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1...2...3...4....a total of 4 days after the event, it is still quite difficult to believe that this is happening.

In the morning of the competition, i was jokingly telling all my family members that i'm going to amsterdam, giving them the confident handshakes and the fist on the chest. then off we alfa-ians went with d heys and hahs, teasing each other that we're the one going to amsterdam. until the topics were given and the clock started on screen ticks. picture the mess. poof. 

A WORKSPACE.

- to create an office space for any form of business

- able to portray the image of the business

- functional

- concept : colours, texture, form

- answering the future

that was my given topic. 10 mins past, and i've got nothing. i silently prayed. 

2 hrs passed and our works were left in the hall for judging. from 500 to being shortlisted to 30 then to 9, then suddenly, to present it infront of 500 ppl. totally didn't see that coming. i couldn't even pronounce the word "research" with a "h" in it. everything went by so quickly that when it finally sinks in, i was sitting in a room of reporters. the only thing my brain kept telling me was, i am going to amsterdam. i am going to amsterdam.

n the next thing that came unexpectedly was, i can't go philippines, i can't go philippines

it was totally a mixed feeling. nevertheless, it is indescribable. not only it is my first award, but its also an answer to the questions that i posted to God. none of these would make sense if God wasn't present. everything He planned to happen, in a matter of time, happened for a reason. and on just that day, He answered 3 questions of mine. 

To God be the glory. May the Lord continue to guide in His magnificent way. 

and so it rained, but the sun was just hiding behind d clouds

the speakers sound awesome, the magazine looks interesting, and the food taste great. 

did everything just become more awesome or am i just more than happy to still be alive and smiling?

yesterday was definitely one of my longest day in life! tho i dunno how long a day is when u're dead. 

i've learn my lesson to NEVER, never, print last minute, NEVER. even when your presentation starts late in the afternoon.  

my heart totally dropped more than a 100 miles below ground level when the guy phoned me and said my presentation board printing failed. and he had to do it just 30 minutes before the presentation. printing will take an hour. to drive around? woohoo.

but no.

i did not woohoo~ at that time. i just sat infront of my comp like one who just received certificate of her death.  holding 80% of the final. All the nights of rushing would mean nothing. Lecturers will just take that you did nothing. At that moment, i couldn't even cry. i dropped my heart remember? tears wouldn't come when you lose your heart. 

I prayed and prayed so hard for God to save me, and try to believe that God did that for a reason. He wouldn't let me die. God will save me. must have hope must have hope must have hope. But despite my brain keep telling me that, my heart wouldn't return. my brain went from must have hope to i'm not gonna make it; i'm gonna fail this; i can't graduate. my philippines trip is gone. my scholarship is gone. gone. gone. gone.

but then again, i'm still grateful. bcoz its during these desperate moments that you totally stop trying to depend on yourself and just surrender to God.

since the post started with alive and smiling, you probably figured that i finally managed to get it printed out handsomely.
and more awesomely, i gt it wit just half the price in a shop just minutes away from college. now, do you understand why God made that previous printing fail? :) thank you GOD. 

More importantly, i learned that, no matter how much effort you put in, how hard you try, how well you planned, and how much you expect it to be, it all still depend on whether its God's will for you. you're just a weak person who has no idea whats gonna happen the next minute. can you depend on yourself? well, i definitely cant.

next fri. will be the next. let's not let history repeat itself. i'm gonna print on Monday. 

i'll be smiling at the ceiling.

tis

is staring at me from my screen everyday.

and then all of the sudden.

it announce

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

well. d real thing is wed. but my dates move two days faster. 

so yea. 

TOMORROW!

kays. freak out.

erm. i mean, peace out. 

to be higher than on par

of the bubble night with train and car

came rain came fire came all but stars

its time to shut the heart afar

till the end comes up to meet the bar

let's exchange 10 days for 3 years

its just 10 days, let this 10 days be how it ought to be.

it ought to be how it ought to be.

10 days of hard work.

10 days of full force.

10 days of commitment.

will tell it all.

of the time wasted

don't panic don't panic
of the time wasted, you can blame no one but yourself.
start now. start rushing now.
don't freak out while continue procrastinating.
freak out then start rushing.

its not too late.
its only too late when you can't do anything.
you still can do something aint?
so its not too late.
if you don't want to regret,
if you don't want to freak out further,
if you don't want to give this up,
move on, move forward, act.

don't complain if you aint gonna do anything about it.
don't sigh if  you haven't try.
don't freak out if you're gonna continue lazing.

its not how good you are,
remember?
its how good you want to be.

you're not doing this alone.
God is with you.
With God you can,
stop depending on your own strength and willpower.
you're weak.
face it,
you're just too weak.
don't put God in a box.
Let Him live in you.

remember the panic.
remember how important this is.
see the bigger picture.
remember.

between the black and the white

a black and white presentation

plain black ink 

empty white paper

lecturer's face turned black

student's face went white

n the photo quality is just as horrible

totally 偷偷地 totally 偷偷地

let's do this today! 

不要放弃！要努力！

加油加油加油！ 

let's finish this today.

don't breathe till you finish. 

u have a total of 8 hours.

ready...

 set?  

GO!!!! 

c is the word before 2 pits.

have you ever tried

cooking without knowing what's edible?

writing essay without knowing any alphabets?

dancing without knowing how to stand?

singing without knowing any song?

solving a math question without knowing the formula?

that's how i feel right now.

trying to do this working drawing without knowing how these technical stuff functions. 

trying so hard to design something but restricted by the limited construction methods i know :(

not a good feeling. i feel stupid. so stupid. 

ma.... the door push me..

roof. 

as i quoted, 

an object more difficult than woman. 

which, 

as man quoted, 

the most complicated object on earth. 

roof. 

so so important. 

sits right up above. 

yet after installing, 

its design seems so insignificant.

 but do u noe noe noe, 

how much efforts it takes, 

to make that roof looks nothing, 

to make it invisible. 

 because it only means it fits well, 

and it does not look weird, 

it blends in just right, 

that u don't notice it's above. 

 so how now?  

now how how? 

 how now now?

 babababababababahhhhhhhh 

 that's a question, 

everyone is asking.

erm, lets hang out. later. like 8 weeks later.

tada~~ 3d model in the making. 

let's do it do it~ 

keep the good aura up high~ 

where are my other classmates?

so, that closed group for our class was set up mainly to discuss about things we do not want to discuss face2face, erm. like very stress things. 

but little did they know that, the main aim is to actually stress them out when i'm stress.... bahahahaha. and here am i typing as if they are not gonna read this post. hee hee hee.. i'm just kidding...hehehe...

or am i?? *evil grin*

anyway, usually, people gets more motivated when there is a reward to be given. i dunno how tat works, but somehow it just work. so. i hereby, challenge the owner of this blog, erm. to survive.

and that if she one day survives, July,

she will be rewarded, erm....

er.....

hmm....

mmm....

...

wat???!

a very happie sushi meal?

okie?

with parfeit?

deal. 

and i have no idea how stress can make someone so randomly silly. heh.

pfft. 

stress. 

the bottom that has no bottom

ding dong ding dong ding ding dong

So, it started with last semester from how a group of us worked together to analyse on an urban site in KL, taking the strengths and weakness, to come up with a new masterplan for that area. Together, we proposed a number of new buildings to be built there. So, in this semester, each of us took one of the buildings proposed as  our final project.

and i picked. horses. and autisme.
basically, its a building, that functions as an autisme centre, collaborating with therapy using horses.

horses. i've always wanted to know more bout horses. somehow, i think its the most beautiful animal in this whole wide world. size and proportion, spirit and character.

autisme. its something so near yet so far. so deep yet so direct.
take note:  autistic people are not mentally retarted, they are just people who struggle a bit harder than the others in their feelings and emotions.
and its always very inspiring to see what they can do.

the design. supposed to be a place where both can be comfortable in. to understand and guide. to give spaces and to comfort.

EquinoTherapia lalala

its supposed to be all inspiring, motivating, satisfying and overwhelming.
and now i am overwhelmed... with stress.

its so frustrating when u happily go find a lecturer and ask for his opinion, and then his comments just beats you down again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

first lecturer comments, u take in the comment happily,
2nd one comments, u edit and solve the problem.
the 3rd one came, and u edit and edit and edit and edit and edit.


and it just kept comin and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming...
and anyone in this course will know that a design process NEVER really ends.
but when to put a stop to it, is so difficult to define.
when, WHEN, do you stop taking advices?
and proceed with what you have.

when??


seriously. horse poop. horse poop?!! seriously! which part of it looks like horse poop! :(

you know what you want. you just forgotten what it was.

rethink

why did you choose this for final in the first place?
why horses?
why autisme?
why kids?

don't you know that its gonna be tough?
one focus is tough enough. what makes you think two is gonna be any easier?

if you have the chance to choose again.....
back to the option,
hotel and this therapy centre,
which will you choose?

why did you choose this in the first place?
what were you expecting to achieve?
what initial idea of an environment you plan to create?
what's the goal for this design?
what do you want to do for them?
for the horses, and for the kids?
what?

think, and think again....
you already have all the answers don't you?

not this black hole! NO!!

okay!
i'm gonna give up
this is so hard
i'm frustrated
i feel so bad
i fall very easily
this stupid crappy damnit design
is so demotivating
this is so shitty
so crappy
so horrible and ugly and not right!
nothing is right!!
im gonna fail
i can't do this anymore :'(
maybe i should just give up!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


but what can i do if i give up?
cannot give up!! i musn't give up!! i can't afford to give up !!!!
melissa chong. stop thinking. stop analyzing. just do it! pls. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
barhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

we don't go shit! damn! crap! , we go come on, let's go, lets rock it!!!

define labour day:
labour : work
equals to working day.

hence, you don't go out, you work.

after what seemed like the longest day yesterday, today is the only chance to catch up with the others.
being pointed to name as one of the person who has the slowest progress, doesn't feel nice. :(
being sick is not an excuse. running away from stress doesn't solve the problem.

tomorrow design class, is the day to redeem myself.

i won't waste this day.
i am gonna work this out.
not gonna give up.
not gonna feel bad and pity for myself.
simply saying doesn't get things going and doing nothing won't change any fact.


sacrificing an outing with family and making today a 'home alone' day is the first step.
to not fall into temptation is the 2nd.
now, its up to God and me


bring it on! with God's help, i'm not gonna fall that easily. jia you jia you jia you!!!!!
dear God, let's do this!!

if you don't do it now

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

designing is the most inspiring yet most frustrating
                       most motivating yet most discouraging
                       most captivating yet most nerve-wrecking
                       most satisfying yet most condemning
process!!!

it is so easy to picture that perfect and overwhelming building in your mind,
only to be disappointed and depressed to realize that its so so so difficult to put it down in paper with sketches, words and structures.

not to forget, to meet the requirements, to solve the non compromising space planning, the restricting site planning, the  troublesome services, the complicated structures, without sacrificing what you love to have in the design. and it seems so impossible.

where to get that positive vibe, when every morning you wake up just to be told that this won't work.
where to get that fun energy, when you don't have that designated place to keep your momentum moving.
where to get that ambitious confidence, when you don't believe you have the capability to create the expected result.

you dream your painting, then you paint your dream.
if only it's literally that simple.

say it again for me~

so.... 3 months time is almost up. One final week to go. to be more exact, 5 days to go.

this 3 months have been awesome. ask the "me" from last year and she would probably say that i've done nothing. but the me now says the "things" are not defined plainly by work or how many ticks on the to do list, but the "things" are actually things that really matter. at least to me.

somehow i think God has His own plan on how i am to spend my days. As usual, my plan didn't work, since i did not accomplish half the things i wanna do. But honestly, no regrets! God's plan is always always always better! no no no, always always always the BEST. :D

i may not have build that dog house, but God gave me more than a dog house.
Being home alone the past 3 months makes me appreciate the chong chongs time more than ever. i loveeee tonight!

thank God for every blessed day and every person that He has purposefully placed in my days. Of the days planned and the days unplanned. when you learn to be contented, you learn that never a day is wasted! and i really wanna learn that again and again and again and again! :D

annie waist, as this week wraps with one final outing of the month, April shall start with a ball of fire, speed of lightning, bright as the sun, chill as the waterfall, happier than happy tree friends, sing like a singing bird, positive than a +ve ion attitude and together we CAN achieve great things that God has installed for us.

HA!    HA!    HA! 

with 3 big and loud laugh, may the next semester be an aweeeesomer than awesome one to set a final perfect wrap for our final.  With God, we can and we will! AMEN!

goodbye for a few months my dearest lepak friends. i will be back!

let's not see the result, let's feel it with a big big smile~

this semester, we did more than necessary. we did our best. we set up spotlights, prepared refreshments, made brochures, and turned our studio into an exhibition space instead of just the usual pin on wall and present thing. was it just for that 20% of marks that the final assessment can give? we definitely gained more than that. Though it seems like its too much of extra work to do, see how happie everyone turned out to be in the end :) it was definitely definitely worth it!! 

and u know how i always complain about group projects? the frustration that group projects give can be ao unbearable when everyone is unhappy with everyone; but when everyone work together happily towards one goal, singing and screaming like annoyingly noisy smurfs, just like the final 3 hours on the day before assessment, the joy and result of it beats what one can do alone! i love it when everyone is happie ^^

we learn to do what's more than necessary and be amazed by the outcome of it :)

its not always about the pointer or marks. its d satisfaction on the result of your combined hardwork and efforts.
Thank you God
group hug!!!

i throw u into d bucket and punch punch punch

oh noes oh noes :( 

class cancellation again!!!

next week exam is so six feet under x_X

liking these days :)

again and again and again and again.

this extreme feeling of contentment. 

After d final internal presentation on friday, everything was done. What's left are paper exams and to repeat the presentation during the final assessment. Minor touching ups are whats' left to be done.
i'm so glad everything is done! and it ended perfectly! :) okay, mayb not perfect, coz ntg is perfect, bt seriously, i love God so much!! He always always blessed me! and what He promised came through, He said that all ur effort and hardwork WILL pay off! and it did! it did!!! it is during these moments that the extreme satisfaction came about and all tiredness and all d 委屈-ness and all d injustice just fade far far away.

so many times throughout the semester tat i struggled in group project. trying hard to cooperate, trying hard to compromise and trying even harder to focus on the good in people and not the faults of them. learning to forgive despite all things, learning to focus on the solution instead of indulging in the problem. finding ways to solve instead of people to blame. and i will not deny, it was absolutely super duper extremely DIFFICULT! The days when my patience were put to test, the days when i struggled to hold it together. mayb it was also because i was full of pride. tat i know is my biggest weakness. different people work at different pace, and most of the time i tend to get stressed up as i am one who prefer to get everything planned out in advance just to make sure everything will go right. and perhaps at those time, i tried to be in control and make things my way. so when things didn't go as i planned, i got even more stressed up.

those are the times when i failed and felt angry. those are the times when i gave up and cried. But what kept me going strong was God's word. In times when i felt weak and felt that i wouldn't be able to control my emotion, i brought God's word with me to class. and reading God's word really taught me how to look things at different perspective. to have a bigger heart and to learn to forgive. to not judge others while ignoring the plank in my own eyes. God walked with me throughout the semester. He was there, and His presence was strong.

He pushed me to do things i would never been able to accomplish alone. He insisted on planning cf activities despite the small number of people attending and the busy with assignments schedule. Every single meeting was a blessing. It may not be on the number, but it was ther to make that few of us grow, to make me grow. Many times, when we tried to plan things on our own, we get stressed and disappointed. But when we surrendered to God and just pray and let things be, He surprises us with the most unexpected and the awesomest plan ever! oh. How great is our Lord!!!

and now that even December is here. there is just one thing that i'm still waiting for. God has promised a million times on that and i shall no longer doubt. So be it what God plans may be, i surrender my all to Him. :)

architecture, may give the satisfaction that i dream and desire if enough effort was put into it.
but God's plan gives the contentment and greatness that i can never dream nor desire. It was given as a gift for me. without me having to do anything.

thank you God. thank you. i'm liking these days. many prayers that i once prayed long long time ago are now answered one after another. i once wondered if God's answer is Yes, No or Wait. so, now that it is happening, is God's answer wait? :) wait i shall. for You Lord.

blessed ^^ teehee... heehehehe ..heeehee