in the world of books,

where one can speak with animals and talk to plants

i meltz

follow your heart

they like to say,

" Follow your heart"

and it seems like its the right thing to do.

But what if,

it requires you to go against everyone's logical reasoning?
it causes you to break a promise you made earlier?
it leads you onto an endless wait?
it makes you seems irresponsible, impractical, illogical?

do you still follow your heart?

when everyone thinks otherwise, when financial pressure start building up, when people's impression of you changed, when unpleasant words are being said,

do you still follow your heart?

God has a plan for us all, and indeed, His plan is always the best for us.
It is easy to accept if His plan is for us to excel, to achieve success, to gain something. but what if His plan for us is somewhat to fail now for His bigger plan? Do we then can still accept that arrangement with faith?

What if following your heart is what everyone else perceived as something wrong, do you pursue that route?

Having a long history of humankind, this world has form a certain standards they put to measure people, a set of perspective, books of rules to follow. If it requires you to not follow the norm, to set a new perspective, to take the road less taken, brings you on a roller coaster ride and puts you in an uncomfortable situation, do you still follow your heart?

Following your heart then became a really big word, an even bigger challenge, a not so easy phase to go through, but even a bigger reason to hold on to, to follow your heart.

Because, it is only when you allow yourself to try, that it leaves you with no regrets, that in years from now, when you are left with no decisions to make, that you will not wonder, and you wouldn't be left thinking, what if....

what if you just had the courage...

to follow your heart.

eyes open wide

in those nights when the lights too bright,
the streets are dead but the air too white,
nothing's fresher than the gossips fly,
darker than clouds are the hazy sky.

white treasure creatures so pure yet die,
killing trees and mountains on the hills nearby,
dying bees ants seals as the temperature rise,
who knows when or how will we all survive

selfish thoughts and profits that buy,
careless people with much scarier cries,
cheating deceiving the humankind,
never will learn till its too late to try.

Potter's hand

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted
Into Your perfect plan
You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

You gently call me into Your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know your drawing me to yourself

never

I never like that word
never
it seems to be so harsh

no word as arrogant as he to be
to be so sure of what to pass

I never like using never
but reality cant deny
as much as we reluctant to
we just cant tell the lie

but having to think of this is it
the very one last night
no longer can I see her smile again
it just doesnt sound right

in christ we believe we can reunite
someday in heaven we'll meet
but that is only if so she did
surrender herself to His feet

dear Lord what if she didnt
it doesnt seem like she did
I just cant use the word never
not now not her not for this

dear Lord dear God I hope You'll forgive
and whatever is it, may she rest in peace

Thanks for everything. Rest in peace, dai guma.

numb

since when since how the heart has stopped feeling
any pain or sadness even when skin is peeling
dont know how nor know why cant tell what's in my mind
have I became too cruel or too scared to cry

the neighbour that passed without saying goodbye
after a terrible fall in the middle of the night
heard of the news no feeling yet why
too cold too cruel or too dry the eyes

and now again a news came by
again the cold came like frozen ice
the heart below freezing too many ties
no feeling came rushing only logical sighs

seeking memories seeking old binds
searching for at least one reason to lie
then she remembered as she laid by her side
like a mother she said its okay, dont cry.

with all her hairs nw grey and white
laying there weakly in coma tonight
its still cold like a bad winter pie
im afraid to go tmr, and hopefully wudnt be to bid goodbye

bring me back to you

Turn If Off

by Cindy Hess Kasper

" Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while. " Mark 6:31

When our kids were young, we took a trip to northern Wisconsin to visit my grandparents. They didnt get very good reception on their television, but TV wasn't much of a priority with them. After I had seen our son Scott fiddling with the TV set for a while, he asked with frustration, " What do you do if you can get only one channel and you don't like what's on that one?"

"Try turning it off," I said with a smile. Not exactly the advice he was hoping for. It's even more difficult to do now, especially when there are so many devices that entertain, inform and distract us.

Sometimes we do need to just turn it all off and rest our minds for a little while; we simply need to "unplug". Jesus often drew aside for a time--especially when He wanted to take time to pray (Matt. 14:13). He encouraged the disciples to step away as well -- even for a brief time (Mark 6:31). That kind of solitude and time for reflection is beneficial for each of us. In those moments we are able to draw near to God.

Follow the example and wisdom of Christ. Get away by yourself and "rest a while". It will be good for your body, mind and spirit.

Lord, help me to seek those things which are from above. I want to turn off all that distracts me and draw near to You. 

Turning down the volume of life allows you to listen carefully to God. 

adapted from Our Daily Bread

love rosie

till date, my favourite book is still Love, Rosie. 

i like to read emails, i love to read letters. sayings expressed in words are so much better than words in sayings. maybe because im not a good listener, maybe because for words, u can take all the time u need to read, maybe because words won't rush you and you can keep them. its always nice to read. People sometimes hear but don't listen, but in words, people just can't read without understanding. 

words are just beautiful that way. and i like to keep reading them over and over again. beautiful words i mean. 

the notebook

last few days, i went into my brother's room, wanted to watch Lord of The Rings, but it was too scary to watch it alone in the dark, so I end up watching the notebook instead. At that moment, i wasnt expecting it to be a movie this difficult. 

It was a difficult movie. Not difficult to understand, but difficult to leave the movie after watching it. Its the kind of movie that goes into your heart, run around leaving stains and marks and even after it leaves, the marks are there to stay. Its a difficult movie to not cry while watching it. 

It isnt bitter, but its not just sweet. It is something in between. But one thing that the movie strongly states, just like how the bible puts it, Love never fails. 

Its somehow easier to be the one watching it because you just need to bear a few minutes of heartache before the main characters in the movie find each other again. A less than 2 hours movie is not that difficult to bear compared to the character who are living it in the movie, the ones who know not when or who, the ones who know not how and why, the ones who waited many years for one love, the one who needs to bear the heartache without knowing that everything will work out fine in the end. 

We know it is a movie, we know it will end out fine. But the character doesn't know. Just like how in reality, we wouldn't have any idea, who is, who are, or when will be. 

That is the most difficult part of all. But in the movie they didn't mention God. and in my reality, i have God. maybe that's how my reality will be a little easier. having know that everything, will work out fine in the end of it all. because i believe. 

good friends made of great people

today, i realized ive got myself another really good friend. not the acquaintance kind of friend, but the type of friends where you know you can depend on them when you're sad, or to share with them when you're happie; friends that you're sincerely happie when you see them happie, friends that you want good things to happen to them, and even if bad things happen, you will be there for them because you know they will be there for you if something happen to you as well. friends who think of you when they're happie, friends who want to see you or talk to you when they are sad. friends who like you and accept you for who you are, and that your existing actually meant something to them in their lives. im really grateful, that God has placed many of these kind of friends in my life, true friends, and none of them should be taken granted for, because they dont have to be there, but they choose to be.

and i know, this is a very great blessing, it is not something that must happen, that is why all the more to appreciate friends like these.

im glad in every stages of my life, God has placed these amazing people to cross my path, or to even walk with me along on this path. i couldnt be more thankful for these people, those that have helped mold me in so many ways, it always seems like im the kind one helping others, seeems like it, but in truth each one of them have helped me in ways they never even realized. their importance in my life, my life wouldnt have been the same without any of them, not a single person can be missed out.

25 years, to flash back memories and time being surrounded with these great people constantly by my side, i have nothing more to ask for. i should feel blessed, should be grateful, and there shouldnt be one day to be sad. it will be selfish and ungrateful of me to be sad or depressed. no, i dont deserve to be. ive got every single thing, thte basics and even more. i should be grateful. ive just got to keep reminding myself to feel grateful every single day. 

do u believe?

do u believe that there's song that can make everything alright?


i found one today.

draw ink

it was 3 quick ugly portrait sketch and then this. this is fun. :) 

ps: i love you

its another movie day! today, it so happened to be ps i love you that got playing the harddrive. This is such a bittersweet movie. Really really sweet, but really really sad at the same time. But its movie like this that always makes me think. and i like movies that make me think. 

some people who never spend time watching movie like this, they're missing out a big time. chick flick and a genuine love story is different. i always like movies from books, because its always those that have the best quotes, those that have the best stories to tell. and this,is one of the best.

usually, i don't like movie with sad ending. and this book, someone dies right from the beginning. thats just sad. but i guess thats the part of it that make it a beautiful story. it shows how beautiful love can be, that despite how much pain it brings when you lost it, it is still worth having it in the first place. 

this sort of remind me of a friend who likes to ask really difficult questions, such as "would you rather lose both hands or both legs?" or " would you prefer to be deaf and to never hear music again, or mute, to never be heard again?" difficult questions like that. and this movie, gave me another difficult question. 

" would i rather have someone to love me and know me like how Jerry know Holly, and then love him so much that the pain of losing him is just so difficult to bear? or would i rather not love at all?"

how do you choose to love a person? maybe you don't even get to choose to love a person, maybe it just happen. whether you want it or not. 

oh, and that part about creating things, where Holly said, her business is to create something, anything, anything that will bring that part of you to show it to the world, that part of you that makes you different from the ordinary people from the world. i think that part is just beautiful. i think that's really something that makes someone so special, that you cant find it on anyone else. 

you know, i've always imagined what would my funeral be like. what would my friends say about me, what kind of a person would my family described me to be... and always from now and then, i will try my very best to be kind, to be helpful, to be special, because i want to be special. i want people to remember me as someone special in their life, someone who did something, someone who changed something. someone who sees something when others didnt, someone who did something when others walked away, someone who loves God, someone who cares, someone who is special. 

i just wish i would remember that everyday, especially on days in the black hole. i hate that black hole. everyone would be so much happier if there isnt such thing as a black hole. but just like Holly, she doesn't always remember what she wants or need in life either. Maybe thats why we need people who loves us to remind us, people who know us to tell us, what makes our eye sparkles, what make us, us. 

i like this movie. its my 3rd time watching it, after reading the book. and it still makes me think and it still makes me cry. i like how movie do this to people. i like how authors do, how they create something so beautiful that make people cry, or think, or learn how to love. i want to do things like that too. i don't want to work for the sake of working, or do things for the sake of doing. i want to create things that would make people love, make people smile, make people cry, make people feel. i want to create things that will make an impact, or make a little change, i want to help, i want to help people learn, help people love. and maybe through helping, i would myself learn how to love. 

ps: i think this soundtrack is gonna go on playing for a while <3 div="">

going offline

it wasnt easy, bt its actually working.

social media and networking have been consuming much of the time quietly. i recently realized days can pass by easily with phone and internet. and it has been helping me in procrastinating my applications and portfolios. 

few days ago, d thought just suddenly came. to deactivate and delete everything from my phone. the second i deleted it, i found myself having nothing to do. no more fb to scroll, no more instagram to like, no more whatsapp msgs to reply, ive got nothing. whats left in d phone is only bible and a few productive apps. i found myself having no more distractions.

the process of choosing what to delete itself wasnt easy. to think of who r people i needed to inform regarding work required some effort. but it was all worth it. 

the last few days have been, more productive and fruitful. ive read more, ive think more, ive written more and im progressing somewhere, at least having a little hint on what i want/ can have for my future. 

thats when i realized, how much time have been wasted in social media. it wasnt all bad in it, but too large amount of time have been spent on it. it has become a habit to be constantly unlocking my phone just to check if theres a new notification, or a new incoming msg. bad bad.

the night after deleting it, i lie on bed and has no reason to hold onto to my phone before i sleep. no longer anything to scroll, my hand is finally willing to reach for solid books. 

the first thought was this is only for a week, a week free from everything else to really focus on prayer and God's word to find out which way to take for my future. but then again, im beginning to like the feeling of not being attached to the world, the feeling of not being attached to my phone. 

it is working. 

definitely, maybe

today, i watched the movie again when it showed on Diva. its like my 5th time watching it? its still as good as the first. how they depict complicated stuff in a two hours movie in the simplest form, through telling a story to a kid.

how easy would life be, if we were all able to do that, having a narrator telling us what to do with our life? just that in that movie, the narrator was the main actor himself. it always seems much clearly when you tell someone the story of your life, and as you summarize it up into words, things begin to make sense. maybe that's why i'm always telling my friends stories. things just doesn't quite make sense in my brain. if i ever have the chance to step foot into my brain, i would imagine it being a big colourful messy space with things flying around, and dusts on many quotes. hah. that would be a nice picture to doodle about. my brain. (keep that in note)

how nice, if i can just watch my life being played like a movie, clearly narrated, maybe i'll know what to do then. but then again, there would be too many embarrassing moments and scenes that i wouldnt dare watching it again. horrible. possibly rated thriller.

a kid. if all adults can be as genuine as a kid, to think innocently as a kid... if i can be a kid again, wouldnt life be more colourful then?

definitely, maybe.

“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.”

 ― Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

tired

i need a break.
i miss God. i miss peace.

work is piling up, pressure of the future is closing in, expectations of everyone around is suffocating me. or maybe, its just my own expectation that is suffocating myself.

i never knew how i survived times like these, other than through God's strength.
the amount of work, with the amount of strength i have left, it always seems impossible.
Yet, time after time, God pull me through, and i survived, day by day, each and every time.

why push so far? why try so hard? why be the best? why go through these?
why set so high? why aim so much? why can't let go? and just let it be?
why get things done? why not leave them as it is? why not disappoint others? why not go easy?

why give my all?

what do i want? what do i need? what can i do? why can't i sleep?

letting words out

to the one who loves the outdoor, to the one who needs no car,
to the one who sing with the birds and fall asleep below the stars,
you'll tell me you love nature, sunset and sunrise just as much
no fear of the wild jungle, no mud you would not touch.

seeking no proof of truth, your eyes being your only clue,
no google needed to find, intuitions are your rules,
windows can be the pallet, feathers being the tool,
with trees and leaves falling, no problems for you too cruel.

staying away from the people but still you can feel,
pulling away from the world but clear you can see still,
no news announcements of things done, yet willing are you to do,
no judgement forcing trends, just plainly genuinely wants to.

curly fringe, knee length shorts, wind that blows right through,
by the waterfall, water splashed, rock and pebbles flew,
the call of a name, singing aloud, echoing round and round
barefoot on earth, warm feet cold town, with our hearts tied to the ground.

if i'm far from my dreams, here in my life, how should i expect to see,
if i'm at a place where i don't belong, how near could you have been,
unless i go all out, go far out, go chase the free flow cloud,
jump right into my dreams, just be brave, just be loud.

Im grateful to be Your children.

It sucks to be away from home when something is happening back home.
It sucks to not be able to be there for them and stuck here worrying helplessly.
But it is because of God that I have a God to pray to when things like these happen. a God I can turn to, a God I can ask for healing upon the ones I love. A God that will hear my prayer.

For this I give thanks that I am His children. That my prayer will be heard, that everything is in His hands and everything, everything, will be alright.