In Loving Memory of Mum on Our Wedding Day

September 16, 2023

today, on this beautiful sunny September day, as we stand at the altar to begin a new chapter in our lives, there is this bittersweet truth, one that cannot be separated from the love nor the joy we feel.

Exactly 100 days ago, on June 8, 2023, our world has changed, as we returned our mother back to God.

Her absence, has since then, an impossible to ignore void in our heart. She was meant to be here, to share our joy, to be the most beautiful mother, offering her warm hospitality to all my close friends, and undoubtedly shedding tears of happiness as we exchanged our vows. But God has his plan of his own, and we find ourselves celebrating amidst the echoes of her memory. 

In the midst of our wedding preparations, her presence was felt in the most unexpected and beautiful ways. In the flowers we chose, in the music that plays, and in the smiles of friends and family who remember her fondly. She is here in the gentle breeze that rustles the leaves, in the sun that bathes us in warmth, and in the love that surrounds us.

Today, we honor her memory not with tears of sorrow but with the joy she would have wanted for us. We remember her for the love she gave us, the wisdom she shared, and the countless sacrifices she made. She was, and always will be, a cherished part of our lives, and though she couldn't be here in person, her spirit is interwoven into the very fabric of this day.

As we exchange our vows and commit to a lifetime of love and partnership, we do so with an understanding that love transcends time and space. Our love is a tribute to the love that she gave us, a love that will endure long after this day has passed.

Today, on September 16, 2023, our wedding day, we celebrate love in all its complexity. We celebrate not just the love between us but the love that we carry in our hearts, passed down through generations. We carry her love, her legacy, and her memory with us as we take this monumental step together.

In loving memory of my dear mother, she is here with us in spirit, watching over us, blessing us, and forever a part of our love story.

Though she couldn't be here to witness this day, her love continues to guide us, and her memory lives on in the love that we share.

With love, on our wedding day, Melissa

Health system in Germany

just turned 33 yesterday, and was trying to reflect if being 33 now is what i expect to be many years ago? 

It is currently my 6th year in Germany, and one thing I have really learned here, which I find it to be really good, is the health awareness. The goverment here has made health insurance a mandatory to every residents of Germany, regardless if you are a student just here for a year or two or a permanent resident. Everyone who is living in Germany is required to pay for health insurance monthly. You are free to choose your own insurance provider, but each will then be given a medical card which allows you meet the doctor. 

The health system is so that, every resident should have a Hausarzt (Family doctor) and a Haus Zahnartz, who are usually be the first ones you go to in case of any discomfort. In the case of further investigation required, the Hausarzt will then transfer you with a Überweisungschein (Transfer certificate) to different specialist. 

Within this two years, I have met with the following doctors/specialist: 

1. Hausarzt = Family Doctor

2. Frauenarzt = Gynaecologist

3. Radiologie =  CT scan Specialist

4. Endokrinologie = Hormon Specialist

5. Schildrüsenarzt = Thyroid Specialist

6. Notfall Arzt (in the case of Ambulance emergency)

7. Neurologie = Neurologist

6. Durchgang Arzt ( in the case of accidents that occur during the journey to and from workplace) 

7. HNO Arzt = Ear Nose Throat Specialist

8. HNO- und Kopf-Hals-Chirurgische Klinik ( Ear Nose Throat Surgeon) 

9. Physiotherapeut  /Krankengymnastik = Physiotherapist  

and just Dentists alone, i have met different ones too

1. normale Zahnarzt = general dentist ( i went for at least 5 different ones before I found this one)

2. Zahnreiniger ( just for professional teeth cleaning)

3. Oralchirurgie = Oral surgeon

4. Mund, Kiefer, Gesichtschirurgie = Oral and maxillofacioal Surgeon ( for removal of wisdom tooth)

There are so many different kinds of doctors that specialises in different areas. 

I am still amazed at how many doctor appointments I have had these two years. X-rays and CT scans. 3D Scans. Its crazy. 

All of them are covered by the health insurance, except for the 3D scan that I had to dug out money to pay for it. 

Well, they say 27 is your peak and after that everything starts to deteoriate. I finally understand the saying. 

 

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

walking away

Some days,  I get really angry... So angry and heartbroken instead of scolding or expressing my anger,  all I want to do is just walk away..  To walk away from all of these nonsense just so they will know or realize what they have done.. But then again, if they didn't listen in the first place,  will walking away helps. 

There are times when I throw tantrums, showing temper,  speak of unkind words..... but those moments,  those hurtful,  heartbreaking ones are the ones that leave me wordless,  too painful to speak,  too at lost to say anything.  At those moments,  I turn to the Bible and flip to find words of wisdom.  And God's words always come through.

This evening I was really angry.  Angry at all the silence admist the wrongs...  Heartbroken at all the wrong doings, even more angry at the all the people who allow these things wrongdoings...  I was angry at the people I love most,  people whom I care most,  so angry that I wish I felt like just writing a long letter and just leave these words to them and go.  Or even worse, maybe I could just walk away without leaving any words...  Maybe then they will slowly reflect on their wrongdoing.  Or will they never know.  There were so many thoughts that went through,  what if I just scream at them of the things that I think just aren't right,  what if I just throw all their things away to express my unhappiness or disapproval,  will it then help?  Will they be sorry for what they are doing?  Or will they be angry at the angry person and felt of injustice. Will they question my behavior, will they understand the source of my anger?  Will they feel my heartache?  Will they even know what's going through in my head?  Or even in my heart? 

And today,  I flipped open the book " A Love Worth Giving", and again God spoken. 

The first sentence, 
Love is not rude. 

See how God speaks? 
Love is not rude.  It is not rude!!! 
Of all the things that I have thought of doing.  None of those are NOT Rude.  All the things that went past my mind are the rudest,  meanest, most horrible way to handle the situation.  How ashamed I should be. 

If God were to do what I thought to do whenever I did something wrong,  where will I be now? 

If God were to scream at me of all my wrongdoings, 
If God were to throw all my things away to express His disapproval of my wrongdoings, 
If God were to list down a long letter of all the wrong things that I have done in the past,  will I then reflect on my wrongs? 
Or worse, 
If God were to walk away from my life,  without even leaving a single word, will I have any idea what I have done wrong?  Will I reflect as they will reflect?
Will I be sorry then as they will be sorry? 

How little am I as a person in comparison to the almighty God.
How rude am I a person in comparison to His actions,
How low as I a human in comparison to His ways,
How ashamed I should be in comparison to His grace?

His love is not rude.  If I have any love in me,  how can I be rude?  If I truly love them as God loves me,  how can I even think of those ways to treat them? 

In the book it says, 
God calls us to a higher, more noble concern.  Not "What are my rights? " but "What is loving? "
Do I have the right to state my disapproval?  Yes,  but is it loving to do so? 
Is it within my right to ignore and not speak to them? Yes,  but is it loving to act this way? 
Is it my right to not do the things that I think they are not doing?  Yes, but will that shows my love to them? 

Common courtesy honors God and his children.  " Do your best to live in peace with everyone" (Roman 12:18). Just do your best.  You can't control their attitude,  but you can manage yours. 

Dear God, 

Thank you for reminding me this in time before I did anything I will regret my entire life for.  Hurtful words spoken cant be retrieved, broken hearts can't be mend. But with You dear Lord,  You made all things seem possible.  Maybe all these happened not to change them,  but to change my perspective, for You have a greater plan.  I know You will not forsake Your children.  If they choose to love you,  You will always always...  be with them.  Sorry for all the tantrums throwing and nonsense thoughts,  but Your grace never fail to teach me lessons, and each time You make me realize,  how much more that I have to learn.  Thank you God for holding me close.  Thank You Lord for showing me grace.  Unworthy as I am. Thank you God. 

In Jesus Name I pray
Amen

never

I never like that word
never
it seems to be so harsh

no word as arrogant as he to be
to be so sure of what to pass

I never like using never
but reality cant deny
as much as we reluctant to
we just cant tell the lie

but having to think of this is it
the very one last night
no longer can I see her smile again
it just doesnt sound right

in christ we believe we can reunite
someday in heaven we'll meet
but that is only if so she did
surrender herself to His feet

dear Lord what if she didnt
it doesnt seem like she did
I just cant use the word never
not now not her not for this

dear Lord dear God I hope You'll forgive
and whatever is it, may she rest in peace

Thanks for everything. Rest in peace, dai guma.

everybody falls sometimes, you just got to find the strength to rise

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

 It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

 Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance (That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

 I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

 its the black hole again, trying so hard to suck you into the vacuum of depression, pulling you away from all the obvious happiness around you, fading the laughter of the people you love, the beautiful sunrise and sunset covered with thick dark gloomy clouds. not in the mood for everything, not up for anything, just want to hide in the covers of your warm blanket, hoping to sleep the stress away. at times like these, you search for something, and hopefully this time round again, a song like this can pull you out.... or should i say, hoping a song like this can pull me out

a time for everything

and He says, 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven;

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil--- this  is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it, God does it so that men will revere him. 

Whatever is has already been, 

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account. 

i thought in my heart.

Ecclesiates 3:1-17

heart pain pain pain pain

:(  this morning, in the office, a very horrible terrible msg came in. :(

"Mel, zai leg got one hole. :( will bring to vet later."

hole???! holeee!! how can a dog's leg possibly have a hole??? how did it happened ?? :(

zai's was limping on monday night but we thought it was normal cause his leg hasn't been good since d last owner sent him to us. although he was limping more unusual than before, we thought tat Sam fought with him over food again. plus he was eating like normal...

then... then.. this morning, reagan checked on him n found d horrible hole.

something worse? reagan said the hole was big enough to fit a marble!! T_T ewwwww :'(

even worse???
the vet says there were lotsa lotsa maggots in it. and a surgery is needed to clean all the maggots.

how can we not know anything at all??? he looked so normal other than that limping leg.
he greeted us when we come home, he ate when we feed. :( i feel so guilty for not bathing him last weekend. i could have notice.

poor zai... my heart is so pain.. poor poor zai. he must hav felt very pain....d maggots eating up his flesh. :(
i'm soooooooo sorrrrrry zai......
how can i not know :'(

dear Lord... please bless zai zai.. :(

if a small wound ends up to this.... how is diki now?? 

dear Lord, please bless diki too 

heal them.