Thursday, November 29, 2018
a mess
it is so obvious.
this thesis process has made me realized, how messy are my thoughts, my stuff. Whether is the files on my harddisk. the photos, the list of books i want to read, the list of movies i want to watch, the list of lists even. the number or sketchbook, the number of notebook....so many so many different things.
My Life is in a mess.
not the bad harmful kind of mess. just the the things are so messy i cant see clearly kind of mess.
the Bar architects said, don't be afraid to simplify things, if it can shows what you want to say..
the same messy process of my thesis is the exact scenario of my brain.
arghh...this is tough. really challenging me. i'm usually very hopeful on a lot of things, but this mess got so big, i'm not sure if i can handle it. not my thesis i mean, my life and experiences.
maybe i don't really need to organize them. do i? heh....
maybe i need a one year break, just to freeze everything and organize my life. but then, i can't exactly escape life....now that is one thing i really need to learn, how to organize my life!
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
a quiet song
Searching for an answer
Who was I meant to be
Worlds apart from here
Longing for the day
In fear of endless night
Save this lonely heart of mine
When I could not hear
You taught my heart to listen
Song of hope filled my soul
Long before you’d sung them
Learning like a child
To see with eyes wide open
Born again through faith and endless love
After all these years
You still stand here right beside me
Not a moment of regret
Forgiving me this promise
Never letting go
Through the rain and stormy weather
In your love I’ve finally found
My shelter
With a love so strong
Choices made so sacred
Who can judge right or wrong?
Seems no longer matter
When our lives are through
The heavens as our witness
Every step worth taken was with you
After all these years
You still stand here right be
Not a moment of regret
Forgiving me this promise
Never letting go
Through the rain and stormy weather
In your love I’ve finally found
My shelter
After all these years
While you stood here right beside me
How I longed to give you back
All the love that I’d been hiding
Thank you for the tears
Every drop you shed in waiting
In your arm I’ve finally found
My haven
Friday, November 9, 2018
why does this blog still exist?
but why is mine still existing?
firstly, i think blogging has been more of a inspiration to me more than anyone else. I myself benefit the most from my thoughts. many words or reflections, some i never knew i could write, thoughts i forgotten i had, and passion that i forgotten i believe in.
writing, has always been both an output and input for me. an expression of my feelings, a gain to my beliefs. and today, i realised, no matter whether you're 10, 20 or 50 years old. everyone has their thoughts. and you might not know it, your thought may coincide with those even of the 50s.
I always thought wisdom grows along with age, but the older i get, the more i begin to feel that it doesn't work that ways.
i used to think that adults know better, but now i really beginning to doubt that. the more things we know, the more choices and freedom we have, the more difficult it is to keep hold to one simple principle. and maybe, that made things easier for the kids. There were not given much choices, and they did not know much, they did not need to consider much hence they did so much more, achieving so much more, and daring to be so much more.
so, i've decided. Adulting is no fun. yes, i'm forced to, certain things, but when it comes to the thoughts of doing, i'm going to try, to think much less, explain or speak of what i want to do much less, and instead, do more, fail more, and then do even more.
Last week architecture theory, we were talking about how and why the progression of architecture has been slow, and why are there so many experiments being done over the years yet none can be formed. And the reason being, criticism was not taken critically rather, it was taken offensively. If we can look at criticism constructive, and see it as something that not to condemn us, but to improve us or to make us better, and then looking back at our mistake, and the experiment done on where things got wrong, and not restart another whole new experiment, then maybe, over the years, we may be able to finally have a breakthrough. Not starting anew, but brave enough to go back to where we failed, and find out why we fail.
That part, i believe is the synthesis. the reflection process.
and that,
is why, this blog still exist.
because, here is where my thoughts are, my mistakes lays,
where my present became past, that every word formed, helps me in finding my future.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Anything
if someone just give you this chance, this few seconds, to try out anything, what will you want to be?
when i was a kid, i used to have so many dreams, impractical ones, and dreaming was easy to do, i do it during the day, before my sleep, during playtime with my cousins, and i was determined in those dreams, i tried using all kinds of tools to replicate the real scene, and even when all my siblings and cousins got bored setting up that they gave up playing it, i was still finding my tools, trying to make those plays more real, preparing pill tablets for the role of a doctor, setting up a baby cord for the teddy baby, tying a leash to a plushy dog, setting up tents for the camping scenes, the extend that i would go to.
maybe, those characters, was in me all the while, since i was a kid. imagining what would those be, setting a clinic, a restaurant by the railings ( replicating paris terraces), using clothes rack as beach umbrellas to set up a beach scene. even sketching plans of my favourite pizza restaurant on paper, my dream house, the future house, that campervan.... it was so much easier to dream, back at those days.
if today, i were to dream to be anyone, anything, what would i want to do? who do i want to be?
i want to be that dancer, wearing that beautiful flowy pieces of transparent cloth in shades of blue, or maybe black, with that spot light on stage, jumping as high as i can, doing that free air splits under that spot light, and slow dancing onto that open street in Prague, on Charles bridge, spinning, skipping, moving into that lightly shine moonlight, and that music just played on, without the care of the world, it will be just me, and that freedom o dance, the beauty of the night, and that gentle moonlight.
to be learning ballet in that dance school, putting on my ballet shoes with my bestfriends, hair in buns, with our skintight leggings with that ankle legwarmers, practicing together, throughout the day, reading in the evening, performing together every month.
or to be that pianist, practicing every morning, composing songs in the noon, in that solitary music room, with that beautiful window, looking out to the theatre hall in which one day, i will be there, with that formal dress in red, placing my hands on the grand piano, playing a song i composed, inspired by Bach.
or to be that artist, learning art history in a really old art school in italy, sketching portraits in the morning, sculpting Plaster in the day, mashing up mesh wires, bendable steel of my unique piece by night. Studying, learning, reading, painting, sculpting, molding, art pieces, and then after graduating, having my own art studio, workshop, where i spent half the time painting, sculpting, experimenting and making art, art pieces that inspires, art pieces that tell a story, a message, that can wake and ignite the passion and compassion in people. Art pieces that make people want to draw and do something for themselves, art pieces that wakes the sleeping soul in people, calling them to create.
or to be that writer, reading famous pieces day and night, essays, articles, thesis papers, revolutionary pieces, stories, fictions, fantasy, biographies. And then writing journals about events, people marginalized, sharing voices that are not heard, understanding literatures, spending hours in beautiful libraries after libraries, where my bedroom is always the smell of books, and then writing, always writing about something new, something old, something interesting and something funny too.
or be that wanderer, leaving everything behind, moving to that mountain, where i settled in with the villagers, building shelters, community centers, schools, hiking with the kids, building tree houses that have the best views hosting classes, having 10 dogs, daily trip to the waterfall to end the tiring but productive day, lying in a simple hut, staring into the peaceful yet starry night, living day by day with simple gratefulness, not wanting anything, just giving everything.
there's so many beautiful things one can do. only reality limits them.
but then again,
you don't really need to be rich to dance,
don't need to be in an artschool to draw or paint,
own a grand piano to compose music,
doesn't need to wait till you're famous to write,
or own a million to travel,
i believe, when you really understand what the essence of those things are, the real ART, the beauty of these things, the joy of learning, and with the right courage, all these are really FREE, just out there, waiting for anyone to find it.
so really,
what am i waiting for?
Thursday, October 25, 2018
what have i gotten myself into?
" What are only conjectures have been put forward as utopian panaceas and supported with absolutist fervour. Corroboration is always sought; never falsification. There are frequent manifestos of what is manifestly unmanifest. This absolutist attitude encourages personal critism against the author rather than rational criticism of the conjecture.......
whaaaaaaaaat?
conjectures? absolutist fervour? manifestly unmanifest? do that word even exist?!
who uses so many big words in one single sentence and who writes them, who reads them, or even, who comprehends them?
it took me more than awhile and 120% focus to make sense of that whole structure of this sentence.
wow.
then it dawned on me.
no shit.
who am i kidding, i'm actually in a master course.
honestly, when day by day passes, step by step came by, sometimes, you really don't realize where you are, it is as if you were blinded by all your surrounding, and suddenly, your eyes were open, mind blown, someone knocked some sense into, and boom.
reality sinks in.
I HAVE ENROLLED MYSELF INTO A MASTER COURSE AND AM CURRENTLY IN MY FINAL YEAR, PREPARING TO WRITE A MASTER THESIS.
no kidding.
back in those days, architects wrote master thesis that changed lives, impact a whole new century, realize the first high rise building of the entire world, wrote essays that are still being quote 100 years later today.
what am i going to do for mine?
am i up for all these?
i never see myself as someone who would study this far, though nowadays, a degree, a mastercourse, is quite a norm, nothing to hooha about, but now that i'm standing before this, a quick panic attack came.
breathe....
now that realization has hit upon, i can't unknown the known just like how the manifest can't unmanifest what has manifested.
so i guess, i just have to walk with faith, in faith that God has known all these even when i do not know, that God has it all planned out, and when He put us to a certain path, He will definitely guide us through it, whether or not we allow Him to, the difference will just be a smooth or a rough ride ahead, but either way, we will get there. right?
and from what i learned today,
all these that i have said, are just conjectures, and what i assume to be are just falsifications that no one can say to be absolutely true.
and, i officially got myself confused on what this post supposed to be about.
THAT, is an example of what theories can do to you.
Friday, October 5, 2018
dream come true
what if,
all of a sudden,
you got that realization,
that everything you have right now, at this second, this moment,
is all you have ever wished for?
what would that feeling be?
will you be really happy? satisfied? excited? overwhelmed?
i thought i would be.
but in reality,
when it happened to me, before it struck me, i was complaining.
the room of my dreams,
with that peaceful courtyard view, looking out at the autumn leaves,
two huge windows up above, looking into the blue blue skies and fluffy clouds.
the course of my ambition,
with the amazing variety of students and professors,
freedom of all sorts, choices of all kinds.
the travel around the world experiences,
with budget airlines and affordable travels,
to countries i can only dreamed of within hours.
the freedom of the life i've always wanted,
to do anything anytime, to be anywhere.
it is still unbelievable to believe this but
God really answered my prayers,
He gave me all these, all these that i have always wanted,
undeserving as I am, yet He still blessed me with all these.
Not just all these but so much more, more than I can ever dream of.
He gave me friends who love and care,
He gave me sisters that are always there.
The guidance and fellowship that i always craved for,
He gave it all to me.
What more, what more can i ask for?
i should be ashamed to even have the slightest thought of complaining.
God has done so much, so so much for me,
I should be the one doing something,
doing something for him.
Dear God,
Thank you for all that you have given to me, all that I have, I surrender myself and praise you to the end of the earth. How can i ever thank you enough?
In realization of all these, I am immensely grateful.
and for this moment, i just want to pause a moment, and absorb this all, for i do not know, how long more do i have, to own this moment........
Monday, July 16, 2018
of beautiful words that touches your soul
words,
how important are they,
how impactful can they be,
it's existence depends on the reader,
it's melody depends on the voice spoken.
words expresses feelings one hides deeply inside,
words share thoughts that one thought no one knew,
words say of things that someone out there understands,
words know.
words gives wisdom a solid form,
words strucks realization of truth and reality,
words can be a game, a riddle, a messy scribble,
but still all words say something or have something to say.
the saying that nothing happened if one does not write it down,
events did not take place if words are not written,
even that saying are formed of words itself,
look how words are not just words, it is everythingelse.
even the almighty one changes the world with words,
His words, written down and passed on generations to generations,
His words never ceases, never fail.
words, how beautiful are they.
it describes the beauty of colours,
the colours of nature,
the nature of beings,
the beings of things.
words gives encouragement,
raising people up,
holding them strong,
keeping goals close,
finding the lost.
words, how they define,
the meaning of things,
the values of unseen,
the culture of nation,
the laws and regulations.
words, how they can become,
weapons to pierce,
hurt that last a lifetime,
causing all that lost,
from love to tears.
words, should never be taken lightly.
for one word can mean a million other,
for all words, matter.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
i am waiting
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Of Solitude or the art of learning to be alone
Of mellow music playing, any kind, any time
Of then the cozy bath robe, tied or not,
who needs pants or clothes, there's no one to look,
Of any food you want, no one to judge or say,
any dishes to clean, now, later or another day,
Of drowning in books, day in, day out, in bed,
Of sketching endless drawings, no words needed to be said,
Of time to pray, time to think, time to sing,
Of dancing anytime, anyhow, with or without music.
Of daydreaming and staring into the sky, smiling,
Of snuggling in bed, breakfast at 4pm in the day,
Of following your heart, and let it take lead,
for a little while, for a few days.....
for there may only be a short moment, one moment, where you are in solitude, really alone.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Good Good Father
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
You are perfect in all of your ways
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think"