Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

Be Strong and Courageous

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

" Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:5-9

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

a mess

aiyai yai yai yai

it is so obvious.

this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.

My Life is in a mess.

not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.


the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.

arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.

maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....

maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!

Anything

if you can choose  to do anything, learn any course, be anyone... put aside reality and practicality, if,
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?

when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.

maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.

if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?


i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.

to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.

or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.

or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.

or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about  events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.

or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.


there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,

you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,


i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.

so really,
what am i waiting for?

what have i gotten myself into?

it just dawned on me today, during Architecture theory class that i'm actually in a Master course. An actual, freaking, no kidding MASTER IN ARCHITECTURE. like for real. for i can remember, i was just in kindergarten a while ago, how did i get here? and, what are these words?

" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......



whaaaaaaaaat?

conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?

it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.

wow.

then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.

honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.

reality sinks in.

I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.

no kidding.

back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.

what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?

i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.

breathe....

now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.

so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?

and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.

and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.

dream come true

have you ever thought,

what if,
all of a sudden,
you got that realization,
that everything you have right now, at this second, this moment,
is all you have ever wished for?

what would that feeling be?
will you be really happy? satisfied? excited? overwhelmed?
i thought i would be.

but in reality,
when it happened to me, before it struck me, i was complaining.

the room of my dreams,
with that peaceful courtyard view, looking out at the autumn leaves,
two huge windows up above, looking into the blue blue skies and fluffy clouds.

the course of my ambition,
with the amazing variety of students and professors,
freedom of all sorts, choices of all kinds.

the travel around the world experiences,
with budget airlines and affordable travels,
to countries i can only dreamed of within hours.

the freedom of the life i've always wanted,
to do anything anytime, to be anywhere.

it is still unbelievable to believe this but
God really answered my prayers,
He gave me all these, all these that i have always wanted,
undeserving as I am, yet He still blessed me with all these.
Not just all these but so much more, more than I can ever dream of.

He gave me friends who love and care,
He gave me sisters that are always there.
The guidance and fellowship that i always craved for,
He gave it all to me.

What more, what more can i ask for?


i should be ashamed to even have the slightest thought of complaining.
God has done so much, so so much for me,
I should be the one doing something,
doing something for him.


Dear God,

Thank you for all that you have given to me, all that I have, I surrender myself and praise you to the end of the earth. How can i ever thank you enough?

In realization of all these, I am immensely grateful.
and for this moment, i just want to pause a moment, and absorb this all, for i do not know, how long more do i have, to own this moment........

worth it

I am experiencing something new and really heart overwhelming view every time i go out i felt like i have never really travelled before in my life.


okay. maybe, that moment at the peak of Mount John in New Zealand, but that was a rare moment.
Here, it is almost easy to get that.

and the breathtaking view, in which at that moment, i felt like, all the hardship, the efforts put, the long journey, all the uncertainties, the trouble along the way, the disappointments seem insignificant anymore, because what is important is i am standing here, at this place, staring into this view, at that very moment, absorbing all.


it was all worth it. worth the wait. worth not to settle for less. worth the trouble, worth the dream, worth everything.

Thank you, my dear God :')

its not just about not giving up... sometimes, its about not giving in.

today, i learned that as an architect, it is not about giving up or not, but rather whether to give in.

It is often very easy for one to give in to the " what seems like impossible hopeless situation" and change your design, but if you try hard enough, sometimes, you can comply and still keep what you wish to keep.

This is what i learned from my boss today. In fact, only today that i realized that, he has been doing this all these while.

We were working on staircase exit width calculations for the authority submission, and calculations showed that we are lacking of a certain number of staircases. I tried in many ways to achieve, but to be honest, i thought i work all ways...but after seeing what my boss did, i can't say i did anymore. He tried more than all ways, he thought of the right way,left way, up way, down way, side ways, back ways, the compromising way, the sacrificing way, but in all these ways, there are not the cheating ways. Its all the right way...just whether doable or not, and whether how much we are losing.

I did learn a good lesson. If it is definite that we have to lose something, what we are losing and how much are we giving away do make a big big difference. You dont jump straight to giving in everything, which of course be the fastest and easiest way, because it is also the most obvious way.
but, you have to try all ways, even the what seems like impossible way, (from the surface only really) ..because if you look hard enough, there will be ways in no ways.... and those ways, are only people with good eyes or good brains can find. Those ways, will only appear if  you take time and patience and effort! ( do not forget effort) and most importantly, faith. He has faith from the beginning, that it is doable, it is impossible to not comply...unlike me who panicked and stressed out when i can't solve, and actually if i was the one handling, i have already given up. because that day, honestly, i have already texted him if we can sacrifice those retail space. But he didn't let me do that, instead he came back, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, till finally....today, we got it! the number we needed!

oh the revelation of this scenario.

so, note to self,

Dear Melissa,

I know you do not give up easily, but you need to learn to not give in easily too, which is something you tend to do often. Because, in a lot of situations, it doesn't require you to give up to lose, sometimes, when you give in too quickly, you lose so much that it is not much of a difference to losing all.

so next time, try every ways you can, including the way no one has tried, and see from all angles and perspective, because putting your feet down on the least option that you can pick.

conclusion, don't just take the easy way out, take the good way, the right way, the best way.
becauseeeeee........

losing more is closer to losing all while losing less is closer to losing nothing at all.

and i do not mean the competition kind of win or lose, but more of the gain and lose kind of lose. if you get what i mean. oh, that will be if i get what i mean... since this is note to self. lol.

Lord I Need You

Lord i come, i confess
bowing here i find my rest
without you, i fall apart
you're the one that guides my heart

Lord i need you, oh i need you
every hour i need you
my one defense my righteousness
oh God i need you

Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
where grace is found
is where you are
where you are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my songs to rise to you
when temptation comes my way
when i cannot stand i'll fall on you
Jesus You're hope and stay

How Good is our Lord?

Again and again, 
He never fail to amaze me 
How good is our Lord? 

 Despite all the mistakes, 
 given and taken away, 
 yet still He is willing to forgive us.
 After all the bad decisions I've made, 
 and just one silent prayer i whispered, 
 He immediately made things happen. 
 you may think He is silent, 
 you may think He didnt care,  
but all He is doing was waiting 

waiting for you to see that He's there. 
Waiting for you to realize His presence, 
 waiting for you to give up the wheel, 
 waiting for you to acknowledge Him 
 and let Him take control. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 Of the many times i have failed Him, 
 of the many times i ignore His call, 
 He was silent in His waiting, 
 waiting for me to let go of it all.

 He knew i will come back to Him, 
 even before i know i would, 
 He had faith in me knowing, 
 even when I lost faith in Him when i shouldnt. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 Of the times when i doubted and complained, 
 He stood there listen to my whining, 
 at the times when i cried and in pain, 
He helped me whenever i call. 

 and when I finally did acknowledge His presence, 
 the moment the heart decides to return, 
 He immediately answer my prayer, 
 as much as i didnt deserve. 

 How Good is our Lord? 
 for it is not by our will or by our actions, 
 that we are measured for what we are given,
 It is not by our faith or behaviour,
 that we are given what we own. 

 He gives even when we fail Him, 
 He gives even when we fall, 
 He is our loving Father in heaven, 
 on earth and forevermore.

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

follow your heart

they like to say,

" Follow your heart"

and it seems like its the right thing to do.

But what if,

it requires you to go against everyone's logical reasoning?
it causes you to break a promise you made earlier?
it leads you onto an endless wait?
it makes you seems irresponsible, impractical, illogical?

do you still follow your heart?

when everyone thinks otherwise, when financial pressure start building up, when people's impression of you changed, when unpleasant words are being said,

do you still follow your heart?

God has a plan for us all, and indeed, His plan is always the best for us.
It is easy to accept if His plan is for us to excel, to achieve success, to gain something. but what if His plan for us is somewhat to fail now for His bigger plan? Do we then can still accept that arrangement with faith?

What if following your heart is what everyone else perceived as something wrong, do you pursue that route?

Having a long history of humankind, this world has form a certain standards they put to measure people, a set of perspective, books of rules to follow. If it requires you to not follow the norm, to set a new perspective, to take the road less taken, brings you on a roller coaster ride and puts you in an uncomfortable situation, do you still follow your heart?

Following your heart then became a really big word, an even bigger challenge, a not so easy phase to go through, but even a bigger reason to hold on to, to follow your heart.

Because, it is only when you allow yourself to try, that it leaves you with no regrets, that in years from now, when you are left with no decisions to make, that you will not wonder, and you wouldn't be left thinking, what if....

what if you just had the courage...

to follow your heart.

going offline

it wasnt easy, bt its actually working.

social media and networking have been consuming much of the time quietly. i recently realized days can pass by easily with phone and internet. and it has been helping me in procrastinating my applications and portfolios. 

few days ago, d thought just suddenly came. to deactivate and delete everything from my phone. the second i deleted it, i found myself having nothing to do. no more fb to scroll, no more instagram to like, no more whatsapp msgs to reply, ive got nothing. whats left in d phone is only bible and a few productive apps. i found myself having no more distractions.

the process of choosing what to delete itself wasnt easy. to think of who r people i needed to inform regarding work required some effort. but it was all worth it. 

the last few days have been, more productive and fruitful. ive read more, ive think more, ive written more and im progressing somewhere, at least having a little hint on what i want/ can have for my future. 

thats when i realized, how much time have been wasted in social media. it wasnt all bad in it, but too large amount of time have been spent on it. it has become a habit to be constantly unlocking my phone just to check if theres a new notification, or a new incoming msg. bad bad.

the night after deleting it, i lie on bed and has no reason to hold onto to my phone before i sleep. no longer anything to scroll, my hand is finally willing to reach for solid books. 

the first thought was this is only for a week, a week free from everything else to really focus on prayer and God's word to find out which way to take for my future. but then again, im beginning to like the feeling of not being attached to the world, the feeling of not being attached to my phone. 

it is working. 

“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.”

 ― Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

letting words out

to the one who loves the outdoor, to the one who needs no car,
to the one who sing with the birds and fall asleep below the stars,
you'll tell me you love nature, sunset and sunrise just as much
no fear of the wild jungle, no mud you would not touch.

seeking no proof of truth, your eyes being your only clue,
no google needed to find, intuitions are your rules,
windows can be the pallet, feathers being the tool,
with trees and leaves falling, no problems for you too cruel.

staying away from the people but still you can feel,
pulling away from the world but clear you can see still,
no news announcements of things done, yet willing are you to do,
no judgement forcing trends, just plainly genuinely wants to.

curly fringe, knee length shorts, wind that blows right through,
by the waterfall, water splashed, rock and pebbles flew,
the call of a name, singing aloud, echoing round and round
barefoot on earth, warm feet cold town, with our hearts tied to the ground.

if i'm far from my dreams, here in my life, how should i expect to see,
if i'm at a place where i don't belong, how near could you have been,
unless i go all out, go far out, go chase the free flow cloud,
jump right into my dreams, just be brave, just be loud.

everybody falls sometimes, you just got to find the strength to rise

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

 It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

 Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance (That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

 I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

 its the black hole again, trying so hard to suck you into the vacuum of depression, pulling you away from all the obvious happiness around you, fading the laughter of the people you love, the beautiful sunrise and sunset covered with thick dark gloomy clouds. not in the mood for everything, not up for anything, just want to hide in the covers of your warm blanket, hoping to sleep the stress away. at times like these, you search for something, and hopefully this time round again, a song like this can pull you out.... or should i say, hoping a song like this can pull me out

loving what you do

its April, and i'm a happie person.
Despite all the workload and pressure from uni, im happie at where i am right now. They say,

and i'm nodding to that. There are some of my coursemates who find it a struggle to be doing all the assignments and to handle the workload, that sometimes when they focus too much on the work itself, they forgot to enjoy what they're doing, and why they are doing what they are doing. Saying so, im not a better individual, and no, i don't manage my time better than any of them.  its just sometimes, its sad to see them wasting away in work and not having fun while doing it. because, really, whats the point of trying so hard and doing all these, if you're just doing for the sake of doing. i just wish they share the joy i have while learning. I find joy in learning making things easier and bearable. Everyone says architecture is not a course for human, i definitely agree. Sleepless nights, neverending submissions, infinity considerations and tons of problem solving, does this make us a better individual? nah.. i think every job has their difficulties and struggles. architecture students are no different from other students. but what i cant deny is, you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do. 

my siblings always asked me, wondering how can i stay up all week, work non stop, eat sleep and live infront of my work for months during peak season. it all comes back to this statement. i often smile and continue doing. no, staying up is not easy for me, no... eating and sleeping in the living room for weeks is not enjoyable for me, but given me 10 chances to do it over and over again, i will still make the same choices. there are times i hyperventilate as the datelines approaches, there are times when i cried as i'm buried in all the submission dates lining up so close to each other, those are the times when im grateful i have an awesome family, and awesome battlemates, a group of supporting friends, and an AMAZING God. because, they are always being there reminding me, why i'm doing these, and why i'm putting myself through all these struggles. 

i realized, i' never really admitted that i love architecture. that is because i wasn't sure if i really love architecture or i just want to do it just because i thought i want to. But today, the reason i type this post, its because i can finally admit and tell myself, i really love doing architecture. 

no, im still not into beautiful buildings or constructions. no, i'm still not into the money or the fame from architecture. What i really love about architecture is this,

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

reasons to keep you going :)

one of my friend said, i guess life is like this. shitty things happen...

and yea..i guess.. shitty things do happen..... but, you just got to find reasons to keep you going..
finding your purpose in life, your motivation to move forward, your strength to wake up each morning and your reason to smile again...

i just got to keep reminding myself what's mine :')
jia you jia you jia you!

oh feets

oh the joy of moving around places with a backpack and happie feet. i need to survive this depressing stage of assignments and reports to experience that again. i needtohavetogotto. come on!!!! 

inspirations! motivations! happinitiation!