walking away

Some days,  I get really angry... So angry and heartbroken instead of scolding or expressing my anger,  all I want to do is just walk away..  To walk away from all of these nonsense just so they will know or realize what they have done.. But then again, if they didn't listen in the first place,  will walking away helps. 

There are times when I throw tantrums, showing temper,  speak of unkind words..... but those moments,  those hurtful,  heartbreaking ones are the ones that leave me wordless,  too painful to speak,  too at lost to say anything.  At those moments,  I turn to the Bible and flip to find words of wisdom.  And God's words always come through.

This evening I was really angry.  Angry at all the silence admist the wrongs...  Heartbroken at all the wrong doings, even more angry at the all the people who allow these things wrongdoings...  I was angry at the people I love most,  people whom I care most,  so angry that I wish I felt like just writing a long letter and just leave these words to them and go.  Or even worse, maybe I could just walk away without leaving any words...  Maybe then they will slowly reflect on their wrongdoing.  Or will they never know.  There were so many thoughts that went through,  what if I just scream at them of the things that I think just aren't right,  what if I just throw all their things away to express my unhappiness or disapproval,  will it then help?  Will they be sorry for what they are doing?  Or will they be angry at the angry person and felt of injustice. Will they question my behavior, will they understand the source of my anger?  Will they feel my heartache?  Will they even know what's going through in my head?  Or even in my heart? 

And today,  I flipped open the book " A Love Worth Giving", and again God spoken. 

The first sentence, 
Love is not rude. 

See how God speaks? 
Love is not rude.  It is not rude!!! 
Of all the things that I have thought of doing.  None of those are NOT Rude.  All the things that went past my mind are the rudest,  meanest, most horrible way to handle the situation.  How ashamed I should be. 

If God were to do what I thought to do whenever I did something wrong,  where will I be now? 

If God were to scream at me of all my wrongdoings, 
If God were to throw all my things away to express His disapproval of my wrongdoings, 
If God were to list down a long letter of all the wrong things that I have done in the past,  will I then reflect on my wrongs? 
Or worse, 
If God were to walk away from my life,  without even leaving a single word, will I have any idea what I have done wrong?  Will I reflect as they will reflect?
Will I be sorry then as they will be sorry? 

How little am I as a person in comparison to the almighty God.
How rude am I a person in comparison to His actions,
How low as I a human in comparison to His ways,
How ashamed I should be in comparison to His grace?

His love is not rude.  If I have any love in me,  how can I be rude?  If I truly love them as God loves me,  how can I even think of those ways to treat them? 

In the book it says, 
God calls us to a higher, more noble concern.  Not "What are my rights? " but "What is loving? "
Do I have the right to state my disapproval?  Yes,  but is it loving to do so? 
Is it within my right to ignore and not speak to them? Yes,  but is it loving to act this way? 
Is it my right to not do the things that I think they are not doing?  Yes, but will that shows my love to them? 

Common courtesy honors God and his children.  " Do your best to live in peace with everyone" (Roman 12:18). Just do your best.  You can't control their attitude,  but you can manage yours. 

Dear God, 

Thank you for reminding me this in time before I did anything I will regret my entire life for.  Hurtful words spoken cant be retrieved, broken hearts can't be mend. But with You dear Lord,  You made all things seem possible.  Maybe all these happened not to change them,  but to change my perspective, for You have a greater plan.  I know You will not forsake Your children.  If they choose to love you,  You will always always...  be with them.  Sorry for all the tantrums throwing and nonsense thoughts,  but Your grace never fail to teach me lessons, and each time You make me realize,  how much more that I have to learn.  Thank you God for holding me close.  Thank You Lord for showing me grace.  Unworthy as I am. Thank you God. 

In Jesus Name I pray
Amen