In Loving Memory of Mum on Our Wedding Day

September 16, 2023

today, on this beautiful sunny September day, as we stand at the altar to begin a new chapter in our lives, there is this bittersweet truth, one that cannot be separated from the love nor the joy we feel.

Exactly 100 days ago, on June 8, 2023, our world has changed, as we returned our mother back to God.

Her absence, has since then, an impossible to ignore void in our heart. She was meant to be here, to share our joy, to be the most beautiful mother, offering her warm hospitality to all my close friends, and undoubtedly shedding tears of happiness as we exchanged our vows. But God has his plan of his own, and we find ourselves celebrating amidst the echoes of her memory. 

In the midst of our wedding preparations, her presence was felt in the most unexpected and beautiful ways. In the flowers we chose, in the music that plays, and in the smiles of friends and family who remember her fondly. She is here in the gentle breeze that rustles the leaves, in the sun that bathes us in warmth, and in the love that surrounds us.

Today, we honor her memory not with tears of sorrow but with the joy she would have wanted for us. We remember her for the love she gave us, the wisdom she shared, and the countless sacrifices she made. She was, and always will be, a cherished part of our lives, and though she couldn't be here in person, her spirit is interwoven into the very fabric of this day.

As we exchange our vows and commit to a lifetime of love and partnership, we do so with an understanding that love transcends time and space. Our love is a tribute to the love that she gave us, a love that will endure long after this day has passed.

Today, on September 16, 2023, our wedding day, we celebrate love in all its complexity. We celebrate not just the love between us but the love that we carry in our hearts, passed down through generations. We carry her love, her legacy, and her memory with us as we take this monumental step together.

In loving memory of my dear mother, she is here with us in spirit, watching over us, blessing us, and forever a part of our love story.

Though she couldn't be here to witness this day, her love continues to guide us, and her memory lives on in the love that we share.

With love, on our wedding day, Melissa

Because all these while, deep down inside, it is in there

" pick the path that lights you up. the one you know deep down is the right choice. stop listening to doubt. start connecting with courage. do not let the idea of normal get in the way. it may not be the easy path, but you know great things take effort. lean into your determination. lean into your mission. lean into the real you. "

~ yung pueblo 

do you know that feeling, when someone said something, that resonates in your mind. Those words, that reignite the fire in you. 

Those words, echoing even after the phone call ended, those few words, and the bonds begin to connect, links begin to form, one after another, forming this big vision, of what was, what is, and what could be. 

and all of a sudden, your fire came burning, strong, hard, vigorously, so hot that you start jumping in bubbles, excited to share with the world your whole big plan of what will be. 

You are once again filled with motivation, passion, you remembered, what it's like to run with full speed, you recalled the moments of adrenaline rush, you reflect on seasons of high points, though difficult but full of purpose, full of effort, filled with energy and passion. and you look forward to having that feeling again, the reason to work hard, the race to run, the time of preparation....

and what feels better than that?

it is when someone, by your side, telling you, that, hey, i want to run alongside with you. 

"i am willing to let go of everything to run with you, even if the journey is difficult, but you are there."

i sincerely believe, 

God arranged and plan every single individual you will meet. 

and most of the time, the like minded will gather together. it is this kind of aura that attract each of you to meet, to gather, to come together. 

looking around me, suddenly i realized, they are all here, all around me. and those words that i once shared, came running back at me. This motivation, came back to motivate me. 

I was lost, but now i am found. I was cold but now i am burning again. 

i want to run, i want to fight, i want to be back on track again. 

and You know, that this is the path that, no matter what difficulties come your way, you will be happily burning, so bright, so strong, because it is your calling. 

why i love Dessau

why i love dessau

some say it's plain and boring,
but i say it's plain is quaint

why i love dessau
of the many mornings i cycled, overlooking the misty lakes,
of the many beautiful summer, days of bicycle tours,
of the endless new discoveries, of every new hidden gems,
of the beautiful green path, beneath the blue blue skies

why i love dessau
of the 3 little cygnets that slowly turned into beautiful swans
of hours and hours lying under trees, feeling the spring breeze,
of shades of yellow orange and red leaves, falling down swiftly ,
of melodious birds chirping, singing happy songs

why i love dessau
of sitting by the peaceful still water, waiting for wisdom to be bestowed upon
of strumming of strings by the river flow, accompanied by dandelions flying
of grilling with my comfortable friends, waving them at kayaks passerby
of lying under more trees, with snacks and munchies and refreshing fruits

so do you see why i love dessau?
i think it is here that my overwhelming energy need not be contained
it is here that i can cycle hours and hours, using up every exploding energy
it is here that i can take a nap under a tree, without worrying about anything
it is here that i learn about myself, what i really truly like
it is here that i hear God, so close, so loud, so real to me
it is here that i found family, of sisters and parents and friends so kind

and so it's why i so love dessau
it's plain is just because it is a quaint little town

Sometimes i forget

"i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love."

Sometimes sometimes, i forget the things i've learn.
sometimes sometimes, when i forget, it is as if i have not learnt the lesson.
but at those times when i forget, i am very grateful to have found, that i have wrote it down somewhere, that it reminded me again.

and today, it was this sentence that i have once learned, and told myself i need to remember.
but in the end forgotten, until i saw it again today, on this blog.

and today, i want to say this again, because till this day, i am grateful i still feel this way.
i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change.
i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love.


so dear God, please help me to remember, if i ever forget again.
that this is really what i want to do.

and as for today's application, it will be,
i want to do thesis like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of grades, or do drawings for the sake of submitting. i want to create designs that would make people love, research that make people smile, building that make people cry, make people feel. i want to create something that will make an impact, or make a little change. i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself, learn how to love, through architecture.

and i still believe, no matter which stage of life am i in, this will be applicable, and i hope, that no matter which stage of life am i in, i will still feel this way.

the heart is a weird weird thing

i really don't understand my heart, can never satisfied it, no matter what i do, it always wants something else.

the heart used to tell me :

i would give everything to have the chance to travel the world,
how great would my life be if i can be studying architecture abroad, best is europe,
i wish that i have less duties to perform, living with my family, its difficult to don't care, how nice if i can don't care without having to feel guilty,
how wonderful it would be to be able to read a book under a tree in the open field, without having to worried of being rob.
how amazing if i can travel alone to different places, not having to worry about money,
how how how great if i have my own room, own time, own freedom.....
how nice if i have my own kitchen and do my groceries and plan my own meals,
how nice if theres a cheap gym,
oh, what would campus life be.
how great if i can go out with friends without having to be guilty for being out late,

and at that time, i worked hard, trying different ways, spotting opportunities, research scholarships, did so many things, and finally on this day the heart have all these.....

the freedom, the opportunity, the luxury, the travels, the views, the tree, the libraries, the gym, the campus, the friends....


and then now, the heart misses that simple life that the heart used to have when the heart was wishing for all these things that the heart now has,

the heart now misses the simple life that it used to have,
the family time every sunday where everyone just sit together in the living room, even if none were really chatting, but just being there.
the joy of throwing pillows at each other, being bugged to turn off the lights even when im not sleepy,
the freedom of walking in shopping malls, easily and conveniently anytime, anywhere, with anyone
the kitchen where you don't have to think of your own meal, and there's always food on the stove, and fruits in the fridge.
the guilt for staying late, so you know there's someone waiting, watching, worrying about your being.
and now, the heart wishes to trade back all of these, to get back all of those...
dear heart,

why are you never satisfied? why aren't you always grateful, yes, i understand how blessed the heart has been, being answered all prayers, so gracefully, but only through it all, the heart finally realized, what the heart really need, what the heart really want.

not the opportunity to go far and wide, but the company to go with,
not to be friends with the whole world, but to have that few that has always been there no matter where, no matter what.
not to be rich and famous and adventurous, but to be grateful, peaceful and simple.
not the size of a big own room, but a cozy warm familiar room.
not that quiet life of having own thinking time, but to have the noise of different siblings telling stories of their day, nonsense all the way.
not the jaw dropping, breathtaking view of foreign mountains, but to hike the peaceful backyard hill of the city i belong in.
not the fancy expensive pinterest-like cuisines, but that familiar pot with fragrance of home.


but the heart will never know these, not even when a hundred tell,
because the heart doesn't listen and is a very stubborn being.
but now that the heart has experienced it all, the heart knows,
that all the heart wants, is really, to go home.

Anything

if you can choose  to do anything, learn any course, be anyone... put aside reality and practicality, if,
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?

when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.

maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.

if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?


i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.

to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.

or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.

or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.

or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about  events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.

or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.


there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,

you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,


i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.

so really,
what am i waiting for?

dream come true

have you ever thought,

what if,
all of a sudden,
you got that realization,
that everything you have right now, at this second, this moment,
is all you have ever wished for?

what would that feeling be?
will you be really happy? satisfied? excited? overwhelmed?
i thought i would be.

but in reality,
when it happened to me, before it struck me, i was complaining.

the room of my dreams,
with that peaceful courtyard view, looking out at the autumn leaves,
two huge windows up above, looking into the blue blue skies and fluffy clouds.

the course of my ambition,
with the amazing variety of students and professors,
freedom of all sorts, choices of all kinds.

the travel around the world experiences,
with budget airlines and affordable travels,
to countries i can only dreamed of within hours.

the freedom of the life i've always wanted,
to do anything anytime, to be anywhere.

it is still unbelievable to believe this but
God really answered my prayers,
He gave me all these, all these that i have always wanted,
undeserving as I am, yet He still blessed me with all these.
Not just all these but so much more, more than I can ever dream of.

He gave me friends who love and care,
He gave me sisters that are always there.
The guidance and fellowship that i always craved for,
He gave it all to me.

What more, what more can i ask for?


i should be ashamed to even have the slightest thought of complaining.
God has done so much, so so much for me,
I should be the one doing something,
doing something for him.


Dear God,

Thank you for all that you have given to me, all that I have, I surrender myself and praise you to the end of the earth. How can i ever thank you enough?

In realization of all these, I am immensely grateful.
and for this moment, i just want to pause a moment, and absorb this all, for i do not know, how long more do i have, to own this moment........

worth it

I am experiencing something new and really heart overwhelming view every time i go out i felt like i have never really travelled before in my life.


okay. maybe, that moment at the peak of Mount John in New Zealand, but that was a rare moment.
Here, it is almost easy to get that.

and the breathtaking view, in which at that moment, i felt like, all the hardship, the efforts put, the long journey, all the uncertainties, the trouble along the way, the disappointments seem insignificant anymore, because what is important is i am standing here, at this place, staring into this view, at that very moment, absorbing all.


it was all worth it. worth the wait. worth not to settle for less. worth the trouble, worth the dream, worth everything.

Thank you, my dear God :')

Settled

53 days
1272 hours
76,320 minutes
4579200 seconds.

That's how long it took for me to finally settled down.
It was not as what was foretold, nor was it like how i was afraid to be, rather, it was quite subtle, lost definitely in the beginning, but wasn't alone, was never alone....

today, was just an ordinary day, half day was in university, and grateful enough, i was managed to be home before sunset, and the sun sets earlier recently, even before 5 in the evening. I have gotten my resident permit card in the afternoon, after a long wait. Came home, and sorted all my mails and documents, the thought came suddenly, the not exactly overwhelmed feeling, but more of, a struck of realization, or acceptance, or....i'm not sure what word would best describe it, The Feeling.

Settled.
was the only word i can think of.

God has been so real and so merciful to me in this journey to a land so faraway.
and i couldn't have wish to done it in any other way.  Amen.

when did you last write

One of my resolution this year is to write something every day.  Be it a short passage,  a reflection of the day,  a quote to remember, lesson learned,  notes to be jotted down or simply conversations that have took place. 

Someone told me once,  that it's not real unless you write it down.  And I want to write something down everyday so that when the year ends, I can reflect on the things and events that happened.  And I have bad memories, I tend to forget a lot of things.  Those things that I remember are the things I have spent time writing it down. and in this life,  there are many things and people that i do not wish to forget. 

Since young, I have always been writing diaries and journals. Those days about being angry after fights and arguments with my siblings,  crushes in highschool, disappointments in college,  happiness and gratefulness in many destination and stages of life. 

Reading back on those posts and feelings never fail to give me revelations in the journey of growing up.

And through the years of writing,  it made me realized that... 

You don't need beautiful words to start writing, 

You don't need a great story to move your pen, 

You don't need to be super sad or super happy to make a page worthy, 

All you need is just an honest feeling.  And then writing as if no one in this world will read it will form the most  genuine words. 

" Es ist nur real, wenn du es niederschreibst"

i've always wanted to.....

" i've always wanted to...."



this is something i've always slip into my words, and today i learnt hard that i shouldn't anymore.

i've always wanted to go sky diving.
i've always wanted to learn diving.
i've always wanted to finish my piano lessons.
i've always wanted to take up ballet again.
i've always wanted to spend some time for myself and plan out the future.
i've be meaning to spend more time with God.
i've always wanted to pray more.
i've always wanted to hike Mount KK.
i've always wanted to cycle to work even when everyone wouldn't believe i would.
i've always wanted to learn Spanish.
i've always wanted to complete a sketchbook with really good sketches.
i've always wanted to brush up my watercolour skills.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to help joshua and joel to gain their deserved identity.
i've always wanted to own my own studio.
i've always wanted to get fit to hike 10 hours.
i've always wanted to get a flight ticket to go anywhere i want and fly on the same day.
i've always wanted to spend more time with my dogs.
i've always wanted to do research on scholarship and save for master in somewhere far away.
i've always wanted to go Canada and visit Jayme.
i've always wanted to backpack around UK.
i've always wanted to step foot into Sagrada Familia and shed a tear when i meet Gaudi's work.
i've always wanted to visit Venny in Perth.
i've always wanted to spend more time in Vietnam with Ngoc.
i've always wanted to go volunteer with Dr.Donna.
i've always wanted to join the Nepal hiking trip.
i've always wanted to visit and sketch Angkor Wat in cambodia.
i've always wanted to finish my master.
i've always wanted to dance happily with happie people all night.
i've always wanted to adopt a kid.
i've always wanted to volunteer in a zoo/animal shelter.
i've always wanted to go to the library in Ireland.
i've always wanted to wake up on a cruise.
i've always wanted to go camping for days.
i've always wanted to build a 3d model of this house and design a very daring modified version dreamhouse from this.
i've always wanted to run a marathon.
i've always wanted to watch a football match live.
i've always wanted to pass the hanging monkey test and win a beer.
i've always wanted to bring dookoo go hiking
i've always wanted to climb the grand canyon
i've always wanted to be good at pilates.
i've always wanted to swim more.
i've always wanted to finish all the books i want to read without distractions.
i've always wanted to watch all the movies in the list of my movies i wanna watch.
i've always wanted to draw more illustration on my bamboo.
i've always wanted to print out Mount John panorama.
i've always wanted to own an apartment.
i've always wanted to finish up my final project in uni.
i've always wanted to make a journal album of all the trips i've been.
i've always wanted to compile a "best moments" album.
i've always wanted to make a family album.
i've always wanted to volunteer more.
i've always wanted to make a difference.
i've always wanted to create a brand, not a commercial brand, but a brand that helps someone, somewhere. something that benefits the community.

i've always wanted to.....

SO MANY THINGS.

and after so many years, these are still things that i've always wanted. but haven't managed to achieve. Did i do anything to get closer to these? Are there certain things that i can afford to do it now, but still didnt?

I don't want to wake up 10 years later and still ending the sentence with i've always wanted to....
i want to be able say, i've always wanted to, and then continue with i've finally did it on....or with .....

Missing out today's opportunity on the application have slap me awake from my blissful world. There are so many things i've always wanted to do, and some years down the road from now, i won't be able to remember any happiness now, but only remember things that i've always wanted to do, but didn't.

i need to schedule some time to date myself.
before its too late to say, i've always wanted to..... and feel like there's still a chance to achieve any of these.

8 days are not enough.
don't wait till 8 years are not enough.
what if i wakes up one morning and someone tells me i have only 6 months left.
worse,
what if i never wakes up anymore.

this application is a blessing in disguise. sometimes, we need a hard slap from reality to gain knowledge, to slap us awake from our blissful little bubble. wake up, wake now.

ps: i love you

its another movie day! today, it so happened to be ps i love you that got playing the harddrive. This is such a bittersweet movie. Really really sweet, but really really sad at the same time. But its movie like this that always makes me think. and i like movies that make me think. 

some people who never spend time watching movie like this, they're missing out a big time. chick flick and a genuine love story is different. i always like movies from books, because its always those that have the best quotes, those that have the best stories to tell. and this,is one of the best.

usually, i don't like movie with sad ending. and this book, someone dies right from the beginning. thats just sad. but i guess thats the part of it that make it a beautiful story. it shows how beautiful love can be, that despite how much pain it brings when you lost it, it is still worth having it in the first place. 

this sort of remind me of a friend who likes to ask really difficult questions, such as "would you rather lose both hands or both legs?" or " would you prefer to be deaf and to never hear music again, or mute, to never be heard again?" difficult questions like that. and this movie, gave me another difficult question. 

" would i rather have someone to love me and know me like how Jerry know Holly, and then love him so much that the pain of losing him is just so difficult to bear? or would i rather not love at all?"

how do you choose to love a person? maybe you don't even get to choose to love a person, maybe it just happen. whether you want it or not. 

oh, and that part about creating things, where Holly said, her business is to create something, anything, anything that will bring that part of you to show it to the world, that part of you that makes you different from the ordinary people from the world. i think that part is just beautiful. i think that's really something that makes someone so special, that you cant find it on anyone else. 

you know, i've always imagined what would my funeral be like. what would my friends say about me, what kind of a person would my family described me to be... and always from now and then, i will try my very best to be kind, to be helpful, to be special, because i want to be special. i want people to remember me as someone special in their life, someone who did something, someone who changed something. someone who sees something when others didnt, someone who did something when others walked away, someone who loves God, someone who cares, someone who is special. 

i just wish i would remember that everyday, especially on days in the black hole. i hate that black hole. everyone would be so much happier if there isnt such thing as a black hole. but just like Holly, she doesn't always remember what she wants or need in life either. Maybe thats why we need people who loves us to remind us, people who know us to tell us, what makes our eye sparkles, what make us, us. 

i like this movie. its my 3rd time watching it, after reading the book. and it still makes me think and it still makes me cry. i like how movie do this to people. i like how authors do, how they create something so beautiful that make people cry, or think, or learn how to love. i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love. 

ps: i think this soundtrack is gonna go on playing for a while <3 div="">

definitely, maybe

today, i watched the movie again when it showed on Diva. its like my 5th time watching it? its still as good as the first. how they depict complicated stuff in a two hours movie in the simplest form, through telling a story to a kid.

how easy would life be, if we were all able to do that, having a narrator telling us what to do with our life? just that in that movie, the narrator was the main actor himself. it always seems much clearly when you tell someone the story of your life, and as you summarize it up into words, things begin to make sense. maybe that's why i'm always telling my friends stories. things just doesn't quite make sense in my brain. if i ever have the chance to step foot into my brain, i would imagine it being a big colourful messy space with things flying around, and dusts on many quotes. hah. that would be a nice picture to doodle about. my brain. (keep that in note)

how nice, if i can just watch my life being played like a movie, clearly narrated, maybe i'll know what to do then. but then again, there would be too many embarrassing moments and scenes that i wouldnt dare watching it again. horrible. possibly rated thriller.

a kid. if all adults can be as genuine as a kid, to think innocently as a kid... if i can be a kid again, wouldnt life be more colourful then?

definitely, maybe.

letting words out

to the one who loves the outdoor, to the one who needs no car,
to the one who sing with the birds and fall asleep below the stars,
you'll tell me you love nature, sunset and sunrise just as much
no fear of the wild jungle, no mud you would not touch.

seeking no proof of truth, your eyes being your only clue,
no google needed to find, intuitions are your rules,
windows can be the pallet, feathers being the tool,
with trees and leaves falling, no problems for you too cruel.

staying away from the people but still you can feel,
pulling away from the world but clear you can see still,
no news announcements of things done, yet willing are you to do,
no judgement forcing trends, just plainly genuinely wants to.

curly fringe, knee length shorts, wind that blows right through,
by the waterfall, water splashed, rock and pebbles flew,
the call of a name, singing aloud, echoing round and round
barefoot on earth, warm feet cold town, with our hearts tied to the ground.

if i'm far from my dreams, here in my life, how should i expect to see,
if i'm at a place where i don't belong, how near could you have been,
unless i go all out, go far out, go chase the free flow cloud,
jump right into my dreams, just be brave, just be loud.

a step i'm willing to take

8 years ago, it was much easier. we were much kinder to another.
since don't know when, every answer, there's a hint of anger, making kindness, a little bit harder.
i no longer have any idea, on how to ignore your harsh replies.

i answer with a smile doesn't mean i enjoy your raised voices.
i try to start a new question doesn't mean i'm okay with your previous harsh answers.
i can only pray that God can help you seek, the solution for your true complication within.
to find the patience and kindness you used to have, the gentleness i know that's still somewhere inside.

if you came here to read this, you probably still care.
tho this is nothing like, the forty days dare.
dear God grant wisdom, patience and kindness,
i apologize if its the things i did, or the things i did not.
but i'll never know, unless you let it out.

a time for everything

and He says, 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven;

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil--- this  is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it, God does it so that men will revere him. 

Whatever is has already been, 

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account. 

i thought in my heart.

Ecclesiates 3:1-17

mess we've made

hurray hurrah and all ways to say yiiihaa~
friday has finally arrived to be nice :)

i realized, i felt depressed workin only when i'm not given any task to complete.
whenever i'm occupied, i actually like the time better. so, this week has been kind till friday,thank God! and the beginning of last night marks d start of a festive season :D  am grateful to have got the monday leave! poor pei rong got her leave all postponed.

its always always nice to gather with the crazie girlfriends, packed in a tuna fish can, and just spend d night laughin till the wheezing come knocking. it feels like back in highschool again. d only difference is nw we all have cars n probably grew a few inches taller (me).

today is a saturday! and i'm already feeling like i've earned a day from not sleeping last night. a few more days for the celebration of christmas! yay!! gonna make lasagna for christmas tis yr and let's hope it'll turn out fine. tada~~~

the last time i baked one was months ago, and i dont really remember what i put into it. o.O but it turned out to be yum and my brother licked the entire tray. so, yea.. fingers crossed!

btw, after getting the internet fixed, youtubing has been easy and i couldnt get enough of the nice originals and short videos. awesooooooome! i foresee a great life ahead! heh. one more for tis post!

the sugar honey bee

was looking back at some of the notes i wrote during seminars and lectures. its definitely something i miss alot. have been lazing around the house for quite some time, 1st month was outings all the way, 2nd month was a mixture of travel and dragging, the 3rd month was basically clearing the dragged list... a life of procrastination, not the best feeling in the world. :(

felt so useless and worthless. its like every morning, you find no interest to wake up because, there's nothing to anticipate, and at the end of the day of course, achieve nothing. 

hate being sucked into a black hole like this.

thankfully, today, looking back at all these notes, i finally found something that interest me again. one of my friend came asking me for some ideas on design last night, and suddenly, we were brainstorming for design ideas. 

THAT's the feeling that i missed.

That's the satisfaction that i lost.

that's the thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning, and not willing to go to bed. 

that's the thing that kept me reading for hours and had no time to sleep, eat or even think nonsense. 

i miss design. i miss brainstorming session. i miss using my brain to study something. and those wasted days of doing nothing were nothing but regrets. not gonna let my days go pass like that anymore.

i needa go back to studying mode. even when there's no exams. because really, what i miss is, learning  :)

dance with me before the sun rises

simply beautiful

plan B

-taken from tumblr-