He is in control of everything

He counts the stars one and all
He knows how much sand is on the shores
He sees every sparrow that falls
He made the mountains and the seas
He's in control of everything
Of all creatures great and small

And He knows my name
Every step that I take
Every move that I make
Every tear that I cry
He knows my name

When i'm overwhelmed by the pain
and can't see the light of day
i know i'll be just fine
cause He knows my name

i don't know what tomorrow will bring
i can't tell you what's in store
i don't know a lot of things
i don't have all the answers
to the question of my life
but i know in Whom i have believed

and he knows my name
every step that i take
every move that i make
every tear that i cry
He knows my name
when i'm overwhelmed by the pain
and can't see the light of day
i know i'll be just fine
cause He knows my name

He knew who i was when He carried my cross
He knew that i would fail Him but He took the loss

and He knows my name
every step that i take
every move that i make
every tear that i cry
He knows my name
when i'm overwhelmed by the pain
and can't see the light of day
i know i'll be just fine
cause He knows my name

Take the world but give me Jesus

Take my life but give me Jesus
To know You God is why I live
Take the world but give me Jesus
For all my days I'll follow You

through the eyes of faith

God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good
all the time
through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good
all the time

If you're walking through the valley
and there are shadows all around
Do not fear He will guide you
He will keep you safe and sound
Cause He has promised to never leave you
Nor forsake you and His word is true

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time

we are sinners and so unworthy
Still for us He chose to die
filled us with His Holy Spirit
Now we can stand and testify
that His love is everlasting
and His mercies- they will never end

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good, all the time

Though I may not understand
All the plans He left for me
My life is in Your hands
And through the eyes of faith, I can clearly see

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

When You Are Gone

by Yasmin binti Ahmad

But if only God would grant me a piece of His courage,
I might face your absence without dying. 
But if only you would take me with you wherever you go,
I would find home in a million different places.
And I would sweeten you in a million different ways.
Before you are sleepy, I will have already placed a thigh under your falling head.
Before you are hungry,  I am already peeling onions.
When you are angry with me, I shall kiss you.
When you are not, I shall kiss  you twice.
If you should die before me, I shall lie down beside you.
Whisper a joke into your half-listening ear.
Promise the ultimate promise of eternal companionship.
When you are gone, I do not die, 
But I am forever dying. 

If there's a place I can call my own.
a place where the music of all favourites songs play night long as the eyes closes,
a space where paint bursting balloons bursting yet the floor are considered clean with the magical glow.

a place where paint brushes hanging, dangling, canvas everywhere
a place where legs are happily dancing, painting the skies

a place where there are trees around
With a soft pillow ground made of cold grass lawn

a place where theres peace but not loneliness,
a good kind of silence in sight,

a place below the shiny night sky
a place where heads can lay and count the stars up high

and perhaps with a shoulder whose answers never fails to surpise,
of where the city of tiny apples be? where rainbows end? how we can be?

i'll give you 10 random words

ponies
dandelions
plum
present
youth
sun
toe
jigsaw
christmas
you

The story that came with 2015.

The month of January passes so quickly that before i could even embrace the coming of the new year it was already here jumping so quickly to the month of February. only until today that i get to sit down and arrange my thoughts, and this, is going to be a really long one. 

2015 has officially ended! hoorah. It was one of those difficult year, or more accurately emotionally confusing year. All jokes to quarter life crisis. cringing at the thought of it. But at the same time, it is because of these events that made you oh so grateful that you were not alone when all these happen, that there's someone up there, always watching over you, guiding your every step, yes, even when you choose to keep your distance with the one above, you can't hide yourself from Him, because He is all knowing, all powerful and all love. and you are actually grateful that you can never hide from Him, because deep down inside you were actually hoping that He would come looking for you, like a father looking for a lost child.

Episode one: Being Away.

Choosing to have my practical somewhere far away was one of the best decision i've ever made. The fear of knowing nothing and no one in the beginning was indeed intimidating at first, but the experiences that i have gained were just so amazing . So many great people i've met that made me felt so at home even when home was far away. So much i've learn, so much i got to see. It made me understand the freedom of being out there, the joy to meet new people, to have a space for your own, to own the world with no one to limit you. But at the same time, it also made me realize how helpless one can feel when you're so far away and something bad happened back home. No, that feeling isn't the best feeling in the world, it was horrible, and fearfully intimidating in which at that moment, you wish you could hop onto the next plane home just so you can hug them. your family, your close ones, people that you could always trust and will never leave you. even when you're the one who chose to go away. That is the only thing that made me think twice before making another decision to go another place distant. 

Episode two: The Fall.

This was a season of confusing thoughts and emotions all jumbled up. Each day passed by so quickly but slowly at the same time that things got so messed up and you got all messed up. Many wrong decisions were made but there are those right ones that you are more than grateful that those few were the right ones that you made. Its funny how God makes you learn sometime. correction, most of the time. Whether its for the stubborn ones, the weak ones, the tough ones, the caring ones, the kind ones, the adventurous ones, the ambitious ones, anyone... He got his stories to tell. He has His plans all laid out, without you knowing it. And more importantly, there's always something to learn from those mistakes, and given a 2nd chance, certain things you will still choose to go for, and those wrong decisions you made, are possibly the most important mistakes that you're gonna keep in mind, because it has led you to realized, that there are somethings in this world that you will never ever give up or choose to exchange with anything. It is like when you first learn to run.

When you first learn to run, you do not know where your limit is, so you just ran, as fast as you can, enjoying the thrill and breeze while running, until you ran so quickly that you didn't realize you were going downhill, and at that instance where your conscience kick in reminding you to check where you're going, all of the sudden you realized how far ahead the wrong direction you went and you got all panic and that's when you fell. The fight between the inertia that drags you to keep going with the realization that it isn't the destination you would want to arrive to, and then there's also between the temptation to ignore and just enjoy the breeze and also the fear that you'll never find your way home. So in the end, you just lost control and fell down. That is when everything, the view, the scenes, everything that got playing just stop. And you were left seated on that rocky ground, bleeding with your wounds and scratches. In the beginning, the fall was so painful and you were so afraid because you see a big wound on your knees and you think its never going away. And that moment, you realized, how quick you have been running, not knowing that you were losing control of your steering. But after all the crying, you slowly begin to see how far you have detoured from your original route, and that fall had to happen in order to stop you from going further into the wrong direction.

You then begin to be grateful of the fall, that God made you fell, He didn't make you bleed, it came together as a risk when you choose to start running in the first place. and also, He didn't stop me from running in the beginning, because if He did, He wouldn't be God. We would call Him a dictator, a mean ruler, a strict master who never let us try anything, despite how much we wanted to. But no, He was not all that, because He let me went ahead with my adventure, just so i would learn how far I could go, and I would know how fast i could run, just so i would learn how quick i should run. Weeks after the fall, as the wound became a scar, it became the scar to remind you to be extra careful next time. It is important because if it wasn't not there, it will look as if nothing has ever happen, there wasn't any adventure, there wasn't anything. You have not tried and you would not know what could have become and where your limit is. But because that adventure was a necessity, you wasn't left standing there wondering, what if, i had the courage and went for the adventure, would things be different now. But because you did, there were no regrets, it was all a matter of choice. That moment made me realized, every step you take, you were given full right to choose, and no one should be blamed for your decision. Not your parents, not your friends, not even God, but you, yourself have to take full responsibility on it. When you realized this, you know that you have grown, grown to be an adult, even if you're still five feet tall and dress like a kid, there is no way in denying that,  your decisions are yours to make. I know it is always the right choice to choose Him, for He is the only one that I can find comfort in. and even God, gave you the free will to choose.

Episode 3: Support.

These few months were all about having a support system, or being part of the support system.

This equation, of having and giving, has to be in equilibrium, and that, is not that easily achieved.

In the beginning, I thought I was being the support system to a close friend who needed me at that time, but at that same time, i needed a friend as much as she needed me. Days living in the hospital opened my eyes to see that those scenes live out from drama series very much came alive in front of me. The struggle between living and dying, the sick and the healthy, the pain of losing a love ones, the fight to stay alive, the strength to support, and the strength of little ones. I made mental notes to write a post about this, but haven't done it till now. You would think that 6 months of doing nothing would be free and easy, but to tell you the truth, that 6 months were the heaviest, toughest 6 months that I have ever been in. It was emotionally, mentally and physically challenging and tiring. It was exhausting, and i never knew one could be so emotionally exhausted. The days living in the hospital were days of revelations. Who knew such great revelations would come with this simple gesture of volunteering company. 

There, I met a family of 3 boys. The eldest living in the ICU for almost 8 months, while the younger two came visit every single days as the mother live in the community shelter provided for the family members of the ICU patients. The innocent two, i still remember their smile despite all the hardship, their sincere prayers before every meal, their cheeky actions killing a spider. i remember reading to them, feeding them, chasing them around the park. It is definitely not easy being a parent, moreover having a child that is battling with sickness. I still remember when the mother told me that her son told her the other day, that he did not want to live anymore. That sentence, made me teary, just listening to it, I could not imagine how the mother must have felt. But no she couldn't cry infront of him. She has to be the tough one, comforting and encouraging him that this is not the right way to think. She has to motivate him, to persuade him to fight further, when at the same time, the fight was tougher at her side. Financially, emotionally, her responsibilities for her younger ones, there isn't any left for herself. She didn't have time to think for herself. Then, i also realized how important it is to have an other half who can support all the way through. How strong the love of the two have to be to pull through this together. and how important is it to have God in this equation, because how strong can a human be. Without God, how can one have to strength to deal with all these. Simply being a friend, I had it hard, but as a friend, i can choose to just walk away, but how can a mother walk away from her own flesh. She couldn't. 

The second half was about my support system. These few months were my lowest. It was a road to everywhere but also a road to nowhere. It was a blurred path, if a path can even be seen. Everything was possible because nothing was there. There weren't any decisions made, and there weren't any solid options given. It was as if i was doing nothing, but i was doing everything i could. Every free time was passed with guilt because every second was free time. It wasn't free at all, it came with a price. Judgments came, comments were made, words were hurtful and it involves lots of crying. i had my plans, but i didn't know how to make them happen. i tried all ways, to run away from what seem like the worse of my plan, but God knew better. Despite how hard i tried to beat around the bush to avoid it, in the end, God pulled me back to the path that i dread so much to take. But He knew i wouldn't walk onto that path without giving a fight for the things i want, so He didn't stop me. He let me try every way i could find, to jump to dive, to climb to hike. and in His very special way, all circumstances made me willingly choose His path, which happened to be the very path i choose to avoid right from the beginning. The key point was this, everything has to happened, in order for me to WILLINGLY choose that path. And because of all that has happen, i was not complaining when the path came, but happily hopping and skipping into it, right up to now. Can you see how amazing this God is? all the trouble for my free will, all the trouble for my willingness, i was that important to Him. i feel so much love.

Episode 4: Back on track. New track that is.

And finally, the final episode of 2015, obviously needed a happy ending, the finale they called it. After what seemed like a pretty grey year, this was quite unexpected. I found belong in many ways. Career wise, i was given a great boss, understanding one that is willing to teach, caring and kind. He has the right principles but wasn't boastful. He is efficient and quick in many ways even with his steps. and most importantly, he is willing to share. This company is more than everything i was wishing to get. Tasks wise, i got to learn everything i want to learn. Contract, Authority, Design, Site, and construction soon. Community wise, i am happy with all the things i can do during the weekends up north. Who knew a fishing village could give me so much more than just fishes. The wish to have a mentor? i was given more than one. many to be honest, i couldn't be more grateful.

On alternate weeks, I have my happie getaway, where i found my sunrise and sunsets and a good peaceful corner to read. For the bonus, i got involved back in music, and performed in a concert. Finding back that feeling was nostalgic yet joyful. Certain things weren't the same anymore but the connection was there. Everything seems to be going on well. 

All these months flashed back like i was reading someone else'. And then i turn to the last page of the 2015 book and these words were printed;

"And she lives happily ever after"

Us against the world