to use your heart and not your brain

if you were given a choice to choose, will you choose to have a fragile heart or a harden heart?

Quoting C.S.Lewis,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

i find the matter of the heart very important to me. i depend on my heart a lot. there's this thing that i always tell myself when i am about to do something silly like spending nights not sleeping to create gifts that people never even ask for, or might not even appreciate, or when i'm about to embarrass myself to cheer someone up, that is:

" its time to use your heart and not your brain".

confused?

i personally believe that everything that the heart does is towards the advantage of others. for example, when you're about to make a gift for someone, you use your heart and not your brain. Because, if you use your brain, you would possibly end up taking the most practical route; the time and cost efficient way to achieve that goal. But, if you use your heart, all you will think of is how happy the receiving person will be upon receiving this gift; even if it means you have to sacrifice your time, your sleep and your money to put in all your effort in creating that gift. Because what matters to the heart is the other person, but what matters to the brain is, common sense, logical sense, trying to reason all things out and protect yourself. to use the heart is by listening to God's whisper and the holy spirit, to use the brain is like depending on your own wisdom.

i like how C.S.Lewis quote it. "to love at all is to be vulnerable". it hits the point right on. it is true when you uses your heart, you get hurt so easily. To others, it might seem to be the silliest thing to do, when i use my heart. But to me, that's all that matter. emotional? i choose to not take that as emotional. irrational? maybe, but i like to be that way. love isn't at all rational to begin with. Even God's love are all things but rational.

Rational thinking will say, if that person doesn't do you any good and brings harm to you, your brain will tell you to stay away. But God's love says, if that person doesn't love you, love them anyways. love your neighbours but love your enemies more. If someone hits you on the right cheek, offer them your left cheek. Is that rational? totally not. your wisdom will tell you its not worth getting hurt. that person didn't care, why do you even bother? but you will do so, if you use your heart. Because, the heart knows that, doing so is helping that other person, even if it hurts yourself to do so. Of course i'm not saying that one should help the other person blindly with all your heart till the point like stealing or killing for that person. Everything still needs to go according to God's word. 

What i meant is, if someone hurts you in the past, by forgiving that person and continue to help that person, you're risking yourself of being hurt again. In moments like these, your brain will tell you to stay as far as you can from that person, to keep your guard up, to protect yourself. But your heart, will say otherwise. Continue to stay close with that person to help them, that doesn't mean you don't keep your guard up, you do, but you still are willing to risk yourself in getting hurt because doing so is the only way to ensure you are doing no harm to anyone else, except yourself. 

and no, i'm not doing that because i like to hurt myself. But because i have the faith that, God will be the one who will be protecting and watching over me. i leave that part to God. i'm weak, i can't protect myself. but i have a great God who can. He did say in psalm 121:7,

The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life;

And in 2 Thessalonians 3:3 states,

But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 

so, all one have to do is use all his heart and all his soul to do God's will, and live according to His word. to use his heart and not his brain to love regardless of whether the person deserves it or not. 

when you are willing to use your heart, you'll realize that you care so much more, be it for the people, animal, the environment or basically anything, everything will matter to you. Having said that, you will also realize, how weak your heart has become. you'll find that many days you'll have a heavy heart because there are so many things that you care about, every little things will strike the heart, your heart will hurt. that's probably why little children cry a lot, because they use their heart in everything they do. i guess that's what C.S.Lewis meant by being vulnerable. 

God remains the strength of my heart

God has been guiding me each step every day. i've been so weak these couple of weeks, with so many things happening and all. its just difficult for the heart to digest all things. so many things to learn, so many mistakes i've made, so many mental notes to keep, and it seems almost impossible to be able to do this on my own. no, let me rephrase. its totally impossible for me to do this on my own. i can't do it. its too hard. its too much to take in, its too impossible to digest. my heart couldnt take it. my mind unwilling to comprehend it all. i don't have d courage to believe anything.

the reason i'm still standing here, holding it all together, taking one step at a time, and having the strength to take the next breath, is all by God's grace and God given strength. Without God's wisdom, i can't survive. without His grace, my heart wouldn't be able to sustain.

blogging, has always been a platform for me to clear my thoughts. every single time my mind are filled with messy thoughts, when my heart is all confused, putting the thoughts into words, after building them into proper sentences and paragraphs and summaries and conclusions, always help everything to make sense.

and that's what happening now again.

i just feel the need to thank God. every single day. every single second. because
He's the strength to my next breath.
He's the strength to my next heart beat.
He's the strength for to wake up every morning to go to uni.
He's the strength for me to do anything at all.

i thank God for His wisdom.

i don't want to live on my own wisdom. in fact, i don't even have wisdom to start with. i feel so weak and strength-less without Him. i don't even think i have the strength to wake up in the morning for this period of time. and i'm glad He's pulling me through every single second. i'm glad He's here with me, telling me its okay, telling me even if i can't do this, He can do this for me. and because i'm weak, He's strong. day by day, He's revealing something, from the random movies i picked to watch, books i chose to read, people i meet and talk to, lectures i attend, places that i go and the things i spend doing.... all are part of His way of revealing something to me. something for me to learn, something to remind me and to make me realize.
how can i even comprehend His wonders with my own silly understanding. 

some of my friends said, how can i surrender all these into God's hands. how can i even be sure if theres a God to begin with. but what they do not know is, i had my moments of doubts when i shouldnt.  i've always been trying so hard to do things my way and i've failed. and i'm grateful that i've failed. God made me fail to teach me lessons. God made me learn so that i can grow. God make me fall so that i can grow stronger and He is molding me. but i guess putting all these into words can't really describe and make others comprehend. God works in magnificent ways that one can only comprehend it when he's the one to experience it. even so, one might even be able to comprehend, no...not until God decided to soften his heart and reveal His wisdom to him.

so if you're reading this and you don't get a word i'm saying about God. its totally not weird at all. because, this is my part of experiencing God, and your part has yet to come. but when its your turn, you'll probably get it. 

im gonna be perfectly fine

it has been so long since i last posted anything.
its funny how blogging no longer seems to be the thing anymore? but i still like to blog. for me, its not so much of a trend thing, but its something i actually like doing because writing it down actually helps me believe that it actually happen. like sometimes, things that happened were so surreal that i sometimes couldn't be sure whether it actually did happened or did i just made it up in my mind. but reading back what i wrote, it helps to confirm that it did actually happened. and it felt nice reading it. and it also helps connecting the dots. then you will remember to be content. to be grateful of all the things that have actually happened. especially during the bad times.

this two months has been awesome. its amazing how God made everything fall into place like perfectly. like, i never really planned it, the timing and all but it just all fall in the right place at the right time. The perfect place to intern, i got everything i wanted, wait...i got more than what i actually prayed for. the people are nice, the place is awesome, my friends are there for lunch and i learned so much from that place.

Not only that the work wasn't that difficult. the people there are too nice to me, and its amazing how God has made me know each of them individually in his own timing, to reveal the things that He wants me to learn about. Sacrifices made for their family, the love for their children, the determination in work, the principles of life, the commitment you hold, the ownership in the things you do, the way you deal with things and people, being humble, being a sponge, being open to criticism, open to learning new ways and so much more. And then there's all the amazing company He placed around me, sweet and awesome new friends, and my very best friend who stayed back with me every single time, chasing the sunset after work every evening, scream and shout when we're stressed and LLL. then there's the kind and caring ones that He placed near me, bringing them closer in His own special ways and timing, using them to motivate and support me in my times of need, i know its all Him. My internship couldn't have been great without Jesus, without His guidance, without His blessings, without His protection.

And then, there's the New Zealand trip. Didn't even planned it in the first place, and He sort of made it happen. The amazing things i experienced backpacking alone. Can't believe i actually did it. Oh the amazing things i see, the roadtrips i had, the breathtaking places ive been to, though i didn't get to skydive in the end, i'm sure He knows the perfect timing for that to happen. God is good. He knew i needed this escape. He knew i needed this adventure, He knew exactly what i needed. and then He provides, He provides even more than you can ever ask for. He doesn't give you the things you want, but He gives you the things you need. and you don't need to tell Him that because sometimes, you don't even know what you really need.

now its the time to be grateful for all of these. i hate it when i'm feeling like this, all depressed and couldnt focus on the list of things to do, but kept indulging in feeling down and confused, feeling all upset on the things i couldnt get and things i couldnt get any answers... but counting these blessings made everything alright.
God made everything alright. Because its obvious He is taking care of me, i feel relieved that i'm not going through this on my own, that He has it all planned out for me, He will reveal to me in His own timing, He will take care of it, i have absolutely no right and no need to be worried about anything. all i need to do is trust in Him and to completely surrender to Him without any doubt.

then, everything will be perfectly fine. because He is with me. because He is my awesome father. He is my awesome God.