Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

where are we at right now?

who knew? who could have foreseen? who would have expected, the entire world to be where we are at right now?

some mornings still seem surreal, but it is happening, it is happening right now indeed.

have you ever have thoughts that go through your mind like, how nice if the world can just stop for a second? i did, and it just happened few months ago, when i was attending so many different classes and events daily, getting worn out, and this thought just flew across, if only, if only the world could just stop for a moment. a moment where there are no classes, no events to attend, no socializing, everything could just pause for a second.

and the next thing we know, the world really did stop.
everything stop. classes are cancelled, works are slowed down, even church events are cancelled.

this time, it got me thinking? am i doing what i really want to be doing? or am i doing it just because it is expected of me?

these are the questions to ponder upon....

but through it all, one thing remains. God is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.
He knew. He has foreseen.

that awkward friend

you know how in every movie, or every comedy, there's always that one awkward friend?
and in most of the movie, its actually very quickly or to say, easy to assume that you're always that cool lead actor or that gentle beautiful lead actress, seldom, one relates themselves to that awkward friend.

what if? one day, you woke up with that realization.....

what if all these while, probably since birth, i was and possibly am, that crazily awkward friend?
the one that people don't usually admire, the one that people laugh at? the one that people find amusing?

honestly, i kinda think that i'm that awkward friend you know. My bestfriends have always been the pretty ones, the tall ones, the gentle ones, the artistic ones, the smart ones, the athletic ones, the kind ones, the rich ones, the good at cooking ones....

and suddenly, when i start comparing myself to all of these friends, it seems like i'm a sum of nothing?

and do you believe it? that is always how it all begins.....first you doubt, then you convince yourself that is the way it is, and you start believing it, and then it becomes the truth.

but in truth, and i mean real truth, not the fabricated truth, am i a sum of nothing? is anyone a sum of nothing?

we are often all in this world with a set of measures and scales, use the wrong tools and you can never measure the right thing. if an apple tablet is striving to be light, measure it with a bird's feather, it'll never reach its standard of lightness. if a lemon is really good at being sour, use it as a sweetener and all things just doesn't seem right. so, in truth, everyone has a little bit of awkwardness, some shows it a little more, some hides it a little better. and those in the movie? shows it out a lot. and if these characters don't exist at all in the movie, and everyone is just that perfect beautiful actors and actress? how dull and boring would that movie be? and isn't life the same? there's nothing wrong at all in being awkward, in fact, its kind of a natural ability, its almost like a gift, if you dare to embrace it, and until the day you find your right set of tools to measure, until the day you become the lead actress/actor of your own set movie, dear comrades, let's not lose faith or lost hope in being that awkward friend. because, we all know how important that friend is, and as much as we need them, if no one is willing to be them, how can we have them?

Sometimes i forget

"i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love."

Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.

and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.

and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.


so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.

and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.

and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

know don't i

sees who above He only.

now not me not knows who.
be to it for pray and,
hope still i can then.

forgives He still.
found as guilty,
fall i again yet,

so says above one the till not.
when and where and is what,
figure can see can tell can who,

year jogging the cone the soy the.
greens picking silly those,
memories and thoughts and words those,

question i, think i, wonder i though.
should it, or would it, or will it whether,
moment the, day the, time the, know don't i

a mess

aiyai yai yai yai

it is so obvious.

this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.

My Life is in a mess.

not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.


the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.

arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.

maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....

maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!

why does this blog still exist?

randomly, today, i went on clicking on all the links of bloggers i used to follow, of which i think inspires, and sadly, many of them has moved on. hopefully, just moved on from blogging, and not from what they are doing with their blogging. bakers hopefully still bake, writers still write, and painter still paint.

but why is mine still existing?

firstly, i think blogging has been more of a inspiration to me more than anyone else. I myself benefit the most from my thoughts. many words or reflections, some i never knew i could write, thoughts i forgotten i had, and passion that i forgotten i believe in.

writing, has always been both an output and input for me. an expression of my feelings, a gain to my beliefs. and today, i realised, no matter whether you're 10, 20 or 50 years old. everyone has their thoughts. and you might not know it, your thought may coincide with those even of the 50s.

I always thought wisdom grows along with age, but the older i get, the more i begin to feel that it doesn't work that ways.

i used to think that adults know better, but now i really beginning to doubt that. the more things we know, the more choices and freedom we have, the more difficult it is to keep hold to one simple principle. and maybe, that made things easier for the kids. There were not given much choices, and they did not know much, they did not need to consider much hence they did so much more, achieving so much more, and daring to be so much more.

so, i've decided. Adulting is no fun. yes, i'm forced to, certain things, but when it comes to the thoughts of doing, i'm going to try, to think much less, explain or speak of what i want to do much less, and instead, do more, fail more, and then do even more.

Last week architecture theory, we were talking about how and why the progression of architecture has been slow, and why are there so many experiments being done over the years yet none can be formed. And the reason being, criticism was not taken critically rather, it was taken offensively. If we can look at criticism constructive, and see it as something that not to condemn us, but to improve us or to make us better, and then looking back at our mistake, and the experiment done on where things got wrong, and not restart another whole new experiment, then maybe, over the years, we may be able to finally have a breakthrough. Not starting anew, but brave enough to go back to where we failed, and find out why we fail.

That part, i believe is the synthesis. the reflection process.
and that,
is why, this blog still exist.
because, here is where my thoughts are, my mistakes lays,
where my present became past, that every word formed, helps me in finding my future.

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

of beautiful words that touches your soul

words,
how important are they, 
how impactful can they be, 
it's existence depends on the reader,
it's melody depends on the voice spoken. 

words expresses feelings one hides deeply inside,
words share thoughts that one thought no one knew,
words say of things that someone out there understands,
words know. 

words gives wisdom a solid form,
words strucks realization of truth and reality, 
words can be a game,  a riddle, a messy scribble, 
but still all words say something or have something to say. 

the saying that nothing happened if one does not write it down,
events did not take place if words are not written,
even that saying are formed of words itself, 
look how words are not just words, it is everythingelse. 

even the almighty one changes the world with words, 
His words, written down and passed on  generations to generations,
His words never ceases,  never fail.

words, how beautiful are they. 
it describes the beauty of colours, 
the colours of nature,
the nature of beings, 
the beings of things.

words gives encouragement, 
raising people up,
holding them strong, 
keeping goals close,
finding the lost.

words, how they define,
the meaning of things, 
the values of unseen, 
the culture of nation,
the laws and regulations. 

words, how they can become, 
weapons to pierce, 
hurt that last a lifetime,
causing all that lost, 
from love to tears. 

words, should never be taken lightly.
for one word can mean a million other,
for all words,  matter. 

worth it

I am experiencing something new and really heart overwhelming view every time i go out i felt like i have never really travelled before in my life.


okay. maybe, that moment at the peak of Mount John in New Zealand, but that was a rare moment.
Here, it is almost easy to get that.

and the breathtaking view, in which at that moment, i felt like, all the hardship, the efforts put, the long journey, all the uncertainties, the trouble along the way, the disappointments seem insignificant anymore, because what is important is i am standing here, at this place, staring into this view, at that very moment, absorbing all.


it was all worth it. worth the wait. worth not to settle for less. worth the trouble, worth the dream, worth everything.

Thank you, my dear God :')

Settled

53 days
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.

That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....

today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.

Settled.
was the only word i can think of.

God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way.  Amen.

its not just about not giving up... sometimes, its about not giving in.

today, i learned that as an architect, it is not about giving up or not, but rather whether to give in.

It is often very easy for one to give in to the " what seems like impossible hopeless situation" and change your design, but if you try hard enough, sometimes, you can comply and still keep what you wish to keep.

This is what i learned from my boss today. In fact, only today that i realized that, he has been doing this all these while.

We were working on staircase exit width calculations for the authority submission, and calculations showed that we are lacking of a certain number of staircases. I tried in many ways to achieve, but to be honest, i thought i work all ways...but after seeing what my boss did, i can't say i did anymore. He tried more than all ways, he thought of the right way,left way, up way, down way, side ways, back ways, the compromising way, the sacrificing way, but in all these ways, there are not the cheating ways. Its all the right way...just whether doable or not, and whether how much we are losing.

I did learn a good lesson. If it is definite that we have to lose something, what we are losing and how much are we giving away do make a big big difference. You dont jump straight to giving in everything, which of course be the fastest and easiest way, because it is also the most obvious way.
but, you have to try all ways, even the what seems like impossible way, (from the surface only really) ..because if you look hard enough, there will be ways in no ways.... and those ways, are only people with good eyes or good brains can find. Those ways, will only appear if  you take time and patience and effort! ( do not forget effort) and most importantly, faith. He has faith from the beginning, that it is doable, it is impossible to not comply...unlike me who panicked and stressed out when i can't solve, and actually if i was the one handling, i have already given up. because that day, honestly, i have already texted him if we can sacrifice those retail space. But he didn't let me do that, instead he came back, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, till finally....today, we got it! the number we needed!

oh the revelation of this scenario.

so, note to self,

Dear Melissa,

I know you do not give up easily, but you need to learn to not give in easily too, which is something you tend to do often. Because, in a lot of situations, it doesn't require you to give up to lose, sometimes, when you give in too quickly, you lose so much that it is not much of a difference to losing all.

so next time, try every ways you can, including the way no one has tried, and see from all angles and perspective, because putting your feet down on the least option that you can pick.

conclusion, don't just take the easy way out, take the good way, the right way, the best way.
becauseeeeee........

losing more is closer to losing all while losing less is closer to losing nothing at all.

and i do not mean the competition kind of win or lose, but more of the gain and lose kind of lose. if you get what i mean. oh, that will be if i get what i mean... since this is note to self. lol.

when did you last write

One of my resolution this year is to write something every day.  Be it a short passage,  a reflection of the day,  a quote to remember, lesson learned,  notes to be jotted down or simply conversations that have took place. 

Someone told me once,  that it's not real unless you write it down.  And I want to write something down everyday so that when the year ends, I can reflect on the things and events that happened.  And I have bad memories, I tend to forget a lot of things.  Those things that I remember are the things I have spent time writing it down. and in this life,  there are many things and people that i do not wish to forget. 

Since young, I have always been writing diaries and journals. Those days about being angry after fights and arguments with my siblings,  crushes in highschool, disappointments in college,  happiness and gratefulness in many destination and stages of life. 

Reading back on those posts and feelings never fail to give me revelations in the journey of growing up.

And through the years of writing,  it made me realized that... 

You don't need beautiful words to start writing, 

You don't need a great story to move your pen, 

You don't need to be super sad or super happy to make a page worthy, 

All you need is just an honest feeling.  And then writing as if no one in this world will read it will form the most  genuine words. 

" Es ist nur real, wenn du es niederschreibst"

The story that came with 2015.

The month of January passes so quickly that before i could even embrace the coming of the new year it was already here jumping so quickly to the month of February. only until today that i get to sit down and arrange my thoughts, and this, is going to be a really long one. 

2015 has officially ended! hoorah. It was one of those difficult year, or more accurately emotionally confusing year. All jokes to quarter life crisis. cringing at the thought of it. But at the same time, it is because of these events that made you oh so grateful that you were not alone when all these happen, that there's someone up there, always watching over you, guiding your every step, yes, even when you choose to keep your distance with the one above, you can't hide yourself from Him, because He is all knowing, all powerful and all love. and you are actually grateful that you can never hide from Him, because deep down inside you were actually hoping that He would come looking for you, like a father looking for a lost child.

Episode one: Being Away.

Choosing to have my practical somewhere far away was one of the best decision i've ever made. The fear of knowing nothing and no one in the beginning was indeed intimidating at first, but the experiences that i have gained were just so amazing . So many great people i've met that made me felt so at home even when home was far away. So much i've learn, so much i got to see. It made me understand the freedom of being out there, the joy to meet new people, to have a space for your own, to own the world with no one to limit you. But at the same time, it also made me realize how helpless one can feel when you're so far away and something bad happened back home. No, that feeling isn't the best feeling in the world, it was horrible, and fearfully intimidating in which at that moment, you wish you could hop onto the next plane home just so you can hug them. your family, your close ones, people that you could always trust and will never leave you. even when you're the one who chose to go away. That is the only thing that made me think twice before making another decision to go another place distant. 

Episode two: The Fall.

This was a season of confusing thoughts and emotions all jumbled up. Each day passed by so quickly but slowly at the same time that things got so messed up and you got all messed up. Many wrong decisions were made but there are those right ones that you are more than grateful that those few were the right ones that you made. Its funny how God makes you learn sometime. correction, most of the time. Whether its for the stubborn ones, the weak ones, the tough ones, the caring ones, the kind ones, the adventurous ones, the ambitious ones, anyone... He got his stories to tell. He has His plans all laid out, without you knowing it. And more importantly, there's always something to learn from those mistakes, and given a 2nd chance, certain things you will still choose to go for, and those wrong decisions you made, are possibly the most important mistakes that you're gonna keep in mind, because it has led you to realized, that there are somethings in this world that you will never ever give up or choose to exchange with anything. It is like when you first learn to run.

When you first learn to run, you do not know where your limit is, so you just ran, as fast as you can, enjoying the thrill and breeze while running, until you ran so quickly that you didn't realize you were going downhill, and at that instance where your conscience kick in reminding you to check where you're going, all of the sudden you realized how far ahead the wrong direction you went and you got all panic and that's when you fell. The fight between the inertia that drags you to keep going with the realization that it isn't the destination you would want to arrive to, and then there's also between the temptation to ignore and just enjoy the breeze and also the fear that you'll never find your way home. So in the end, you just lost control and fell down. That is when everything, the view, the scenes, everything that got playing just stop. And you were left seated on that rocky ground, bleeding with your wounds and scratches. In the beginning, the fall was so painful and you were so afraid because you see a big wound on your knees and you think its never going away. And that moment, you realized, how quick you have been running, not knowing that you were losing control of your steering. But after all the crying, you slowly begin to see how far you have detoured from your original route, and that fall had to happen in order to stop you from going further into the wrong direction.

You then begin to be grateful of the fall, that God made you fell, He didn't make you bleed, it came together as a risk when you choose to start running in the first place. and also, He didn't stop me from running in the beginning, because if He did, He wouldn't be God. We would call Him a dictator, a mean ruler, a strict master who never let us try anything, despite how much we wanted to. But no, He was not all that, because He let me went ahead with my adventure, just so i would learn how far I could go, and I would know how fast i could run, just so i would learn how quick i should run. Weeks after the fall, as the wound became a scar, it became the scar to remind you to be extra careful next time. It is important because if it wasn't not there, it will look as if nothing has ever happen, there wasn't any adventure, there wasn't anything. You have not tried and you would not know what could have become and where your limit is. But because that adventure was a necessity, you wasn't left standing there wondering, what if, i had the courage and went for the adventure, would things be different now. But because you did, there were no regrets, it was all a matter of choice. That moment made me realized, every step you take, you were given full right to choose, and no one should be blamed for your decision. Not your parents, not your friends, not even God, but you, yourself have to take full responsibility on it. When you realized this, you know that you have grown, grown to be an adult, even if you're still five feet tall and dress like a kid, there is no way in denying that,  your decisions are yours to make. I know it is always the right choice to choose Him, for He is the only one that I can find comfort in. and even God, gave you the free will to choose.

Episode 3: Support.

These few months were all about having a support system, or being part of the support system.

This equation, of having and giving, has to be in equilibrium, and that, is not that easily achieved.

In the beginning, I thought I was being the support system to a close friend who needed me at that time, but at that same time, i needed a friend as much as she needed me. Days living in the hospital opened my eyes to see that those scenes live out from drama series very much came alive in front of me. The struggle between living and dying, the sick and the healthy, the pain of losing a love ones, the fight to stay alive, the strength to support, and the strength of little ones. I made mental notes to write a post about this, but haven't done it till now. You would think that 6 months of doing nothing would be free and easy, but to tell you the truth, that 6 months were the heaviest, toughest 6 months that I have ever been in. It was emotionally, mentally and physically challenging and tiring. It was exhausting, and i never knew one could be so emotionally exhausted. The days living in the hospital were days of revelations. Who knew such great revelations would come with this simple gesture of volunteering company. 

There, I met a family of 3 boys. The eldest living in the ICU for almost 8 months, while the younger two came visit every single days as the mother live in the community shelter provided for the family members of the ICU patients. The innocent two, i still remember their smile despite all the hardship, their sincere prayers before every meal, their cheeky actions killing a spider. i remember reading to them, feeding them, chasing them around the park. It is definitely not easy being a parent, moreover having a child that is battling with sickness. I still remember when the mother told me that her son told her the other day, that he did not want to live anymore. That sentence, made me teary, just listening to it, I could not imagine how the mother must have felt. But no she couldn't cry infront of him. She has to be the tough one, comforting and encouraging him that this is not the right way to think. She has to motivate him, to persuade him to fight further, when at the same time, the fight was tougher at her side. Financially, emotionally, her responsibilities for her younger ones, there isn't any left for herself. She didn't have time to think for herself. Then, i also realized how important it is to have an other half who can support all the way through. How strong the love of the two have to be to pull through this together. and how important is it to have God in this equation, because how strong can a human be. Without God, how can one have to strength to deal with all these. Simply being a friend, I had it hard, but as a friend, i can choose to just walk away, but how can a mother walk away from her own flesh. She couldn't. 

The second half was about my support system. These few months were my lowest. It was a road to everywhere but also a road to nowhere. It was a blurred path, if a path can even be seen. Everything was possible because nothing was there. There weren't any decisions made, and there weren't any solid options given. It was as if i was doing nothing, but i was doing everything i could. Every free time was passed with guilt because every second was free time. It wasn't free at all, it came with a price. Judgments came, comments were made, words were hurtful and it involves lots of crying. i had my plans, but i didn't know how to make them happen. i tried all ways, to run away from what seem like the worse of my plan, but God knew better. Despite how hard i tried to beat around the bush to avoid it, in the end, God pulled me back to the path that i dread so much to take. But He knew i wouldn't walk onto that path without giving a fight for the things i want, so He didn't stop me. He let me try every way i could find, to jump to dive, to climb to hike. and in His very special way, all circumstances made me willingly choose His path, which happened to be the very path i choose to avoid right from the beginning. The key point was this, everything has to happened, in order for me to WILLINGLY choose that path. And because of all that has happen, i was not complaining when the path came, but happily hopping and skipping into it, right up to now. Can you see how amazing this God is? all the trouble for my free will, all the trouble for my willingness, i was that important to Him. i feel so much love.

Episode 4: Back on track. New track that is.

And finally, the final episode of 2015, obviously needed a happy ending, the finale they called it. After what seemed like a pretty grey year, this was quite unexpected. I found belong in many ways. Career wise, i was given a great boss, understanding one that is willing to teach, caring and kind. He has the right principles but wasn't boastful. He is efficient and quick in many ways even with his steps. and most importantly, he is willing to share. This company is more than everything i was wishing to get. Tasks wise, i got to learn everything i want to learn. Contract, Authority, Design, Site, and construction soon. Community wise, i am happy with all the things i can do during the weekends up north. Who knew a fishing village could give me so much more than just fishes. The wish to have a mentor? i was given more than one. many to be honest, i couldn't be more grateful.

On alternate weeks, I have my happie getaway, where i found my sunrise and sunsets and a good peaceful corner to read. For the bonus, i got involved back in music, and performed in a concert. Finding back that feeling was nostalgic yet joyful. Certain things weren't the same anymore but the connection was there. Everything seems to be going on well. 

All these months flashed back like i was reading someone else'. And then i turn to the last page of the 2015 book and these words were printed;

"And she lives happily ever after"

ps: i love you

its another movie day! today, it so happened to be ps i love you that got playing the harddrive. This is such a bittersweet movie. Really really sweet, but really really sad at the same time. But its movie like this that always makes me think. and i like movies that make me think. 

some people who never spend time watching movie like this, they're missing out a big time. chick flick and a genuine love story is different. i always like movies from books, because its always those that have the best quotes, those that have the best stories to tell. and this,is one of the best.

usually, i don't like movie with sad ending. and this book, someone dies right from the beginning. thats just sad. but i guess thats the part of it that make it a beautiful story. it shows how beautiful love can be, that despite how much pain it brings when you lost it, it is still worth having it in the first place. 

this sort of remind me of a friend who likes to ask really difficult questions, such as "would you rather lose both hands or both legs?" or " would you prefer to be deaf and to never hear music again, or mute, to never be heard again?" difficult questions like that. and this movie, gave me another difficult question. 

" would i rather have someone to love me and know me like how Jerry know Holly, and then love him so much that the pain of losing him is just so difficult to bear? or would i rather not love at all?"

how do you choose to love a person? maybe you don't even get to choose to love a person, maybe it just happen. whether you want it or not. 

oh, and that part about creating things, where Holly said, her business is to create something, anything, anything that will bring that part of you to show it to the world, that part of you that makes you different from the ordinary people from the world. i think that part is just beautiful. i think that's really something that makes someone so special, that you cant find it on anyone else. 

you know, i've always imagined what would my funeral be like. what would my friends say about me, what kind of a person would my family described me to be... and always from now and then, i will try my very best to be kind, to be helpful, to be special, because i want to be special. i want people to remember me as someone special in their life, someone who did something, someone who changed something. someone who sees something when others didnt, someone who did something when others walked away, someone who loves God, someone who cares, someone who is special. 

i just wish i would remember that everyday, especially on days in the black hole. i hate that black hole. everyone would be so much happier if there isnt such thing as a black hole. but just like Holly, she doesn't always remember what she wants or need in life either. Maybe thats why we need people who loves us to remind us, people who know us to tell us, what makes our eye sparkles, what make us, us. 

i like this movie. its my 3rd time watching it, after reading the book. and it still makes me think and it still makes me cry. i like how movie do this to people. i like how authors do, how they create something so beautiful that make people cry, or think, or learn how to love. i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love. 

ps: i think this soundtrack is gonna go on playing for a while <3 div="">

a man

Funny how my friends and I used to have a list of characteristics of our ideal "boyfriend".  Its ironic how those characteristics no longer matter. As we grew older, we got to know ourselves better. Being exposed to a bigger world, and given more responsibilities, we have all grown up.

Its a joy to see how a few of them have found themselves the man. A man whom God has planned and placed in their lives for them.

From them i realised how their lists have changed. how our lists have changed. no longer we fall for that boy with the specs on, or that boy who plays basketball so well. As we grew older, girls turned lady, and boys turned man. It is onli natural that the list changes as we are transformed to who we are today.

we have learned that we dont need the boy with the golden hair. we all need a man.

A man who understands or willing to understand.

A man who loves God and put Him above all things, through him you'll see His love, flowing abundantly with grace.

A man who works passionately on his job.

A man who is willing to work on a job that he doesn't love just to feed the family that he loves.

A man who sees the big picture,  who plans and thinks of the future.

A man who knows the joy of being humble,  who isn't worry about people not knowing he is capable.

A man who supports and encourages, who speak with wisdom and carefulness.

A man who is brave to admit his mistakes, having the courage to apologize.

A man who listens, and is quick to learn, who knows when to give you advice or silence. 

A man who can give an opinion, to set apart the pros and cons, to lead in decisions.

A man who is bold to speak, wise to lead and yet gentle to care and generous to give. 

Among my friends who do not know God, they told me that these kind of men do not exist. Naive and innocent they said, but its faith that I call. I believe, if one truly follows God's words, these qualities will be seen in his way of living.

"But for Adam no suitable helper was found.  So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. "

I believed that God has a plan for us all. Maybe now, maybe later, or even maybe, never, but the plan that God has for us, be it with the one or just us alone, if its God's plan, it will be the best for us.

and for that, His plan for me, whatever or whoever he might be, the man God has prepared for me or the man He has kept away from me. I'll believe.

loving what you do

its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,

and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them.  its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do. 

my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles. 

i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture. 

no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

sometime

sometimes, 

i just wanna doodle nothing important, paint nothing matters, and think nothing significant

some days just need to be like that.

and somebody just needs to rest.

oh feets

oh the joy of moving around places with a backpack and happie feet. i need to survive this depressing stage of assignments and reports to experience that again. i needtohavetogotto. come on!!!! 

inspirations! motivations! happinitiation!