"you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do"

" you can't do architecture if you don't love what you do"

this phrase, these are the exact words that i wrote back in April 2014. 4 and a half years ago. In a blogpost, writing how happy am i in doing what i love, the joy of learning, the joy in doing architecture.

and here am i today, lost in words of what to write for the abstract of my master thesis.
words, never came out so difficult, never, so lost of words.

what changed? what is different?

i have been struggling recently, no, for two semester, on really loving architecture. and i did not know why, i couldn't find the passion to do my assignments, why am i constantly so lost, not knowing how to proceed, not knowing what to do, lost the joy of doing, thinking, pursuing, completing projects, and instead, i just do for the sake of submitting, no passion, nope, not the goosebumps feeling that i used to have when i was doing architecture in the previous years. how did i got so lost, and now, i think, i'm in the black hole. YES, the black hole that i also wrote before in this blog. That black hole that every architecture student or even architect dread, that horrible scary helpless black hole.

i used to really love architecture, and i think, i love it because i love learning about it. There were so many things i didn't know, so many things that surprises me along the way, each new project i start, teaches me so many different things, touches me, inspire me with the impact that it can do in changes people life, wellbeing and even a whole community. i love imagining how the people will live in the designs that i plan, how children can climb that wall, how parents can sit and read to relax, how neighbours can chat, how communities can live and be happy. those things, those ideas, those thoughts, made me happy. Eventhough they were all imaginations of what could be, are all imaginary scenes in the process of designs, yet even those virtual scenarios, fill my heart, keeps it beating, excites my soul, energizes my spirit.

maybe maybe, i really did forget. Forgotten that i love to learn, forgotten to enjoy the things i like, forgotten to feel the joy, forgotten to live the moment. Too many distractions and unfiltered thoughts, too many adventures of unfiltered travels, too much to take in without time to process it all, i, am in a mess.

a gooey, messy, pile of mess.

but still, i really thank God.
because no matter what my state of mind is, how different i have become, how much changes that has happened, there is one thing, one thing that remains,
and that is God's company, standing by my side, holding me, guiding me, very gently to live each day.

He is still here, even when i'm a mess.
He is still here, even when i'm being ungrateful.
He is still here, no matter what i've become.
and He is still here, reminding me, why, and how, i love architecture.

i like how architecture influences people. 

i like how the building is mold to suggest activities for people.

Build two doors right beside each other and neighbours will greet and say hi.

Build a wall between two neighbours and they will never meet the eye. 

i like how family grows in houses designed with considerations for them. 

i like how the sun flows into the building so people doesn't have to turn on the lights.

i like how the wind blows, when people can have tea by their houses, 

i like how the window shows, that people can dream and think of others. 

i like how architecture improves life.

i like how anthropometry studies gives users a healthier life.

i like how the considerations of constructions, save a tree life.

i like how waste reduction returns the animal their homes,

i like how i can contribute, to do my part in loving others. 

i like how architecture understands things.

i like how architecture involves many occupations.

i like designing different buildings so i can understand different people.

i like how learning bout them helping me love different people,

i like how architecture can make them work happier. 

design a postoffice makes me love postmen,

as i need to think and consider for them.

design a community centre makes me understand,

how what and why people behave badly sometimes. 

i used to only love the subject on design. 

the other theories subject i find it a waste of time.

but now i understand how these others knowledge can help,

to equip me in molding a complete design.

now i finally understand what Herman tells me,

to always know what you're doing and always Ask Why. 

i don't love what is architecture, 

but i love how architecture, and why architecture.

maybe, maybe, before i start doing architecture, i need to first find the love that i used to have, the love of doing, then will come the joy of the doing, and then it can, again be, an architecture with a piece of my heart.