Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

The Future 2.0

So, the eyes blinked and more than 10 years have passed since The Future 1.0 post was written, which is the very first post i wrote in this blog.

I am not a doctor, not a captain, and definitely not a president of a country. but with the grace of God, i am a Master of Arts in architecture graduate who graduated in the world famous Bauhaus building itself. That's something definitely out of expectation. Really, who knew i will have a chance to even come to Germany, to this little village gem, that so few have heard of, but holds the Bauhaus school back in 1920s, being the icon of Modernity, where so many well known designers. artist, and architects came from. I still remember the first semester of architecture 10 years ago, the very first thing that we heard of is about Bauhaus and its movement. Walter Gropius, Mies Van de Rohe, these names were all so unfamiliar back then, but today, on this very same land, this very same building, this 100th year celebration, i've graduated from my 10th years of architecture studies.

Bauhaus 1931 vs Bauhaus 2019

God is so good to me.
i remember the week when i was about to fly,
my flight was cancelled a few days before. I got so worried and had to search for a flight last minute. but God has other plans in mind. He knew i was afraid to fly alone, so He cancelled my flight so that i could join the other new friends in flying and stepping foot together onto this foreign land. and now, we have all made it together. We survived two years and is about to step foot into a much wider and even more foreign world of the architecture industry in Germany.

First arrival 2017 vs Graduation 2019

Throughout these two years, God is really so close to me. He taught me so many things, led me to so many precious experience, and placed so many beautiful angels around me. 

two years of adventures and God's grace

He gave me a German family, amazingly supportive sisters and brothers in Christ, an international world of studiomates and friends, moments of peace and joy under trees, by still waters, endless great moments, wonderful travels of explorations, overwhelmingly touching experiences of His miracle, and most importantly, He gave me a chance to get to know Him personally. 

It was really an amazing 2 years, and though i have no idea what the future holds, these 10 years were definitely an amazing growth.  and though I can't imagine what the next 10 years will be like, one thing i am certain, that God will be in the picture, and i want to stay close to Him, forever and ever. 

Sometimes i forget

"i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love."

Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.

and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.

and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.


so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.

and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.

and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

Feelings

Officially 3 days to go.

luggage packing is a mess.
my feeling is in a mess.
thoughts are everywhere,
gifts everywhere...
yet there is one thing for sure.

It is God who made all these possible.
In d midst of all these rushing here and there, sending and receiving farewell gifts, last minute shoppings, last minute meeting up and all... i thought i should stop a moment to absorb all this, and to thank God for a little.

look unto Him despite of all things, all the mess, all the anticipation, all the hopes and dreams.
just stay still for a little to reflect on all things.

He has made this possible, and its finally happening.

Firstly, he sent a senior there before me. before any of these even begin. Just so this day will arrive where i can have some guidance and reliance.

then, he provided a best buddy to pick up the language. He provided the best teacher i could ever find to teach us, to prepare us, so that we did not just learn the language but the culture, and forming such special bonds.

all those, happened, and i was still clueless of what is to become.

and then, he offered a preposition through my boss. The motivation and opportunity that gave courage. and before all that, he gave the word that says : " Opportunity gives courage", the resolution of taking chances that begin in 2017.

It all came inline now. Connecting the dots.
It was my sister who witness me winning the award back in 2012. It is her who's supporting me to achieve my dream now.

He planned the cell group who gave me a prayer support system, the letting go of my heart on my sister's case, the love for my family, to surrender all things to Him, to taking this step, of finally going to achieve my dream.

God had it all planned. The roommate, the placement, the mail courier, the projects, the closed doors to Australia universities, the rejected scholarship, the relationships formed, the kindness of the consultants, the experienced seniors, the kind colleagues. He had it all planned.

Every step of the way, he was there, and he is still here. i can almost feel Him, sitting next to me, encouraging.

Thank you my Father Lord Jesus.
Thank you God for everything that You have given to me.
Despite all the mistakes that i have done, the rebellious heart, the ignorant mind...
Yet You still choose to bless me with my dream.
Your grace, Your love, is so amazingly great.
Greater than all things in the world,
greater than anyone can ever give.

I thank you Lord with all my heart and all my soul.
and I pray oh Lord, that i'll stay close to You throughout this new phase of life,
that i will not forget Your love, and keep close to Your teaching.
Teach me Dear Lord to hold unto You in all things, to consider You in all ways, and to renew my love to You every day just as You renew our strength.

thank you Lord for this day.
for this i give thanks to Your glory, to your grace, to Your name.
In Jesus name i pray,
Amen

its not just about not giving up... sometimes, its about not giving in.

today, i learned that as an architect, it is not about giving up or not, but rather whether to give in.

It is often very easy for one to give in to the " what seems like impossible hopeless situation" and change your design, but if you try hard enough, sometimes, you can comply and still keep what you wish to keep.

This is what i learned from my boss today. In fact, only today that i realized that, he has been doing this all these while.

We were working on staircase exit width calculations for the authority submission, and calculations showed that we are lacking of a certain number of staircases. I tried in many ways to achieve, but to be honest, i thought i work all ways...but after seeing what my boss did, i can't say i did anymore. He tried more than all ways, he thought of the right way,left way, up way, down way, side ways, back ways, the compromising way, the sacrificing way, but in all these ways, there are not the cheating ways. Its all the right way...just whether doable or not, and whether how much we are losing.

I did learn a good lesson. If it is definite that we have to lose something, what we are losing and how much are we giving away do make a big big difference. You dont jump straight to giving in everything, which of course be the fastest and easiest way, because it is also the most obvious way.
but, you have to try all ways, even the what seems like impossible way, (from the surface only really) ..because if you look hard enough, there will be ways in no ways.... and those ways, are only people with good eyes or good brains can find. Those ways, will only appear if  you take time and patience and effort! ( do not forget effort) and most importantly, faith. He has faith from the beginning, that it is doable, it is impossible to not comply...unlike me who panicked and stressed out when i can't solve, and actually if i was the one handling, i have already given up. because that day, honestly, i have already texted him if we can sacrifice those retail space. But he didn't let me do that, instead he came back, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, till finally....today, we got it! the number we needed!

oh the revelation of this scenario.

so, note to self,

Dear Melissa,

I know you do not give up easily, but you need to learn to not give in easily too, which is something you tend to do often. Because, in a lot of situations, it doesn't require you to give up to lose, sometimes, when you give in too quickly, you lose so much that it is not much of a difference to losing all.

so next time, try every ways you can, including the way no one has tried, and see from all angles and perspective, because putting your feet down on the least option that you can pick.

conclusion, don't just take the easy way out, take the good way, the right way, the best way.
becauseeeeee........

losing more is closer to losing all while losing less is closer to losing nothing at all.

and i do not mean the competition kind of win or lose, but more of the gain and lose kind of lose. if you get what i mean. oh, that will be if i get what i mean... since this is note to self. lol.

tired

i need a break.
i miss God. i miss peace.

work is piling up, pressure of the future is closing in, expectations of everyone around is suffocating me. or maybe, its just my own expectation that is suffocating myself.

i never knew how i survived times like these, other than through God's strength.
the amount of work, with the amount of strength i have left, it always seems impossible.
Yet, time after time, God pull me through, and i survived, day by day, each and every time.

why push so far? why try so hard? why be the best? why go through these?
why set so high? why aim so much? why can't let go? and just let it be?
why get things done? why not leave them as it is? why not disappoint others? why not go easy?

why give my all?

what do i want? what do i need? what can i do? why can't i sleep?

days away

Initially, as in before i pack my bags and come, i was sort of expecting a boring, no friend, have plenty of alone time to do "self-improvement" kind of life here. Expecting, but unexpectedly, it was only so for the first two days. The colleagues here are kind and friendly. It was quite easy to mix in, as there are a group of them who are humorous and fun and considerate as well. So, every day was really happening even where there aint any activities planned because just the number of people gathered together creates a crowd.

not to forget, the healthy lifestyle here where we're all encouraged to jog in the morning. 6km? no...they talk 10km, 14km, 42km marathon here. so far, i can only run to the waterfront, and even that i need a few stops. but it was fun. i mean, how often do you get to jog with your boss and then let him spend you breakfast and tell you stories from the past like a father. it is indeed quite a unique firm.

as for architecturally, i've never enjoy doing design like this since i left alfa probably. The challenge of finding a solution, creating possibilities, working with a good teammate to brainstorm on ideas, and not to forget to actually be appreciated for the idea proposed. Its simply a great feeling. i like the amount of freedom and trust given to us interns in this firm. love the way they allow us to just go wild and free in design, giving sufficient advice but plenty of room for exploration. well of course, there are also certain boring cad work, but of course, you need to learn technicality in order to make the wild design work. Hence, i'm not complaining.

so, i guess, this runaway was nothing like anything i've expected it to be. God has been great and awesome like He always do, and His plans are definitely greater than anything i can ever hope or dream of. so, i guess, i am in good hands. some alone days to explore? maybe after these batch of interns return to KL by the end of the month. Then probably, i'll have a month to explore. or maybe not.

a dream with courage

to the trees to the greens

to the jungle that they live within

with a little hope and a little dream

and something fun in between

comes the baggage of some goodbyes

or maybe a new bag of Heys and HIs

whatever is it that it may be

its probably gonna be a treat

chasing after the experience one had

from the words that say i would like that

hence i'm going to see if its true

but i have a feeling i'll love it too

a couple of weeks a couple of months

a couple of works that got to be done

its finally the time to venture out

to the trees i've dream about

a leather sketch, a color brush

few books in hand, a cameraman

to live to experience to see to explore

let these days be worthwhile, let these days be more :)

loving what you do

its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,

and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them.  its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do. 

my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles. 

i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture. 

no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

heels that scream hello

dingling rocks and pumpkin dogs,

i'm finally moving on to the next phase of my life. after more than 3 months of swinging around upside down, i finally found a placement in a singapore company. and in Dec, i'll be embarking on my new journey of professional archi works.

the sound of professional scares me a little. just the interview itself took almost an hour. all my works, reports, portfolios, cad drawings, were laid on the table and analysed. as for the portfolio, it was my first time presenting projects to a stranger whom possibly be my superior for the next 6 months. she seems nice and young for a vice precident, though her words are a little direct and straight to the heart. got a few shots but thank God i survived the interview.  i guess thats what makes her who she is, the vice precident at this age. i've seen the efficiency of this company and no doubt, there is a bright glowing possibility in there.

wednesday, tat leaves this week another 4 days. 4 more days, and i'll be dressed in a suit and speak proper language. 4 more days, and i'll be wearing proper shoes and forced to stop my jumping feet. 4 more days, and i'll have to act my age and be an adult. pwwt, not gonna be easy to do that, but i'm still really excited bout it.

and before tat can i just scream....... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ i've finally gotten a job! :D

the sugar honey bee

was looking back at some of the notes i wrote during seminars and lectures. its definitely something i miss alot. have been lazing around the house for quite some time, 1st month was outings all the way, 2nd month was a mixture of travel and dragging, the 3rd month was basically clearing the dragged list... a life of procrastination, not the best feeling in the world. :(

felt so useless and worthless. its like every morning, you find no interest to wake up because, there's nothing to anticipate, and at the end of the day of course, achieve nothing. 

hate being sucked into a black hole like this.

thankfully, today, looking back at all these notes, i finally found something that interest me again. one of my friend came asking me for some ideas on design last night, and suddenly, we were brainstorming for design ideas. 

THAT's the feeling that i missed.

That's the satisfaction that i lost.

that's the thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning, and not willing to go to bed. 

that's the thing that kept me reading for hours and had no time to sleep, eat or even think nonsense. 

i miss design. i miss brainstorming session. i miss using my brain to study something. and those wasted days of doing nothing were nothing but regrets. not gonna let my days go pass like that anymore.

i needa go back to studying mode. even when there's no exams. because really, what i miss is, learning  :)

with colour or without?

sometimes less is more,

sometimes its not.

but what about this time? 

wonder why its pixelated. click in to see clearer. 

a prayer.

oh dear Lord, my fingers are crossed.
i pray i pray and pray pray pray.
very ganjeong.

If this is your plan for me Lord, so be it. if You have better plans, Amen.
I know my future is in Your hands.
All of my hopes and dreams and plans.
where to, send me and i will go.
what to, tell me and i will do.
when to, show me and i will stay.

one thing i've learn throughout these years,
even the silent prayer within the heart, He can hear.

Ctrl + S

1...2...3...4....a total of 4 days after the event, it is still quite difficult to believe that this is happening.

In the morning of the competition, i was jokingly telling all my family members that i'm going to amsterdam, giving them the confident handshakes and the fist on the chest. then off we alfa-ians went with d heys and hahs, teasing each other that we're the one going to amsterdam. until the topics were given and the clock started on screen ticks. picture the mess. poof. 

A WORKSPACE.

- to create an office space for any form of business

- able to portray the image of the business

- functional

- concept : colours, texture, form

- answering the future

that was my given topic. 10 mins past, and i've got nothing. i silently prayed. 

2 hrs passed and our works were left in the hall for judging. from 500 to being shortlisted to 30 then to 9, then suddenly, to present it infront of 500 ppl. totally didn't see that coming. i couldn't even pronounce the word "research" with a "h" in it. everything went by so quickly that when it finally sinks in, i was sitting in a room of reporters. the only thing my brain kept telling me was, i am going to amsterdam. i am going to amsterdam.

n the next thing that came unexpectedly was, i can't go philippines, i can't go philippines

it was totally a mixed feeling. nevertheless, it is indescribable. not only it is my first award, but its also an answer to the questions that i posted to God. none of these would make sense if God wasn't present. everything He planned to happen, in a matter of time, happened for a reason. and on just that day, He answered 3 questions of mine. 

To God be the glory. May the Lord continue to guide in His magnificent way. 

plan B

-taken from tumblr-

and so it rained, but the sun was just hiding behind d clouds

the speakers sound awesome, the magazine looks interesting, and the food taste great. 

did everything just become more awesome or am i just more than happy to still be alive and smiling?

yesterday was definitely one of my longest day in life! tho i dunno how long a day is when u're dead. 

i've learn my lesson to NEVER, never, print last minute, NEVER. even when your presentation starts late in the afternoon.  

my heart totally dropped more than a 100 miles below ground level when the guy phoned me and said my presentation board printing failed. and he had to do it just 30 minutes before the presentation. printing will take an hour. to drive around? woohoo.

but no.

i did not woohoo~ at that time. i just sat infront of my comp like one who just received certificate of her death.  holding 80% of the final. All the nights of rushing would mean nothing. Lecturers will just take that you did nothing. At that moment, i couldn't even cry. i dropped my heart remember? tears wouldn't come when you lose your heart. 

I prayed and prayed so hard for God to save me, and try to believe that God did that for a reason. He wouldn't let me die. God will save me. must have hope must have hope must have hope. But despite my brain keep telling me that, my heart wouldn't return. my brain went from must have hope to i'm not gonna make it; i'm gonna fail this; i can't graduate. my philippines trip is gone. my scholarship is gone. gone. gone. gone.

but then again, i'm still grateful. bcoz its during these desperate moments that you totally stop trying to depend on yourself and just surrender to God.

since the post started with alive and smiling, you probably figured that i finally managed to get it printed out handsomely.
and more awesomely, i gt it wit just half the price in a shop just minutes away from college. now, do you understand why God made that previous printing fail? :) thank you GOD. 

More importantly, i learned that, no matter how much effort you put in, how hard you try, how well you planned, and how much you expect it to be, it all still depend on whether its God's will for you. you're just a weak person who has no idea whats gonna happen the next minute. can you depend on yourself? well, i definitely cant.

next fri. will be the next. let's not let history repeat itself. i'm gonna print on Monday. 

i'll be smiling at the ceiling.

tis

is staring at me from my screen everyday.

and then all of the sudden.

it announce

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

well. d real thing is wed. but my dates move two days faster. 

so yea. 

TOMORROW!

kays. freak out.

erm. i mean, peace out. 

P with the o and sit- i've :D

to believe that we can
haiyak! *kick
it's the only way to survive now!

to be higher than on par

of the bubble night with train and car

came rain came fire came all but stars

its time to shut the heart afar

till the end comes up to meet the bar

let's exchange 10 days for 3 years

its just 10 days, let this 10 days be how it ought to be.

it ought to be how it ought to be.

10 days of hard work.

10 days of full force.

10 days of commitment.

will tell it all.