrets, that in years from now, when you are left with no decisions to make, that you will not wonder, and you wouldn't be left thinking, what if....

what if you just had the courage...

to follow your heart.

ps: i love you

its another movie day! today, it so happened to be ps i love you that got playing the harddrive. This is such a bittersweet movie. Really really sweet, but really really sad at the same time. But its movie like this that always makes me think. and i like movies that make me think. 

some people who never spend time watching movie like this, they're missing out a big time. chick flick and a genuine love story is different. i always like movies from books, because its always those that have the best quotes, those that have the best stories to tell. and this,is one of the best.

usually, i don't like movie with sad ending. and this book, someone dies right from the beginning. thats just sad. but i guess thats the part of it that make it a beautiful story. it shows how beautiful love can be, that despite how much pain it brings when you lost it, it is still worth having it in the first place. 

this sort of remind me of a friend who likes to ask really difficult questions, such as "would you rather lose both hands or both legs?" or " would you prefer to be deaf and to never hear music again, or mute, to never be heard again?" difficult questions like that. and this movie, gave me another difficult question. 

" would i rather have someone to love me and know me like how Jerry know Holly, and then love him so much that the pain of losing him is just so difficult to bear? or would i rather not love at all?"

how do you choose to love a person? maybe you don't even get to choose to love a person, maybe it just happen. whether you want it or not. 

oh, and that part about creating things, where Holly said, her business is to create something, anything, anything that will bring that part of you to show it to the world, that part of you that makes you different from the ordinary people from the world. i think that part is just beautiful. i think that's really something that makes someone so special, that you cant find it on anyone else. 

you know, i've always imagined what would my funeral be like. what would my friends say about me, what kind of a person would my family described me to be... and always from now and then, i will try my very best to be kind, to be helpful, to be special, because i want to be special. i want people to remember me as someone special in their life, someone who did something, someone who changed something. someone who sees something when others didnt, someone who did something when others walked away, someone who loves God, someone who cares, someone who is special. 

i just wish i would remember that everyday, especially on days in the black hole. i hate that black hole. everyone would be so much happier if there isnt such thing as a black hole. but just like Holly, she doesn't always remember what she wants or need in life either. Maybe thats why we need people who loves us to remind us, people who know us to tell us, what makes our eye sparkles, what make us, us. 

i like this movie. its my 3rd time watching it, after reading the book. and it still makes me think and it still makes me cry. i like how movie do this to people. i like how authors do, how they create something so beautiful that make people cry, or think, or learn how to love. i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love. 

ps: i think this soundtrack is gonna go on playing for a while <3 div="">

tired

i need a break.
i miss God. i miss peace.

work is piling up, pressure of the future is closing in, expectations of everyone around is suffocating me. or maybe, its just my own expectation that is suffocating myself.

i never knew how i survived times like these, other than through God's strength.
the amount of work, with the amount of strength i have left, it always seems impossible.
Yet, time after time, God pull me through, and i survived, day by day, each and every time.

why push so far? why try so hard? why be the best? why go through these?
why set so high? why aim so much? why can't let go? and just let it be?
why get things done? why not leave them as it is? why not disappoint others? why not go easy?

why give my all?

what do i want? what do i need? what can i do? why can't i sleep?

loving what you do

its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,

and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them.  its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do. 

my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles. 

i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture. 

no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

sometime

sometimes, 

i just wanna doodle nothing important, paint nothing matters, and think nothing significant

some days just need to be like that.

and somebody just needs to rest.